What Forgiveness Is Not and Why

When I began studying forgiveness scientifically in 1985, I realized that the topic had been neglected in psychological research for close to a century. Yes, there were a few journal articles on apology, but no published empirically based studies on people forgiving those who were unjust to them. As I started giving talks on forgiveness, I noticed two trends: (a) as in the psychological sciences, people in the general public rarely had conversations about forgiveness—what it is, how one goes about forgiving, and what occurs upon forgiving, and (b) when people adamantly opposed the idea of forgiving, they were misunderstanding what it actually is.

To help correct that latter point—misunderstanding what forgiveness actually is—the point of this post is to describe nine not-uncommon views of forgiving that are completely incorrect. The hope is that those who react in anger at the word “forgiveness” will first have an opportunity to see what forgiveness is not, so they can make a wise decision about whether to try it.

When people forgive, they are engaging in a moral virtue of willingly offering mercy to those who were unjust to the forgiver (Song et al., 2025). All moral virtues center on goodness. Being fair, for example, is demonstrating the moral virtue of justice in which a person willingly engages in an equal exchange, such as paying a carpenter for a newly constructed table. The goodness of forgiveness centers on having mercy on others because those others are persons, and all persons have worth, not because of what they have done but because of who they are: unique and irreplaceable humans.

Consider the nine misconceptions of forgiveness below.

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Forgiveness as Moving on

A common expression for some people is that when they forgive, they are “just moving on” from the situation. Yet, can’t one “move on” with indifference or annoyance toward the offending person? Where, then, is the mercy, the acknowledgment of the inherent worth of the other?

Forgiveness as Excusing

When people “just let it go,” they are saying that what happened was not unjust. Because there was no unfairness, the “forgiver” can just drop the whole issue and not seek justice or offer mercy. After all, if there was no transgression, there is no need to forgive.

Forgiveness as Forgetting

The expression “forgive and forget” gets forgiveness into trouble all the time. I have been confronted with people saying angrily to me, “If I forgive, then might I fail to recall what happened, and so I am vulnerable to the other’s nonsense over and over again?” When we forgive, it usually is out of emotional pain, and we rarely develop a sort of amnesia when it comes to pain. Instead, we remember in new ways, such that when we recall the unjust incident, it passes harmlessly through our heart. We do not forget, but remember in new ways.

Forgiveness as Calming Down

When people see forgiveness only as protecting their own emotions, they can mistakenly equate it with calming down angry emotions. Yet, as you probably can see, this focuses exclusively on the self, not on the one who acted unfairly. If forgiveness is a moral virtue of mercy toward others, then this exclusive focus on one’s own emotions distorts what it is. Yes, people may calm down as they forgive, but that is a consequence of forgiveness, not its essence.

Forgiveness as Reconciliation

This one gets me in trouble all the time. People who equate forgiving and reconciling can say to me, “How dare you discuss forgiveness with me relative to my ex-partner? Given the abuse I suffered, this could kill me.” Yet, reconciliation is not a moral virtue; it is a negotiation strategy in which two or more people come together in mutual trust. A person can forgive from a distance and not reconcile if the other person cannot be trusted.

Forgiveness as an Abandonment of Justice

Another misunderstanding of forgiveness that strikes fear in the heart is the error that as you forgive, you cannot seek justice. This is “either-or” thinking in which the person falsely believes that only one moral virtue can be offered at any one time. Yet, you can offer moral virtues together. You can be patient and merciful, and ask for fairness from those who are behaving wrongly. Forgive and seek justice.

Forgiveness as Only Saying, “I Forgive You”

While words matter, forgiveness challenges us to plant this moral virtue in the heart, with merciful thoughts and feelings toward the other person. Just saying, “I forgive you,” is too superficial if the person now thinks that forgiveness is all wrapped up in saying this. Words, softened feelings, and thoughts on the inherent worth of the other are all combined in this moral virtue.

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Forgiveness as a Depletion of One’s Emotional Energy

“Come on! I have enough stress in my life, and now you are suggesting that I tackle the new and challenging work of forgiveness? Forget it.” Such thinking can occur when people fail to realize the paradox of forgiving: As people forgive, they tend to refresh as anger lessens, a softened heart emerges, and they can experience considerable emotional healing. See Yu et al. (2021) as just one example of this. People who see forgiveness as energy depletion usually have not tried forgiveness in a scientifically valid way.

Forgiveness of Situations

You cannot forgive situations because you cannot have mercy on them. For example, if a tornado damages your roof, you cannot forgive the tornado because you cannot reach out in mercy and see the inherent worth of this weather event. You cannot have mercy on a flat tire or on the peeling paint on your wall. Forgiveness is for people who have behaved unjustly. When some people think they can or should forgive situations, forgiveness can begin to look trivial to them.

In Conclusion

If you are feeling ambivalent about forgiveness, try first to ascertain if you have been making an error in defining what it is. If not, then perhaps you are not yet ready to do the challenging work of forgiving. You should not feel forced into forgiveness, but instead drawn toward it because you see its value. Forgiveness is your choice when you are ready, and with the proper understanding of what it is and is not.