Forgiveness
How to Stop Blaming Yourself When Your Partner Is Abusive
It is very common to include yourself in the blame game, but is it true?
Posted May 6, 2026 Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Key points
- When people deeply hurt us, there is a tendency for the hurts to linger inside even if we are unaware of this.
- The pain from those hurts slowly and eventually can settle into a false and not-so-subtle self-condemnation.
- It is time to see that self-condemnation, take control of it, and conquer it.
I have been studying forgiveness for over 40 years. During that time, I have conducted many studies of people traumatized by others' unjust actions. Such injustice against a person can lead to anger, then to a more abiding sense of deep anger that we call resentment, and eventually to anxiety and even depression. For example, Reed and Enright (2006) found that emotionally abused women in marriage ended up with depression and did not like themselves.
One often-unseen consequence of being treated badly, over and over, is starting to subtly blame oneself, making statements to oneself such as: "If only I had done___." Or, "It takes two to have conflicts." One of the more destructive self-statements is this: "I am not a very good person. Otherwise, my partner would not have treated me this way."
Such persistent self-talk can lead to low self-esteem or a dislike of oneself. The sad part is that the victim of the other's injustice is now victimized again, this time by one's own negative, unproductive inner talk that is harmful to well-being. Let us examine each of the three statements above as a challenge to you if you are self-condemning because of a partner's injustices against you.
1. “If only I had done___."
When people use this statement, they are basically implying that their behavior is responsible for the partner's behavior. If you think about it, this is a strictly behavioral approach. By this, I mean that you are presuming that your behavior automatically causes the partner's unjust reactions. Even if you were not meeting the partner's needs, or even if you were having a bad day and were feeling annoyed, this is not an open door for the partner to act unjustly toward you. If you are engaging in the thinking of, "If only I had done___," it is time to move away from the behavioral theory of human interaction and switch to a more free-will theory of interaction. A free-will approach assumes that partners have many choices when the other behaves in ways the partner dislikes. For example, the partner could gently point out that the other's behavior is puzzling, frustrating, or annoying. This could be followed by an invitation to explore this frustrating or annoying behavior. It is not a free ticket to be thunderous or inappropriate, especially when it hurts the one who is having a bad day. The one having a bad day does not deserve the unjust treatment.
2. "It takes two to have conflicts.”
No, it does not. Some people enter a relationship with emotional wounds from times past, which can then be displaced onto the partner. You need to see this if you rightfully conclude that the partner is acting harshly without you doing anything at all. I have seen this. A person who speaks with me is astonished by a partner’s completely unprovoked outbursts. If this happens to you, explore the partner’s past, not to affix blame and condemnation, but to better understand the person’s history. As the saying goes, hurting people hurt other people. You might be a victim of the other’s past. If this is the case, it is important to see it for your own sake and, possibly, to help your partner courageously see it and forgive those from the past who caused wounds that are still fresh and active. It is good, in the right circumstances, to change your thought from “It takes two to have a conflict” to “Sometimes people displace their wounds, received long ago, onto others now, and this is not fair.”
3. "I am not a very good person. Otherwise, my partner would not have treated me this way.”
This thought often underlies the slow transformation from liking oneself to possessing low self-esteem that can linger. You can examine this to see if you are talking to yourself this way. If so, the partner is victimizing you twice—first by unjust behavior and second by creating a climate in which you, even unconsciously, foster a subtle dislike for yourself. It is very important for you to see this and to counter each of these inner thoughts with these: “No, the partner’s behavior does not lead to a negative conclusion of who I am.” “I am not responsible for my partner’s choice to behave badly, and so I resist self-condemnation.”
A key to countering low self-esteem includes forgiving your partner, and in doing so, seeing this person’s built-in or inherent worth, not because of the injustices but despite them. As you cultivate this sense of your partner’s inherent worth, apply this same conclusion to yourself: “I am a person of worth, no matter how much suffering I have endured. I have value regardless of how others treat me.” Don’t give up on these thoughts, which might be new to you.
Some Cautions
Be careful not to use some of these exercises as excuses. Sometimes it really is the two people who have behaved unjustly toward each other. If this is the case for you, then you can engage in forgiveness toward the partner and toward yourself for behaving unjustly. The self-forgiveness includes the idea, which eventually becomes internalized, that you have inherent worth even when you break your own standards and let yourself down.
Second, don’t think of forgiving and justice-seeking as diametrically opposed. If you decide to forgive your partner, then, with your anger reduced, ask for fairness. This could take time because, as discussed above, if you are a victim of displaced anger from the partner’s past, it will take time for the partner to forgive those who planted the resentment in the heart.
Conclusion
In the end, the ultimate conclusion is this: You do not deserve to be treated unfairly. Such treatment is not a testimony regarding who you are as a person. Resist what is all too common: the conclusion that you are not a good person. Yes, you are. You are unique in the world. There never was a person like you ever in this world, and there never will be again. Acknowledge that you are special, unique, and irreplaceable as a counter to the nastiness of the world that seeks to falsely blame you for that which is not your fault.
References
Reed, G. & Enright, R.D. (2006). The effects of forgiveness therapy on depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress for women after spousal emotional abuse. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74, 920-929.
