4 Things You Can Do to Feel More Appreciated at Work

No one likes to be taken for granted. Indeed, feeling unappreciated by their boss is a reason many people cite for quitting their jobs. But things have to get really bad before that happens. More frequently, routine lack of appreciation gnaws away at employee motivation, subtly undermining wellbeing, teamwork and productivity.

Why Is Appreciation Such a Scarce Resource?

Appreciation scarcity has both a supply side and a demand side. Bosses are often bad at giving feedback, especially positive feedback. And employees are not much better at soliciting or interpreting it. In both cases, this often stems from a preoccupation with the feedback’s valency as opposed to its content. Instead of focusing on performance and how it might be improved, the giver and receiver are transfixed by whether the feedback is celebratory or critical. Rather than asking together, “How might we do better?”, each is asking instead some variant of the two questions the writer Elizabeth Gilbert blamed for most “war, grief, and suffering” in the world, namely, “How much do you love me?” and “Who’s in charge?”

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Seeking appreciation at work is thus something of a fool’s errand. For one, you're courting disappointment. Your boss’s focus is elsewhere — on putting out the next fire, meeting the next deadline, surviving executive politics, and managing your higher-maintenance colleagues. You doing something right is more likely to elicit a momentary sigh of relief than a thoughtful “thank you.”

Second, even if your boss does deign to give you feedback, she'll probably botch the implementation. She'll say something generic like, “Nice job!" that neither clarifies what you did right nor sets you up for future improvement. Or she'll bury the lede, submerging her appreciation in a sea of other business, from next steps on other projects to frustrations with bottlenecks elsewhere.

Third, by seeking appreciation, you risk depleting your own resources and distracting yourself from what matters most. An unquenched thirst for gratitude draws focus and energy away from your professional priorities and the concrete conditions you need to achieve them. Instead of using time and capital with your boss to secure the resources and opportunities you need to excel, you end up wasting them on a sisyphean quest for recognition. Put bluntly, looking for appreciation in the wrong places makes you more dependent and unhappier.

What, then, can you do to head off resentment at being taken for granted? The secret lies in letting go of the things you can’t control and focusing on those you can.

What Can You Do to Feel More Appreciated?

First, appreciate yourself: Celebrate wins, take breaks, and maintain boundaries. One of the first things I ask clients complaining of burnout is: “Have you used all your vacation days? And if not, why not?” Similarly, why wait for your boss to celebrate your wins? Take control and be your own cheerleader. I’m not suggesting you make yourself the honoree of a ticker tape parade by the water cooler, just that you find ways to pause, pat yourself on the back, and treat yourself when you’ve done good work.

Second, appreciate others. Appreciation can’t survive in a vacuum. It lives between people and requires cultivation. So, do your bit for the environment and spread appreciation by personal example. Give props to colleagues who deliver and thank coworkers who move the team forward. Genuine positivity is infectious.

Third, acknowledge your frustrations and don’t let them fester. Vent if necessary, but try to avoid doing so at work. Complaining to coworkers makes you look needy and further pollutes the office atmosphere. Better to vent to friends and family. If, like me, you’re blessed with good ones, you’ll find them uncannily adept at knowing when to let you whine and curse and, once you’ve let off some steam, how to help you keep calm and carry on.

Fourth, get practical. Instead of focusing on the lack of warm fuzzies coming your way, direct your and your boss’s attention to what you actually need to achieve satisfaction from a job well done. I’m talking about real basics here: Pay, hours, technical support, and so on. Figure out what you need to succeed and go negotiate for it. Time after time, when coaching executives, I’m struck by the dramatic improvements this power move initiates.

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So, stop waiting for that trophy. Appreciate your own efforts, amplify the contributions of others, manage your frustrations, and negotiate for what you need to succeed. Feeling valued at work begins not with your boss’s words but with your own actions.