Therapy
5 Things to Look for When Choosing a Couples Therapist
Not all therapists are trained to do couples work—and it shows.
Posted May 5, 2025 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Key points
- Couples therapy isn’t individual therapy for two; it requires specialized skills and training.
- A good therapist can talk about sex without shame or discomfort.
- Therapists don’t give answers; they guide you to clarity, understanding, and empowered choices.
- Effective couples therapy honors each person’s identity, culture, and the complexity of the relationship.
Finding a good therapist is hard. Finding the right couples therapist? That’s trickier.
You start wondering… What degree should they have? What experience really matters? And what the heck is “Emotionally focused therapy” anyway?
With so many directories and buzzwords floating around, it can feel like anyone with a clipboard and a couch is qualified to help. But when it comes to your relationship, partnership, and life, it’s worth digging a little deeper.
Here are five essential things to look for when searching for a couples therapist who can actually help:
1. Specialized Training in Couples Therapy
Couples work isn’t just individual therapy with two people in the room. A good couples therapist is trained to hold space for two people at once, navigate conflict neutrally, and manage the emotional heat that often comes with intimate relationships.
“One of the most important skills as a couples therapisr is to remain grounded and not get entangled in the conflict that clients are experiencing," reports AASECT-certified sex therapist Paola Rodriguez, LMHC. This kind of grounded presence comes not just from intuition but from intentional training and experience.
Don’t be afraid to ask about your therapist’s training. What models do they use? (Think: EFT, Gottman, Relational Life Therapy, CBT.) What experience do they have with the issues you’re bringing in? How can they help you? A skilled couples therapist will be happy to share their approach.
2. They’re Comfortable Talking About Sex (Really)
Money, parenting, and sex are the big three topics in most couples therapy sessions. But here’s the surprising part: A lot of therapists aren’t actually trained to talk about sex. In fact, some avoid it altogether.
Being a couples therapist who doesn’t talk about sex is like going to a Beyoncé concert and skipping “Partition.” You might still get the choreography, but you’re missing the heat, the soul, and the truth.
The truth is, you don’t need an AASECT-certified sex therapist (though it doesn’t hurt. I’m one, and the standards are rigorous for a reason). What you do need is a therapist who isn’t squeamish, won’t shame you, and has tools to help you work through sexual concerns. You deserve a space where sex can be talked about openly, honestly, and usefully.
3. They Don’t Tell You What to Do
When you’re stuck, really stuck, it can feel incredibly tempting to have someone just tell you what to do. Should we stay together? Break up? Try harder? Let go? The need for answers is real and feels urgent, especially when you’re overwhelmed and exhausted.
But this is not Apple TV’s Shrinking and nobody needs to get Jimmy’d. That's not the job of a couples therapist.
A good therapist won’t make those decisions for you. They won’t tell you whether to leave your partner, have another child, or stick it out longer. Instead, they’ll help you explore what’s happening, understand each other more clearly, and figure out what you each need to move forward—whatever direction that may be.
The truth is, your therapist doesn’t have to live with the consequences of those choices. You do. And the best therapists respect that by helping you make those choices with clarity, not by making them for you.
4. You Both Feel Seen with Compassion and Cultural Awareness
For couples therapy to be effective, both partners need to feel seen and not just as individuals in a relationship but as whole people with lived experiences that shape how they show up in that relationship. That takes more than good listening skills. It takes compassion, curiosity, and cultural humility.
For Black couples, that might mean working with a therapist who understands how systemic oppression, racialized trauma, and code-switching can shape communication, stress responses, and even intimacy. Without that lens, both partners may feel unseen or misinterpreted.
For gay couples, it might mean working with a therapist who is comfortable exploring gender norms, gay identity development, and the dynamics of desire, rejection, and connection in queer spaces. A therapist who doesn’t “go there” can leave partners feeling self-conscious or as though they’re being asked to translate their experience instead of simply having it.
No matter your background, a good couples therapist creates an environment in which each partner feels understood emotionally, relationally, and culturally. That sense of being seen, in your full complexity, is what helps healing and change take root.
5. They Instill Hope (Even If It’s Not About the Relationship)
Let’s be honest, couples therapy isn’t always about saving the relationship. Sometimes, it’s about finding clarity, improving communication, or ending things in a healthy way. A good therapist won’t give you false hope or sell you a fantasy. But they will help you feel more grounded and capable, like you can face whatever comes next with more understanding, more self-awareness, and more tools.
Even in the toughest moments, a good therapist holds the belief that you’ll be okay, and helps you see that, too.
As couples therapist Mollie Aklepi, LCSW, puts it, “clients enter each therapy session with a little bit of hope—even if they don’t show it. Just their attendance in session shows that they have some hope for the future. Our job as couples therapists is to access, bring attention to, and harness the hope that they have within.”
Couples often come to me after a bad therapy experience; they may have been shamed, left to argue in circles without direction, or felt like they were intruding on their partner’s individual session. Finding the right therapist may take trial and error, but with the five touchpoints, it doesn’t have to feel impossible.
When you find someone who is trained, compassionate, curious, and committed to helping both of you grow, you’ll feel it. And that’s when the real work (and healing) begins.
