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"You may have noticed that many books, blogs and inspirational speakers make large and silly promises." Yes I have, I read this website quite a lot. Your contribution is no different. "We can work on becoming our best and bravest selves...But it is arrogant and deeply dishonest to tell people that they can transform their own reality and find joy no matter how dreadful their circumstances." No they are the same thing. You are promising the very same thing you criticize. Being brave about our suffering is exactly what the gurus and stupid people are telling us is the way to happiness. What you suggest is just stoicism repackaged: accept the current situation, stop reflecting on your past, and stop dreaming and wishing for a better life. You also say there are many paths to becoming "whole and centered", which is entirely contradictory. And you don't see it. Amazing.
You may have noticed that many books, blogs and inspirational speakers make large and silly promises. Break free from fear and you’ll soar like an eagle, reverse the aging process and attract a bevy of sexy and appreciative lovers. As one self-help book puts it, “Bliss is available to anyone at anytime, no matter how difficult life may be.”
And that is the most hurtful myth of all—the idea that every one of us can create ourselves a great day no matter how painful our current circumstances. We need only to choose happiness, along with a brighter attitude and a new set of skills.
Of course, each of us can move in the direction of experiencing less fear and more calmness, love and peace. There are many paths we can take to become more whole and centered, to navigate our relationships with greater clarity and conviction, and to grab a little dignity and peace along the way. We can’t stop bad things from happening, but we can stop our relentless focus on how things were or how we want them to be, and develop a deeper appreciation for what we have now. We can work on becoming our best and bravest selves.
But it is arrogant and deeply dishonest to tell people that they can transform their own reality and find joy no matter how dreadful their circumstances. Such a falsehood only breeds silence and shame about our honest suffering.
Sooner or later the universe will send every one of us a crash course in vulnerability, meaning that you—or someone you love—will get a great big lesson in all the painful emotions that we try so hard to avoid. As I explain in The Dance of Fear, there are things we can each do to live our life to the best of our possibilities. But it is not useful to deny that fear and suffering define the human condition as much as happiness and joy.
Disbelieve any expert who tells you differently.
"Sooner or later the universe
"Sooner or later the universe will send every one of us a crash course in vulnerability, meaning that you—or someone you love—will get a great big lesson in all the painful emotions that we try so hard to avoid." Every one of us suffers in life painful emotions, the way you prepare yourself to face them is the difference in each experience. I don't agree about your concepts regarding happiness. People is learning how to face those sufferings with strength and resilience. Happiness is the word used to stand up, accept life as it is and enjoy the small enjoyable parts of it while knowing that bad portions might be on their way. Harriet Lerner, I live in Venezuela, I see real life everyday and how people have to define their happiness despite the bitterness of reality. And I totally agree with Dan, you promise what you criticize.
Seriously?
"And that is the most hurtful myth of all—the idea that every one of us can create ourselves a great day no matter how painful our current circumstances. We need only to choose happiness, along with a brighter attitude and a new set of skills."
This is what you are telling your patients? You are doomed? This is pathetic. I would rather believe in this that visit the like of a quack head doctor who would push his pills promising bliss. We all have choices in this life, and the big one is to choose how we view the world, the good, the bad and the ugly of it. What you are teaching is hopelessness!
weird reader comments
off mark and... aggressive, some people sensitive button, as usual, were triggered.
I think the author makes a good point. It would be interesting, however, to see if "self help" books from other countries promise "instant happiness" as much as we do in the US.
Also we are also the country that embraces the myth that we can be anything we want to be. Another aspect of our misplaced hero worship.
Big Lie vs Big Truth
It's a shame people read what they want to read instead of reading what is in this piece. Dr. Lerner's insights are refreshing. It's the "Power of Positive Thinking" meets the "Be all you can be" mantras yet warns there is no guarantee of success. The journey may be/ will be hard but it's worth taking instead of griping.
Totally missed the point!
If it's a choice between the power of positive thinking and the myth of happiness, then I'll take the former. The power of positive thinking and griping is an oxymoron! You may define success your way, and the rest of us will choose how to define success our way, but telling people that happiness is a myth is a myth in itself!
funny comments, holy misinterpretations
This article is suggesting that it is better to acknowledge our painful emotions and bad circumstances instead of pretending a happiness button will magically fix it. And it is true. No such button exists. Happiness can only be found when we choose to move beyond them the best we can by finding inner strength and wanting more for our future. That process includes accepting the past as it was and the present as it is. Over the top positive thinking causes people to invalidate, suppress and avoid their emotions. All of which lead to misery. You know why? Because it doesn't help and solves nothing. That, is what this article is saying and I personally, am glad it was written. It's nice to see some realism. It's a shame some people completely misinterpreted this piece.
I agree
The article was well written. There are steps we can all take to improve our lives. Our perceptions of our lives directly impacts our ability to be happy. However, it's more than just perception...there's reality....life's challenges has a way of really kicking you down and it's up to us to get up and do the best we can. There is no magic pill to make us happy...well...there are but they are temporary fixes such as cocaine....but then there's the coming down. It was nice to stumble upon this article. I have a lot of stress and anger that I must manage on a day to day basis. When I manage it, my quality of life improves and some days that's the best I can do. Happiness is something that I experience at times but it's also up to me to recognize it's happening. I become extremely angry with therapists who say things like "you just have to be positive". or anger doesn't help you. Sorry, but I have a right to feel negative and I have a right to feel anger. The challenge is making sure neither one takes over and that's the difficult part. There is nothing positive about being in debt because of divorce, not seeing your child and then paying your ex because the court mandates it. I'm in court every month. I will be in debt until I die...for what?....because I wanted to be a Dad.
The financial burden and emotional stress must be managed in order to function in society. Divorce is one of those things that is like a cancer if it goes badly....you may get a brief break emotionally due to coping but it never goes away. No one can ever convince me that it's ok I only get to see my child 4 days a month. I have anger and it's my right to feel those emotions. But I also make it a priority to cope and manage, the alternative is the anger takes over and that isn't helpful at all. Happiness isn't something everyone can get. It's a good goal to strive for though otherwise the other option is giving up....and I do that too. Sometimes I'm simply tired of coping and tired of managing and I give myself permission to feel depressed for awhile....then I get up, and try again. It's a cycle many people go through because of the stress they experience in their own lives. Nothing easy about it. In my own life, I have made it a priority not to drink alcohol. It has a negative impact on me and I know it, therefore, I made a commitment to myself not to indulge. We have power over some things...not all, but some. Those choices impact how we experience emotions. When we make good choices we feel good about ourselves. When we make bad choices, well, sometimes we blame others and that isn't justified but we think it anyway. For all of you out there fighting for stability, all I can say is it's important to find out what coping skills work for you. Me....I hate yoga....it's not going to help me. I dislike therapists....I am one....I don't need to hear more about my problems so talking about it isn't helpful either, but I have given it several tries to be fair. Distractions, thinking about something else, meditation, eating better and exercising has been helpful for me. A journal is good too because no one is going to validate your efforts....You need to tell yourself "hey, I did a good job here". It's important to notice. And when you make good choices, give yourself a reward for doing it; reinforce those positive feelings to keep working on it. Nothing easy here...I've been divorce for 6 years, I still don't get to see my child much, and I can get destructively angry if I allow myself to and there is no closure to my conflict...well...9 more years until my child is 18 so I do have a goal...sort of....anger management is my priority. Happiness is a bonus if I experience it but I'm accepting that it isn't going to be every day. I hope this helps some of you.
The Book of Joy.
I am currently reading the Book of Joy and the Dali Lama talks about human suffering is often necessary I order to discover true happiness. I think when people do experience hardship and overcome this hardship they have a much better outlook on true happiness. We will always have adversity but it doesn’t mean we have to live in misery
What happened to the cat
What happened to the cat picture??
Not just a choice
“Choosing” happiness is easy when life is smooth sailing. For many this is not the case for numerous reasons. It is disingenuous for happy people to tell unhappy people to simply choose to be happy. It doesn’t work that way. The environment contributing to the unhappiness must change. Here there may be some choices, but they may not be easy or even possible. Not everyone can be happy. But everyone can try. And no, just trying does not bring happiness.
Not just a choice?
With all due respect Mark, I will have to disagree. The environment contributing to unhappiness must change? Yours and my generation knows little about what generations before us had to endure. I must say, humans have lost a good deal of their coping skills in the last several decades of arm chair psychoanalysis by the so called experts. Since when was living in this earthly environment a bed or roses. Not since the beginning of time, so good luck changing anything. Maybe it's our expectations that are misguided. The only ones we can change are ourselves and how we view the world as a whole. When I look at what my own mother lived through, I'm disgustingly guilty for ever complaining which she did not. Telling someone that misery is absolutely not a choice and that we do nothing to contribute to some of our own misery is just as damaging and doesn't work to provide anyone with any hope, but it certainly does remove much of the personal responsibility for our wellbeing. The things worth having are never easy. I thought that was life's purpose and lesson to begin with. Sorry, but I will never listen to anyone that tries to tell me I don't have a choice and that's something I would never, and did not teach my own children. Horrendous things have happened to hordes of people and many have risen above it to find joy in this world. You think that was just an automatic thing? I will look to those people for inspiration. We have emotions built into each and every one of us, but parking yourself in perpetual negativity becomes a habitual thought process that then is not easy to get out of because it has become a second nature habit to think and believe that way. I have a choice not to be there and as long as I believe that, no one can take that away from me. Instead of telling someone to just choose to be happy which is what you seem to take from this article, maybe telling them to adjust their view of themselves and world around them will be beneficial to their own happiness. After all, that is a definite choice, how we view ourselves and the world we live in. I choose to not make the world a totally dark place in my view of things. You choose how you want to view yourself and your world.
Mark's right, it isn't just a choice
"When I look at what my own mother lived through, I'm disgustingly guilty for ever complaining which she did not."
If you want to invalidate your own emotions and tell yourself that your problems aren't worth complaining about because someone else had worse troubles and survived, that sure is your choice. However in my opinion, you are placing guilt on yourself for no good reason. Some of us know the health benefits of acknowledging our emotions, complaining and/or talking about them when needed to release them so that they do not bog us down. There will always be someone in worse circumstances than you or who has had a worse life than you. That doesn't make your feelings any less valid or any less worthy of release. A path to authentic happiness becomes clearer when you get the bad out of your system, and comparing yourself to others is unhealthy and hinders that process. Sure, be inspired by the battles others have won, but don't disregard your own in the process.
"Telling someone that misery is absolutely not a choice and that we do nothing to contribute to some of our own misery is just as damaging and doesn't work to provide anyone with any hope, but it certainly does remove much of the personal responsibility for our wellbeing."
Sometimes, yes, we make bad choices that contribute to our misery, such as engaging with toxic people, and the choice to remove them from our lives does indeed help us feel happier. But some situations are beyond our control, and all we can do is make the best of those situations. This is completely different because in doing so, you don't pretend that you don't feel miserable when you do deep down. You allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and pick yourself up when you find the strength. For you, it sounds like shaping your world view in an illusion filled bubble is your way of coping. That's fine, but there are some of us out here who have a realistic world view and aren't afraid to see the world for the dark place that it actually is, and we find ways to cope within that view. We all cope in different ways, what's important is to balance our emotions and to always make sure we take in the bits of light that make their way through. I think all that matters is that we all strive for happiness as the goal and to try hard for it. Saying that finding it is not a guarantee is valid because it's correct, like it or not. It's the truth. Trying is all we can encourage and expect from anyone, expecting anything more is unfair, selfish and cruel. And no, it isn't as easy as a simple choice for those who don't wish to live their life with falsified perceptions of the world around them.
There world around me
Falsified perceptions? That is an oxymoron. Perception is neither fact nor fiction, it's perception. We all choose how we perceive the world and that tends to drive our actions in this world. So what you are saying is, because the world is such a dark place, anyone choosing to focus on the joy of life is living in an illusion filled bubble. O.k. whatever! I can't control the hate in this world because I cannot control the hateful perceptions of others. If I choose to focus constantly on what I cannot control, I would beat my head against a brick wall until I went nuts. Don't assume you know anything about me or what I have or haven't suffered in my life or had to overcome. The parts of my life I did have to overcome, in the end, I had to do it myself. You talk about toxic people ......... yes, people parked in constant negativity are toxic and I could have allowed myself to live there in that state trying to control what I was never going to be able to. I never said that misery does not exist or that we bring all misery onto ourselves. After living the kind of childhood I lived, I can attest to the fact that there is misery so you assuming anything about my life or how I have chosen to cope with it amuses me. What is cruel is telling someone that happiness cannot be attained no matter what has happened to them, now that is cruel and is just false. Again, we choose to perceive what we want to ....... to justify the reasons for feeling the way we do. You can put two people in the same room, have them read a written quote or look at a picture and those same two people can have completely different perceptions of what they read or saw. Again, I will focus on the good I can find in this world, no matter how stupid you think that is, and be grateful for my life.
perceptions
"So what you are saying is, because the world is such a dark place, anyone choosing to focus on the joy of life is living in an illusion filled bubble. O.k. whatever!"
Actually what I was trying to say is that it's important to acknowledge both! The joy as well as the dark, not to exclusively focus on one. I don't think it's healthy to deny that darkness exists or to avoid negative emotions. The way you were conveying your points sounded to me, like you were choosing to only do that.
"If I choose to focus constantly on what I cannot control, I would beat my head against a brick wall until I went nuts."
Or, if you devote some time to it, you may be able to contribute to change in more ways than you previously thought. You think you can't change hateful perceptions of others but how do you know unless you actually try? Even if you can help one person see differently, that's a start and still counts for something. Of course too much focus on one thing is a problem and that applies to things both good and bad, it's all about balance. I wasn't trying to imply that it's stupid to focus on the good in your life, of course you should acknowledge it, gratitude is important. But so is the bad. It is giving one side exclusive focus that I am arguing against.
"I never said that misery does not exist or that we bring all misery onto ourselves."
Ok, but when you were saying that it is absolutely a choice to not be miserable, that is what it sounded like. It sounded like you were saying it is a person's choice to live in misery and putting the blame on them for it, when that's simply not true or fair. You say it is cruel to tell people that they will never find happiness, and I agree with you. But what I am saying is that it's equally cruel to tell someone that they most definitely will. You are confusing the idea that happiness isn't guaranteed with the idea that it's unachievable. Nobody has said that here, not me, other commenters, or the article itself. The point being made is that unfortunately sometimes, people may never find it. That is a completely different sentiment than saying it's not attainable. You can go out and buy a lottery ticket, if you win, that's great, if you don't, you tried. That's a very simplistic example but it illustrates the point that trying is all there is and there is no way to 100% guarantee that success will happen. There is a difference between can and will, and I don't see anything wrong with being honest about that. Yes people "can" find happiness, yes we should encourage them to try for it the best we can. But not at the cost of them denying their suffering because negative emotions need release, and we free them by acknowledging them, not suppressing them and acting like a magic happiness switch exists.
Perceptions
How's this .......... have your way! This argument has become tedious. I'm done here! This is going around in circles. I won't change your mind and you won't change mine.
Yes, you can choose happiness
But Harriet is mis-interpreting that concept.
It’s not about ignoring or pushing away what you are experiencing. Water is wet, and you’re sad. When you are sad, BE sad! Be there fully!
The issue is this: above and beyond a certain level of income/sustenance (and excepting organic brain disorders), it is demonstrated that a person’s happiness is mostly about choice - about how we choose to think, about how we choose to approach life.
You cannot choose your circumstances in this moment. A confluence of external influences plus your previous choices have put you where you are right now.
What you CAN choose in any moment is how you will react to this circumstance.
Btw, if we are unable to choose these things, then you’ve just excused all criminal activity as well as all instances where people say hurtful things.... such as botched apologies. After all, we are completely at the effect of our circumstance right??
If we have the power to choose not to commit a crime, then we have the power to choose to create our happiness.
The heart and soul reunion after divorce
Dear Dr. Wakina, you are the heart and soul of our reunion after divorce, you made our marriage brighter and sweeter like others you have helped via dr.wakinalovetemple@ gmail. com after a triumphant love spell. What an incredible supernatural father you are for seeing and healing my wounded heart as promised.
Thanks for bringing back my husband after 14months, words can’t express how gratitude we feel about the tremendous opportunity given to us.
