Ten Surprising Ways to Connect With a Distant Partner

Hello Harriet
I so enjoy all of your posts. Thank you.
To show my gratitude, I would like to teach you basic arithmetic skills, beginning with counting from 1 to 10.
Another part of me though, feels that you deliberately only gave 9 steps and that you actually sought to elicit idiotic responses from goofballs like me who have little better to do than to nit-pick. Ad I'm sure my response will form part of a research study you are doing around trolls, idiots and OCD sufferers.
Regards Mike

Thank you for your post. I'm married to a distant partner! I don't feel that he has always been distant- he was very attentive and emotionally intense himself when we first fell in love. However, he has gradually cooled over the years (nearly 20) now, and I cannot help but feel that the lack of emotional intensity on his part these days is a reflection that his love for me has cooled too. He insists that he still loves me, and sometimes I retort that I know what it feels like to be loved by him and this is not it!

I have realised from personal experience that pursuing him does not work, but unfortunately I do not seem to be able to strike a balance between staying calm and not pursuing him, and actually loving him. I find that in trying to not pursue him, I end up feeling indifferent towards him. I do feel much calmer over all, and have enjoyed renewing old friendships and finding other things to do without him, but now I feel like I don't need him. I believe that the point of having a partner is to enjoy the warmth and affection that they offer. If he can't give me that I think the value of the relationship is diminished. I do not necessarily want a divorce, but I feel like my marriage is a farce, and our relationship a mere shell of what it used to be.

Harriet, I read a couple of your books years ago and found them very helpful. Thank you.

I believe that this article's advice works in 'tricking' your partner to 'pursue' you more but you have to force yourself in an unnatural way and force yourself not to be you. Once he pursues you a little bit, you are so happy you want to show it, which makes him distance again. Also, the distancer's pursue is never enough for the other person. My partner's pursue of me at the expense of me not ever showing much interest is making me right now feel closer to a male friend who is way more emotionally available than my partner. And I feel that if I cheated, my partner would have earned it.

"The perpetually distant partner needs to know that long term distance, within the context of marriage - is a real killer - if not mutually agreed upon."

Mary, I could not have said it better myself. I had to accept that my husband used up all his social skills in the dating phase and that side of him was never going to appear again. Over the years, I used all the tips in this article and they do work but the cost is high. Distance drains the life out of a marriage. I found a lot of happiness and satisfaction in discovering things by myself and with other people and letting my spouse be himself. I've made it work so far but the danger is that when you fall out of love and become indifferent, you are vulnerable to an affair. It's lonely to say the least.

This was so helpful . And I learned a lot . I feel like this information is really going to help me in my relationship.
Thank you. I appreciate it

Thank you so much for this article! I do ALL of those things out of anxiety and am trying to make reparations to a long and often rough marriage - gone distant. I am a pursuer by birth, but I want to be a better partner, and your advice really helped me put that into perspective.

I did something else -- I left my partner, acknowledging that the relationship was never emotionally close TO BEGIN WITH (as in, from the day we met). Our relationship seemed always to be about rational / intellectual things; there were always distractions for him -- pot, TV, cartoons, video games. I didn't see it at the time as that big of a deal... after a few years, I thought it was even normal. He would have temper outbursts and I thought this was normal 'for a guy' .. I shut up and appreciated that he paid most of the bills for us, and all in all did little things to show he cared. But there was always that weird kind of disconnection between us; he was always talking non-stop, and it's almost like he didn't want to listen to me at all, or care about me or even get to really know me. i thought things were fine because THIS was what i was used to -- following orders. but it got to the point, almost, of walking on eggshells. He had a way of being at home that made me uncomfortable and on-edge.

Well, im sorry to this article but I actually left him because i met someone else during our relationship, someone it took me a while to realize i had feelings for. and now i see how a genuine relationship should look. So I think that it's possible to work things out, but sometimes you just lose it for someone because of the distance and it's better to leave.

Thank you for your article, Harriet! You have reminded me of the importance to focus on the only thing I can control, which is my behaviour. My partner and I are in a distance relationship, which brings its own challenges around communication. He is a person who need a lot of space and always has - to a degree, I like space too. Instead of assuming he is pulling away b/c he no longer cares, or perhaps has become interested in someone else, I try to stay focused on what I need and figuring out how I can get it not just from this relationship, but from others as well. When I need closeness and intimacy, I don't go to my partner alone. I have close relationships with friends and family - I go to them. I also like my own company, and increasingly so as I get older. I will certainly come back to this article whenever I feel weak and the impulse to correct and say, "you seem to be pulling away." or "why are you so distant?"

Thank you for this article, it was helpful to hear I'm not alone and I could relate to a lot of the suggestions in your list. I was particularly supported by the comment section, though. It helps to hear that others can understand how painful having a distant partner can be, at times, and really helpful to hear how different people have coped and dealt with this issue.

Thank you so much for this article . I am in a relationship for the past 4 years . My partner is very distant and emotionally cold. His behaviour made me question my own self worth and if I am interesting or not .

If you feel like you might be crazy .i agree with you Harriet , trying to give advice or helpful makes the distance partner more distant.

When he becomes warm , then my heart assures me , there are no problems.

I have now decided to remain clinically cold myself .even a touch from him , I will no longer react . As I know if he does not consistently do it I will have my thoughts in overdrive and go crazy yet again.

So I am pulling away myself and it feels hurtful but I am showing so much respect for myself .

I tend no to care if there is someone else . I don't want the hurtful baggage . I want to build myself and having to focus on his coldness and what he is doing will destroy any good emotions I have regarding my next relationship .
I won't allow him to kill my passion.

Focus on yourself and building yourself up.

That's what I am doing . And eventually I will pull a Katie Holmes on him like she did to tom cruise . Left him a bombshell in which he had no preparation for .

Work on yourself ladies

I find all of this informative and well written, though it's very much placating the distancer,.. I am a persuer, i have recognised my self as that and am looking for ways to understand and improve on it. But maybe you could offer points in helping us help the distancer recognise their behaviour as well.
The jist of this article is 'nevermind him, it's just the way he is', you need to fix yourself. And i agree self healing comes first, but we could use a little support to cope with the distancer.. eg request that while they may shut down in an arguement/discussion - can they come back to us later when they're ready. What do we do if they dont?
You tell us to build ourselves up to the point where we don't need them.. But isn't that the point of having a relationship? We desire contact and intimacy from our partner? If i have such a fulfilling life without him, yet he's allowed to be unengaging and private,.. What's the point?

I think it's a bit weird that it's give "him" space... I'm reading this to deal with my distant girlfriend and I find the gender role assumption a bit sexist..

I found early in our relationship that the best way to deal with my husband distancing himself was to let him be and he will make an effort to connect with me when he needs less space. The problem is that over time this seems to just perpetuate a his ongoing drifting away to do his own thing more and more. Now it seems like we rarely talk or touch. When we go places he is immediately off talking to other people to fulfill his need for social connection I guess.

Sure, don't talk too fast or too loud or get too excited. Don't ask for more when you think you need it. Don't get angry or sad because you are lonely.

Once you have accomplished completely removing your own personality and needs from the relationship how genuine does that relationship feel?

My boyfriend of 2 years has been emotionally distant; wayyy too much. Recently, his mother has passed, so it probably made him even more distant and closed up. He tells me he as always been this closed up person with everyone, but I believe he withholds a lot of things from me that he would tell other people. When I need emotional support (losing a job, almost losing my dad), he's not there to help me. Instead of being a source of comfort, he feels the need to solve my problems. I can't talk to him about him; I have to talk to other people about it. It's been this thing where we only talk about what he wants to talk about; never about what I wanna talk about or WE wanna talk about. Now, it seems like I'm afraid of him, because God forbid I say the wrong thing he just snaps at me. He has never been emotionally available and I've never had any emotional stability. If I try pulling away, I wouldn't be myself. I shouldn't have to put a front in my own relationship.

What if both husband and wife are emotionally detached? What if you are in an emotional deadlock situation where neither feels safe making the first move? What if neither husband nor wife really does emotion?

MY NAME IS ROLAND KATE REGINA FROM DUBAI, MY MAN OF FOUR YEARS START CHEATING ON ME HE DON'T USE TO CALL ME, HE ALWAYS GOING OUT WITH OTHER GIRLS ANY TIME I CALLED HIM HE BOUNCE MY CALLS. I WAS SO WORRIED BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND WE ALREADY PLANS FOR MARRIAGE AND I TRIED ALL I CAN TO MAKE SURE THAT HE COME TO HIS NORMAL SENSES BUT NOTHING WORKED OUT. THINGS WHERE GETTING BAD, I WAITED FOR YEAR FOR HIM TO CHANGE AND PROPOSE MARRIAGE BUT HE DID NOT PROPOSE MARRIAGE TO ME, WHEN IT BECAME UNBEARABLE FOR ME I TOLD A FRIEND WHO TOLD ME TO CONTACT DR EMUA. THAT HE CAN HELP ME IN THIS SITUATION, AND I WAS A GIRL WHO DOSE NOT BELIEVE ON SPELL, SO THE LAST TIME I CALLED MY MAN HE PICKED MY CALL, ALL I COULD HEAR FROM HIM IS TO TELL ME THAT HE HAS GOT ANOTHER GIRL IN SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP I WAS SO CONFUSE AND I CALLED MY FRIEND (TRACY) AND TOLD HER WHAT I JUST HAD FROM MY MAN. SHE STILL REMIND ME OF DR EMUA, THAT HE IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN HELP ME SOLVED MY PROBLEM BY BRINGING MY MAN BACK TO ME. SO THERE WAS NO OPTION FOR ME I TOLD HER TO SEND ME HIS EMAIL. THAT WAS HOW I CONTACT DR EMUA FOR HELP. DR EMUA ONLY TOLD ME THAT MY MAN WILL COME BACK IN FEW DAYS TIME AFTER CASTING THE SPELL HE TOLD ME MY MAN IS COMING TO ME IN-LESS THAN FIVE DAYS TIME . AFTER TWO DAYS THE NEXT MORNING MAKING IT THIRD DAYS MY MAN TRULY CAME BACK TO ME AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS, AND I ACCEPT ALL HIS APOLOGIES BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AFTER FIVE WEEKS WE GOT MARRIED, WE ARE NOW LIVING TOGETHER . I THANK DR EMUA FOR ALL HE HAS DONE IN My LIFE GOD WILL CONTINUOUSLY GIVE HIM THE POWER TO KEEP HELPING PEOPLE. YOU CAN ALSO CONTACT HIM FOR HELP VIA HIS EMAILS DREMUAHELPHOME@OUTLOOK.COM OR DREMUAHELPHOME@GMAIL.COM OR CALL HIM +2347063628174, TRY HIM AND SEE WHAT AM SAYING

I have a question about item six here. I have come to believe that it is best to express how you're feeling. If you're feeling like you and your partner don't communicate enough, shouldn't you let them know that?

I understand what you're saying here. If you focus on something, it's kind of like you're automatically making it worse (not that that's the best wording). But if you just go on a date, aren't you just masking the problem?

Been married for 16 years, only 40 now. Two kids. Gradually my wife has recoiled from my affection and offers me none. No compliments or nice things to say. We still have sex but I feel it's like it's a compensator for the lack of affection she gives. Feel it's such a balancing act, push pull etc. She has told me it's not fair she treats me this way and wants to give me the basic things a loving relationship should. I'm a good person and great dad with no problems.
Does she have a psychological problem with emotion or being loved or something? So confused

Hello everyone.
If I'm writing on this there's no doubt about it I'm at a loss of what to do.

Me and my wife have been together for ten years. We have one daughter together and she has three kids of her own that we raise. Our life has had its fair share of ups and downs. We went through the cheating thing and we somehow made it out. Well at least I thought we made it out.
its been about two years since all of the infidelitie stuff took place and we had our fair share of bad and our fair share of good as well.

Well just recently my wife has taken the approach that I am just this horrible guy. I can't kiss her, she tells me sex is like a job to her. If I call her it upsets her. Hell if I speak to her I think I've made a bad decision. It's like everything I do is either wrong or just not wanted. Now just about two months ago she told me that she was glad that we worked things out but now it's like the bottom has fell out and I don't know what to do. When she first started acting like this I just knew that she had found someone else. So I began to investigate things. Well at this point I haven't found anything or at least not enough to say there is someone else. I will admit that I did go into full pursuit mode and I was very overwhelming at the time. I just couldn't help myself because I was feeling like here we go again. At this point all I can say is. If she is seeing or entertaining someone else she's not giving them much of her time and she's very good at going about to do it. She stays in her phone ALL the time and like I stated anything I do is a problem. Now on the flip side. We have four kids, she goes to school and works and takes care of home. So she has her plate pretty full and I have tried to step up to make things flow better for her around the house. It just feels like it's not working. I ask everyday are you okay or are we okay and is there anything I can do. But that's just makes her more angry. She says I talk to her like a child and I treat her like she's dumb and that I'm basically a horrible person. At this point I feel like have I done anything good. I apologized for making her feel that way and it seemed like I just have her more power to beat me down more. I tell her that I've truly learned a lesson from all this but she replies with NO YOU HAVENT. your just saying that and when things go back to normal you will start up again. I personally didnt think I was that bad. I mean we argued but she was just as ugly to me as I was to her. I've stopped talking to her mean and I never cuss at her anymore. However she still speaks to me very aggressively. It's like the nicer I am the meaner she becomes. I asked her if she wanted out and if she did I would do whatever I could to help her because I just want to see her happy. Once again I was wrong for that as well. Now she says she doesn't feel safe in this marriage. She feels like I'm trying to force her out. I ask everyday about this because I truly want us to work. I worry about losing my wife and family. I do think you are right though. I need to back off. I need to call off the pursuit. It's just so hard to do. We use to do everything together and I really miss her being in my life. I cut off all of my friends because I wanted to show her that she is the only one in my life. Now I feel like I did the wrong thing.

I don't think this list is realistic for those who are actually going through this. I don't know where the author got her experience or maybe she is just willing to accept nuggets instead of commitment from her distant man.

I tried to have a talk with my distant bf today and he said "why don't you just expect that I won't spend any time with you, then you'll be so happy when I do." How arrogant is that?

Distance makes me feel apathetic and indifferent; well, after the initial devastating heartbreak it brings. I won't spend 20 years in a dead relationships like one of the posters is...why go through life like that? There ARE emotionally mature men out there. I told mine (after 4 years of this crap) that today is the last time I bring it up. If it gets fixed, great. If it doesn't, I won't want to stick around.

Of course he rebelled with emotional abuse, but I suspect he got the message. I will just have to see if he sees me as anything special to him, enough to stop being selfish and start nurturing the relationship. And yes, I said SELFISH. I myself went through depression for many years. I did everything possible to help myself and manage without medications because my goal was not to wallow in self-defeat and self-pity sadness...it was to get better. Everyone is capable of that if they want to do it. It's not up to those being emotionally abused to walk on eggshells and coddle the distancers. If it's a one time event, okay, we all go through it, but long-term? I know where the door is and there are plenty of men on the other side of that door.

We had our fair share of ups and downs. We made it almost 10 years together with a 5yrs old son. I've never experienced this much emotional withdrawal from him since this February, 2017. He has started looking disturbed and aloof. I started asking him that what's the matter. He opened his mouth by saying that he is not happy anymore with me. This marriage has lost its spark. He added more that we are not compatible. I don't get his jokes. We don't have any meaningful heart to heart conversation (which i disagree). As he returns from office the environment of our home seems too heavy for him. He used to be a loving father but for last 2 months he was misbehaving with our son on trivial issues.
Finally, i asked him that has he found someone who he seems compatible to him. Then with some reluctance he told me about a girl at his office who he finds compatible with him. I continued asking him that why does he finds her compatible. Then she told a lot of good things about her. Which only left me puzzled and even more heartbroken.
Then he assured me that it's just a crush and he might get over it. He also added that it's an involuntary feeling and he didn't take any action based on it. That girl knows nothing.
Out of desperation, I told him I'll do everything to make our marriage work (i meant it though). Right after this heavy conversation about our failed marriage, i lost it and sent messages to that girl. I accused her and held her responsible for everything I'm going through. (As I've found texting them a lot over unnecessary issues. Sharing songs etc.)
The next day he went office and found out what I've done. That girl shared my messages to him. As he got back home , with a cool head he told me that he wants a divorce. That he'll do everything for me and our son and i can't have him. After this incident he completely shut himself down from me. Whenever i try to persue him it makes him even more distant emotionally. He told me he misses that girls friendship which I've ruined for him. He seems disinterested to have sex with me. I'm initiating sex though.
I don't know what should i do under such circumstances. I'm having panic attacks. Your help will be much appreciated.
P.S. now a days he is suggesting me to have a foreign degree frequently!

I feel this is me.
My husband is so intense- it drives me away.

We are a blended family. He has a child, I have a child, and a child together. After my last child(which had complications) I had my tubes tied. After that my sex drive went down hill. I try, but I do not want it, he wants it ALL the time. Pawing at me, making comments, hugs are never hugs.

I was never a touchy feeling woman, but I did like sex before kids. After kids it's like I do not want any physical stuff.

I feel awful because he brings this up alot. I try to give him more but it's sooo draining! He wants to lay on me watching tv, it's like he wants me in his face 24/7!! We have kids-why is he so needy....if I'm washing dishes starring out the window, here he comes to have some deep intense talk. I feel like he never looks at me with a smile. It's like he looks through me or has this intent stare like he is trying to peg out another thing to tell me that's wrong. He says he is laid back go with the flow! Ha

I am scared to tell him plans changed. I really do not enjoy talking to him. If I feel like having a light funny convo, he turns it into this dark exhausting convo.

I feel I'm not the typical woman in a sense I do not need reassurance your there, I get it, I know your married to me, but it's like he needs me to call him EVERYDAY while he is at work, he needs me to SHOW him I'm there for him. Ugh it's so draining. I feel like I can't be me. I can't just lay in bed and have a bad day. He is all over me asking me if I'm depressed or if I hate him! Ughhhh.... married for 4years but these last 2 years feel like 7 years. I do not want to feel guilty for "not calling" one day, or feel guilty "because I can't feel what he feels"....

Wow, I feel like a huge weight has come off my chest from reading all of the comments here. The article, to be honest, frustrated me, but I am so glad I read the comments.

I have been in a relationship with my husband for 3 years and married for one. We live in his country, where I am a minority. At the beginning, he was the sweetest, most attentive man on earth. We actually fell in love because he took care of me as a friend when I was in the hospital for three days, and then brought me home to his place because I had no one to help me at my own place. Anyway, he was so romantic and fulfilled all I ever wanted in my marriage.

We have had three times when I went back to my country to work and also to be with family. The first time was 2 months, then 4 months, and the most recent has been 7 months, during which I have been working on immigration paperwork. I came back in May, and it is now August. From the moment we got in the car to leave the airport, I could feel a HUGe change in him. He wasn't cuddly. He wasn't concerned that he was ridiculously late picking me up (though it wasn't his fault but the fault of the airline changing terminals). We fought within the first two hours of me arriving. He is just so stressed and moody and it has killed off all of his loving emotions for me.

I have no real friends here because he chased them all off in the beginning, telling me that they were all bad for whatever reason, and that I was spending more time with them than him. I know that one is my own fault, but I thought it a slight sacrifice for an amazing life partner.

Anyway, about 4 weeks ago, I was in an accident, and my foot was crushed. Now I can't go anywhere because we have no car, and the country we live in is not handicap accessible at all...no sidewalks, thorny bushes everywhere to trip my crutches in. So I sit at home, alone, almost every single day. He says he isn't having sex with me because he doesn't want to hurt me.

I tell him that I just need him to be happy to see me when he gets home. Instead, he laughs around his friends and family, but when we are alone, it is as if you could cut the tension with an axe, and it would only chip off flakes.

I have broken down since my accident twice now, both in the same week. I literally feel abandoned. I don't have friends or family to turn to here. I don't know what will happen if his visa is denied next month. I feel like both of us are weighing all of our happiness on if it is approved or not.

I know he does not do well under stress of any sort. But this is too much. I feel so desperate just to be held and loved. He does, in his defense, hold me when I absolutely demand it, and tells me comforting things at those times, but as soon as he stands up out of bed, he is back to MR. Grouchy Pants/Happy Go Lucky Guy in public, and it is killing me.

I am trying to not pursue...but when I am alone alllll daaaaay loooong, every single day, even weekends, I feel I effing deserve some attention and affection.

The author has a very poor grasp of the nature of a problem like this

I think the deeper here is emotional neglect and emotional incompatibility in relationships.

As a society we seem to ignore this side of things until it explodes. Sometimes incompatibilities are just that. And we should understand that sometimes you have to walk away when your needs are not getting met.

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But its's painful... how do you cope? This list sounds great and it seems like it can really help, it even sounds a lot like the beginning of my relationship when things didn't feel so distant and I felt more pursued by my partner. But it feels painful. Sometimes it makes me feel like I can't breath, my heart feels like its in my stomach. How do I just ignore feeling this way, so he can have space? Why do I have to experience this while he's going through this. Why do some people have to sacrifice and grow while others don't. How long are we supposed to wait and feel this way while he goes on being loved and adored. while we emotionally suffer.