Thank you for posting this article, it hits close to home. I have a strange relationship with my mother, when I say strange I really mean she Hates me from the day I was born. This may seem harsh but it's true. I'm the youngest sibling of four, my father was in the family pic , plus I look different than my other siblings! My mother hates me because she feels like I'm the daughter who looks like the men she most hates , and I'm the child who left the house first with no help needed. And every holiday I send her a gift. We'll my question is should I question my mother on the accusations I feel or ignore the hate as if it's not happening?
THE BASICS
- “It doesn’t matter what I do for her; it’s never enough.”
- “I bought my Mom a beautiful gift for her birthday, but she took it back. She always takes my presents back. What’s with that?”
- “I hate Mother’s Day. I can never get it right.”
- “My mother’s feelings are forever being hurt. Why doesn’t she appreciate how hard I try?”

Guilt-provoking mothers are everywhere. If you have one, you may react in a number of different, common ways, such as with anger, frustration, sadness, hurt, and guilt.
If you feel guilty about not being "good enough" to your mother, or angry at her for “making” you feel guilty, chances are that your mother actually feels guilty, too. While she may not show it directly, psychoanalysts have suggested over the years that guilt-provokers are often guilt-sufferers themselves.
Why is this?
One major reason may be that guilt is a painful emotion. Defined as either actual culpability (“the fact of having committed an offense, crime, violation or wrong”) or “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined," guilt is a feeling most of us hate—and work to eliminate. That’s one of the reasons it is such a powerful tool for getting someone to do what you want them to do. It is also one of the reasons that most of us dislike people who try to make us feel guilty. (In recent years, psychoanalysts have focused less on guilt and more on its cousin, shame.)
Early psychoanalysts understood that unconscious or unrecognized guilt was a driving force behind much neurotic behavior. Freud and Melanie Klein believed that anxiety about normal aggressive wishes towards parents—like the wish to get rid of one parent in order to be the most important person in the other parent’s life—could create guilt in young children that, if unresolved, could impact that child’s mental health throughout the rest of his or her life. Whether conscious or unconscious, guilt is an important factor in our lives.
Guilt is not a nice feeling. We try to avoid it; when we cannot, we try to get rid of it, sometimes by trying to put blame on others through the psychological action called “projection.” “I don’t feel that way; she does,” we say. American psychoanalyst Jody Davies calls this a “hot potato” feeling—if a feeling is too painful to hold onto, we try to pass it onto someone else.
When we cannot give the bad feeling away, we often get angry at the person who seems intent on making us feel it. “It is not my fault, it's yours,” or “I’m not the bad one, you are!” we think to ourselves (even if we do not verbalize it).
If your mother is trying to make you feel guilty, some of her behavior may be driven by her own unrecognized and unresolved feelings of guilt. Should you accuse her of this the next time there’s a conflict between you? Probably not. But being aware of this possibility might help you manage your conflict better.
What you and she—and all of us who struggle with guilty feelings—really want is to be forgiven, to know that we are not all bad. Often we end up getting the exact opposite, though. Your “guilt-provoking" mother may really just want to know that you think she’s a good person—just as you want her to let you know that she thinks that you are good. She may long to hear that her children love her, even as she drives you and your siblings away with her anger and guilt.
Her guilt-provocation might not have anything to do with you at all. It might be about impulses (not even actual behaviors) that she felt towards her own parents or siblings when she was a child. She may want to know that she was not a bad, angry, or hurtful daughter. Maybe she secretly or unconsciously feels that she is a bad person. Or it might even be about you—indirectly, if she sometimes hated you when you were a crying, colicky baby. (Mothers do sometimes hate their babies, and according to D.W. Winnicott, these feelings are not only normal, but in moderation are a healthy part of mothering!)
Since she can’t ask for it directly, she may use guilt to push you into giving her what she wants. Of course, that doesn’t work—instead, it achieves the opposite. It may leave you feeling angry, critical, unresponsive, and unloving toward her.
What would happen if, instead of reacting to the surface meaning of your mother’s words, you assumed that she was struggling with guilt? What would happen if instead of getting angry when she criticizes you, attacking her back, giving her a meaningless gift, or saying meaningless nice things that you don’t actually mean, you tried to respond to her underlying guilt?
How would you do it?
Here are five simple suggestions. You might start by trying just one. Sometimes one small change in your habitual interactions can trigger new ways of being together, without a single “sorry” ever being said.
- Say something positive to your mother about her mothering.
It has to be something that is true and that you truly admire or like. It can be something you have always taken for granted, have never thought about, or that you realize you have been doing with your own children. For instance, you might say, “You know Mom, I was thinking about you today when the kids and I sat down to watch a TV show. I always loved it that you sat with us when we watched cartoons on Saturday mornings, and I try to make sure that I do it at least once a week with the kids. It’s just a nice time of being relaxed together.”
- Try to put yourself in her place and respond to her accordingly.
For instance, if you are staying home for Mother’s Day in order to be with your own children, or if you are going to see your partner’s mom instead of yours, you might try saying, “I know how hard this is for you, Mom, and I just want you to know that I love you! I’m sorry I can’t be in two places at once.” If it’s true, you could add, “And you’ve been a terrific mother in so many ways, I don’t want you to think that our not being with you means that we think you haven’t been a good mom!”
- Pay attention to your own wish to get rid of your guilty feelings.
Is it possible that you and your mother are playing a game of hot potato with guilt? Are you trying to push your bad feelings off onto her? If so, try to honestly assess what you might be feeling guilty about. We all do things we wish we hadn’t done from time to time. What can you do to fix it? What can you forgive yourself for? What can you simply let go? Managing your own guilt will make it easier to stop pushing it back onto your mother when she tries to hand hers off to you.
- Keep your own needs and the needs of the other people in your life in your mind.
But don’t rub them in your mother’s face. Right now she might be thinking about only her needs, but at some point, she may respect you for having taken care of yourself and the other people you love without making her feel like a bad or selfish person for wanting you to take care of her instead.
- Avoid name calling.
The term “selfish” has become such a loaded one in our culture that it’s better to keep it out of the conversation altogether. If it comes up—not from your own mouth, of course!—remember that it is healthy to take care of your own needs. Both you and your mom are probably trying to take care of yourselves. It’s too bad that you can’t do it together, and at the same time meet some of each other’s needs; but if you can’t, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she's a bad mother, that you're a bad child, or that either of you is a bad person.
If you do try any of these techniques, please let me know how it works. I’d also love to hear about anything else that you might have tried to deal with your own feelings of guilt.
Copyright fdbarth@2015
No right answer
Hi Jeanette,
How sad that your mother has spent so much energy sending you so many bad feelings! It sounds like you've managed to find a way to grow without her positive reinforcement, though! I don't think there's a right answer to your question, except to do what feels the best to and for you. And to understand that this is not about you, but is about your mother and maybe about your father, to some extent. But I think you already get that!
All the best,
Diane
enabling
Hi Jeanette:
I tried all the suggestions in this article, early on. Why? Because I always mothered my mother by trying to put myself in her shoes.
The only response to my mothering from my mother was that her behavior became worse and worse, just like a spoiled 2-year-old, who always gets her way by throwing a tantrum.
I think it was because my being nice to her simply enabled her negative behaviors.
Being understanding and nice to this type of mother may work in some cases, but obviously not all. It depends on the underlying issue.
My mother was always hateful towards me. She even frequently told me that I gave her trouble even before being born because apparently, when in the womb ,she had developed a limp and claimed it was from me trying to irk her by pressing on a leg nerve??????
My mother also oftened threatened to kill her children by passive aggressively stating that she gave us life and thus she could take it away.
By all accounts from friends and relatives, I am the most accomplished and well behaved of all my siblings.....definitely the compliant and obedient one. My brothers frequently acted out and got into expensive trouble.
I also left the house first and was the most independent and never asked for financial help.
My mothers most frequent insult to me through the years was to say in a disgusted tone that: "you look just like your father". she claimed to love my father but lamented always about the richer ones that got away.
I extend my empathy to you.
In the end, to save my sanity, I had to go no contact with my mother because the emotional abuse and guilt tripping escalated exponentially.
Your mom sounds like my mom
I was surprised at how closely your mom describes my mom's ways.
I have seriously considered cutting ties with my mom. I am about to give birth next month, and she left me a voice message saying that I am going to abort my child out. I find her word choice despicable and makes me feeling strongly about keeping my baby child away from her.
Mother
Hi Sara,
I know what you are saying. My mother told me much the same things and I feel the way you feel as well ... even though I feel so very guilty about how I feel about my mother.... I just can’t look past it. I am an only child and my mother is the last of my family (with no other relatives alive), but I am just done. I’m just done.
Cynthia
The Southern United States
Look to God
Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me. -Psalm 27:10
There are times when I feel sad, self-pity, guilt. But I push to remind myself that God loves me. He is greater than my mom.
Your psalm
Maria:
Posting your biblical psalm will likely help many people.
You were kind to post it.
Thanks
Thank you, Sara. God bless you. I have been reading about God through the church World Mission Society Church of God.
Better to read the Bible
That church has specific rules that they are promoting. However, when you read the letters that Apostle Paul wrote, he made it clear that Gentiles are not require to follow Jewish laws and regulation. This church says that keeping the seven Jewish feasts are a requirement.
I am using the Gideon Bible app.
Thanks again.
Maria:
I hope you are doing okay. Thank you again for the information.
I empathize
Cynthia:
Sorry you, too, are dealing with this vexing issue.
How to make your mum love you again
So I have PlayStation and whenever I do something bad my mum takes it away. Today she told me to unload the dishwasher and I said I will do it in five minutes but then she started to unload it and I told her to stop but she said I was done and she took my PlayStation away for the rest of the week
Although it may be possible
Although it may be possible that such a mother feels guilty herself, I don't see how these suggestions could work.
As the author wrote, "guilt is a painful emotion" - if the mother knows this and chooses to inflict pain on her children just to satisfy her wishes, the suggested responses would only give the message that this behavior pays off and would further inflate her sense of entitlement. Why would she stop then?
The only thing that ever made my mother reduce this behavior was to completely ignore the guilt-provoking comments. Of course, she never completely stopped trying, but I am happier to know that I am doing my best to resist being manipulated by such a selfish person.
moms
I agree, Anna, I have had a couple sources advise me that ignoring the action or comments is the best solution. Being told I was trying to get approval from someone who would never give it to me absolutely struck a cord with me. When I get shut out or chastised, I see that as childlike behavior, and I am an adult. I don't play that game. It is hard, but I can't let it get to me anymore.
Realize You're an Adult Now
Thanks, Katie. One of our therapists at Carolina Partners in Mental Health (here in Durham, NC) had some words I wanted to share on this idea that you discuss of "realizing you're an adult now":
Realize You Are an Adult Now
We often jump to the panicky place of losing the approval of others as we did when we were a child. This childlike emotional perspective can fill us with the need to defend our position and try to win arguments against people who will never change their minds. The first step in overcoming this obstacle is to remember you are an adult who does not need the approval of everyone in order to have your needs met. If you are visiting relatives out of town and things do
not go well, you know you can always find a backup plan of a hotel. This would not have been an option you had as a child, but now have as an adult.
--Michael Goulding, MSW, LCSW
Author of “Protecting Your Inner Peace”
http://www.carolinapartners.com/staff/goulding.php
I completely agree with you
What you've said here speaks to me more than this entire article, as you said if the mother knows how bad guilt feels she wouldn't put that on her child. This article seems to have been written from the perspective of a guilt ridden mother tbh, rather than it actually providing any help to the person on the recieving end of the guilt, it feels as though it's just reiterating everything the guilt trip giving mother tells you.
Most of the people who have searched online to find this website will be old and wise enough to understand that a mum isn't just your mum but a human being who has their own issues, so the advice the psychologist gives to pretty much cut mum some slack and see it from her point of view is quite condescending. It seems from the comments that most people have figured through common sense alone to try the obvious psychology 101 "steps" listed.
I too found the only thing that helps is to completely ignore the comments she makes, otherwise if you think about what shes saying and doing to you too much you break down. This articles advice is poor. Your advice to ignore it is far simpler and actually works, not that it doesn't still hurt, but you have to be the bigger person and get on with it unfortunately.
Life educates
I am glad that we have been able to use this space from "Psychology Today" and express how little this "expert" actually knows. She's got some good point, for example no name calling. But that other part about "slack" totally unwise. The more slack someone is given the more bad behavior that person will experience.
A clinical perspective
I think perhaps she means well but is looking at it from a purely clinical perspective.
I think only someone who has experienced this type of mother can truly understand the crazymaking it inflicts on the child.
Sending you love and hugs and thank you, again for the psalm
The article is utter codswallop!
Anonymous wrote:I am glad that we have been able to use this space from "Psychology Today" and express how little this "expert" actually knows. She's got some good point, for example no name calling. But that other part about "slack" totally unwise. The more slack someone is given the more bad behavior that person will experience.
You know what Maria? I also have the same issue after reading this article. It seems like the article is biased in explaining how mums are always feeling all sorts of emotions but as off-springs, we aren't. We have our lives, our problems and if we keep stroking our manipulative mother's ego, it will get worse. When something is wrong it needs to be addressed softly but firmly, be it's the fault of the mother or the child. No sugar-coating, no slacking! I never really liked Psychology Today's as these articles are pretty biased at their best!
Guilt Trips - I Don't Do Guilt
I don't do guilt. That is not to say I am a sociopath but that I refuse to be manipulated by guilt trips ie. no one can "make" me feel guilty. When I have hurt or offended someone or did something wrong I do still feel bad. For me that is a feeling of regret not guilt. When I have done something that I regret doing I do my best to correct what I have done. That could be an apology, replacing something broken, etc. Once I have done that I am done with the situation with the exception of learning from it. If someone tries to lord a situation over me I simply say, "Pack your bags we're going on a guilt trip," then I let it go.
I learned from an early age, approximately 10 years old, that guilt trips were being used as a manipulation. Being a strong willed person I don't allow myself to be manipulated, even at that young age. Both of my parents were apt to use this method. This is when "pack your bags..." was first used by me. My mother eventually learned that this wasn't working and stopped. My father on the other hand kept trying until the day he died. It never worked and because of that my dad would often get angry and frustrated about it.
No one can "make" me feel anything. To do so that would indicate that they have power over me. When I get angry it is because I have allowed it. Also if I am sad, disgusted, resentful, and even happy that is all my responsibility. Do I get angry when someone has done something to react that way? Absolutely but because I have allowed it to get me angry. I am responsible for my feelings and the way I react to people. Given that I am responsible for my feelings I refuse to feel guilty especially when it is being used to manipulate me.
Please help me. My mother
Please help me. My mother makes me feel that I am the reason why she is suffering. My relatives are blaming me for not loving my mother enough and that's why she has gone crazy. It is so painful to hear people blaming you for the actions that my mom has chosen. I was a good daughter, studied very well in school, have a nice paying job but still my mother make me feel like I am the most obtuse daughter at all. She accuses me of not loving her. How can she do that to me. I take her to fancy restaurants, give her gifts during her birthday, christmas and mother's day while I give none to my Father whom I love dearly. Please help
I'm in the same camp
I have the same experience with my mum and relatives. My aunt went so far as to say, "You're not a very nice daughter, you are never there for you mum, you treat her so badly" because I didn't drop everything for mum whenever she was having an emotional meltdown or another 'illness' or 'injury' that needed someone to look after her. My brothers can walk on water, but I am the daughter who never quite measures up because I refuse to surrender to the 1950s world view that my life should be subjugated to serve my parents needs as they age. My mum uses guilt or criticism as weapons, but she could never admit it, and I feel like she runs me down when talking to relatives about how her daughter never does enough for her. her mother treated her like she was never good enough, now she hands that down the line to me.
Taking Care of Yourself First
Thanks, Diane, for this article. It's especially nice to hear your comments about taking care of your own guilt. That's strong advice--to forgive yourself and to see and understand your own guilt first and to nurture yourself. Self-nurturing can go such a long ways towards helping with situations like this!
It's also nice to hear your thoughts and suggestions on managing the situation. One of our therapists, Michael Goulding, MSW, LCSW, here at Carolina Partners in Mental Health (in Durham, NC), offers the advice, "Focus on Managing Differences vs. Winning Arguments." That seems like another way of summarizing several of your suggestions, and, when combined with self-nurturing, that seems like a really powerful strategy!
Michael also says, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” which can apply here too. He has more good advice that applies to your thoughts here: http://www.carolinapartners.com/uploads/documents/Provider_Articles/Michael_Goulding_-_Managing_Conflict_at_Work_or_Home.pdf
Thanks again for writing!
best,
Carolina Partners in Mental Health
Durham, NC
http://www.carolinapartners.com/
Long distance divorced mom
Hi,
I left home when I was 18 because I was very unhappy. Divorced parents, mom taking role of victim, laying guilt trips and controlling me, I had to go. I am now married and pregnant with my first child. Due early October.
My mom criticises me a lot, nothing is ever good enough. The latest and greatest was yesterday when she tried to make me feel bad about my plan to put my child in daycare after I go back to work. I have nobody here who can take care of my baby after maternity leave, and as it stands, I cannot afford to stay home after the baby is here. She wants to come live with me and is trying to guilt me into lasting her to do so.
I got very upset and emotional (pregnancy hormones don't help here) and to her that this is my child and my husband and I would do what we deem right.
I told her she is making me anxious and I would appreciate it if she kept this sort of thing to herself, and that if she wants to spend an extended amount of time here, she can buy or rent a place nearby.
She is very opinionated, and critical. She is supposed to spend 2 months with me after the baby is born and I have no idea how I am going to deal with the stress.
She said I was being too hard on her and she has lived me all her life and doesn't deserve this. So I said I was sorry for being hard on her but she needs to respect that this my life. To which she responded: you have been hurting me for a long time, and I have let it go, but this time it's too much. You have to respect me as your parent and as a close family manner and not treat me like a stranger.
I did not reply.
She can't get over herself and let me have a peaceful first pregnancy. I am so angry at her for this. I really don't know what to do. I am worried about having this kind of drama around me and her criticism after the baby is here and she is in my house 24/7
Help please!
I feel you. I know how hard
I feel you. I know how hard it is to have an overly criticising mom. My mom said the same things to me. She wants to delve into my phone but frustrated to find out it has password. She wants to know how much I earn and wants to see my payslip. She wants to keep my ATM card. And she feel very frustrated that I want privacy. As the author said, this kind of mom knows no boundaries. I know it's very hard to be with a new born with little or no help but me and my husband has come to the decision that it will be just the two of us. I know that would be very difficult as we have to work, but difficult is better that to have her stay in our house - it is much of a stress. Post partum does not help either. Imagine spending the next 2 months with it - I cannot.
Do have her over
I hope you did not have her over for two months. My mom too says I do love her though I show my love through my actions. I am delivering my first baby next month, and she will not be there. I want to have peace and not be irritated into anger.
Typo in my previous comment
Meant to write that she says I do not love her.
Complicated Holidays
I have been feeling tremendous guilt for over a week now. For Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend, I politely declined my mom's invitation to her Thanksgiving dinner for the first time ever. I told her that as planned for the past year (and discussed for even longer), my husband and I wanted to start some our own traditions this year for the holidays. This would mean we wouldn't necessarily be available to go to her house. Every holiday has always been very stressful with trying to please both families and show up to their various gatherings, which is made complicated by the fact that my mom is remarried to a lovely man who happens to have really awful (adult) kids who have made my mom's life living hell since they got married 7 years ago. They treat her like dirt no matter how good she is to them, and they still treat us like visitors in their home (even though my mom and stepdad purchased a new house together with their combined money). They have been particularly rude towards my mom and stepdad this past year and have had some falling outs which have made me sick to my stomach, yet my mom has decided to let the holidays go on as normal despite her recent wishes not to host them anymore. Anyway I told her prior to Thanksgiving that we would like to start making some our own plans for the holidays, to which she got very defensive and blamed my husband this decision, accusing him of not wanting me to see my family. I explained that this was or decision together, and reminded her that we had decided this awhile ago, and she said she hopes that the stepkids' behaviour this past year will not affect us having holidays together like we always have. Again, I explained that this decision was made awhile ago, because we want our own traditions, and doesn't mean that every year will be this way, but the truth is that the stepkids have made us very uncomfortable for many years when we have been over there. I didn't say this to her, but I have always gone over there to make her happy, and have not thought about my own feelings. Anyway she said that she understands us wanting to make our own plans, and how hard it has been with the stepkids, but it is just very sad that it has to be this way, that she always hoped she could have a beautiful blended family in which everyone loved each other and perhaps this is wishful thinking. I reassured her that it's not her fault, that families are not perfect and that sometimes you just have to improvise, and that she married her husband and not his kids. We can still find ways to see each other and it's not like we're never going to come over again, we just might not be there every time. But since that conversation she has been very cold and distant, with one word responses to any texts I have sent and radio silence otherwise. Very unlike her as she is usually very chatty and sending me message daily. She has done this in the past and I know if is her feeling sorry for herself and guilt tripping me, but from my point of view I have always done holidays to make her happy and have not thought about myself.. it is time for that to change but I am feeling worse saying no to her than if I just went to these dinners. I find that in the past I have always given in to my mother's guilt tripping, and I feel that she uses it in me because she knows I have a weakness for pleasing others and that I am "too nice" to say no. What can I do?
Ugh, what a story. Of course
Ugh, what a story. Of course you should be able to start your own holiday traditions if you want, without your family/mother trying to make you feel guilty.
This stuff is hard because our mothers can really push our buttons.
I'm also a people pleaser and we suffer the most.
Just take care of yourself. It's not always easy but you have to take care of you first. Sometimes being "selfish" is really just self-care and occasionally taking care of your own needs before another's needs. There is nothing wrong with this.
Strict Mom
Ever since I was a child my mom has been strict on me, mostly due to her asian qualities. She always made me do extra work, and as I got older the extra work kept pilining up to the point I refused to do any of it. In elmentary school, she would force me to stop any play or anything I'm doing and focus on the FCAT. (A standardized Florida state test) for a couple weeks to a month before the test. She would give me multiple tests a day too, and expected me to finish them all. It did help for a bit, but when I started 3rd grade, thats when I started becoming a rebel, lol. And I thought it wasn't nesscessary. I would literally just cheat of the answers in the back, then she found out so she ripped the answers out, and then I just would guess or try to find the answer sheet. It did affect me a bit, but I passed my standard test. She continued this practice until my last standard test in Sophmore year. Not to mention, whenever it was summer vacation she would buy me books to learn for the next grade. In 8th grade she only allowed me 3 weeks to hang with friends in the summer, then she made me stay home and study! when I had nothing to study. But, she got way stricter in highschool. I was in a college program, and marching band. She always expected all A's from me, but highschool I didn't even get A or B honor roll. I tried really hard to at least get all A's and B's, but I didn't. I got A,B,C,D. Many times I was close with a 79 but thats it. My senior year I took the hardest math class ever, and I was really lost, I actually made it through 1 semester and ended up failing it by 2 points. This has been my first and only F I've ever gotten durring grade school. And she would not let it go. I cried so much in highschool for many reasons. I believed I wasn't good enough because I couldn't meet her standards. But heres the thing, my parents are separated, and I stayed with my mom. However, my dad is very much in my life. I don't want to get into serious details but my mom was left to pay for most things alone, and I can understand why she is the way she is. She's always stressed out, running here and there, refusing to rest. It breaks my heart, because I don't want her to live like this, but she takes her stress out on me.. And sometimes I really feel like I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of trying to live up to her expectations, because I haven't met them. And I think her standards for me are really high, because my mom extremely intelligent, she can learn anything I ask her help with. Unfornately, I'm not as smart as her, so this is also probably why she gets upset with me. But lately we have really bad tension between each other, and I'm so tired of it :(
your mom's so lucky!!
Hi Lexi,
Not many mothers have daughters who understand and sympathize with them the way you do with your mother. It makes me wonder if the two of you might get some help together. And if not, I think it might be helpful for you to work with a therapist to get a handle on some of this stuff separate from your mom.
All best,
Diane
Only Child Live out of state
I am an only child, and have always been very close to my mum. She was the best mum that anyone could ask for, growing up. She was very loving and nurturing. I moved out of state when I was 18, I am now 45. Through the years, she had made me feel guilty for being away, and constantly says how alone she is. We always had a small extended family, and they are all deceased now. My father was never in the picture. Since the deaths of the rest of the family, it has gotten really bad with the guilt trips. It's constantly "I am so alone", "I have nobody to depend on". I get to Iowa to see her at least every two months. I do so much for her financially (she is on disability), but no matter what I do, it's never enough. I have tried to get her to live near me in North Carolina, since she has no family left and no friends, back in Iowa, but she won't make any changes. I know that depression is a factor, but instead of trying to get help, it's constantly a guilt trip on me. I love her so much, and it's making me feel like a really bad person. Any advice?
When being a good daughter isn't enough!!!
Hi Jaime,
It sounds to me like you're doing everything you can to make your mom feel better. What would happen if now you just listened and expressed your sympathy without feeling like you had to do anything more? You could sometimes remind her that you'd like to have her move to NC to be closer to you (if you really are ok doing that), but my guess is that you're not going to get her to stop complaining, no matter what you do. Sometimes people just need to complain -- it makes them feel better. The trick is not to take it personally -- to keep reminding yourself that you're a good daughter, no matter what she says. Get other people to remind you of that if you can't do it for yourself!
Hope this helps!
Best,
Diane
Sounds familiar
I have just come across this article & found it very interesting.Like other,s on here i often find it difficult to have a normal relationship with my mother.She is very manipulative and this article about feelings of guilt make perfect sense to me! I am 38 and moved out age 17.I have been a mum myself now for 12 years but the way she behaves just baffles me sometimes.It is like she goes out of her way to get the better of me or belittle me.Then she twists everything around & makes out that i have done something to her or i am just over reacting.At times i think its just me reacting to her.But friends & other relatives have noticed how she is with me.I have tried ignoring it, telling her to stop it but all to no avail.So i might try some of the tips here.
Can so identify with this article
Wow, I did a google search today to find support over my guilt tripping Mom and came across this article. Very helpful. My Mom and I have a complicated relationship, close, but don't have the best communication due to her guilt trips and me emotionally protecting myself because of this and feeling like I can do nothing right. I am also a very good and giving daughter. I am an only child and feel enormous amounts of pressure on me at times. My parents divorced when I was 7 and my Mom had sole custody. She made some tough decisions when I was younger (moving us, working two jobs, etc.) and think she feels very guilty about this, but she was doing the best she could. I am now 43, with my own toddler daughter, and really feel like I am always hurting my Mom in what I do, from my wedding decisions, labor/delivery decisions and recently in making a family decision to move farther away so my family of three can have a better quality of life and actually afford to buy a house. My Mom seemingly was supportive the past year as I was talking about it, but after Christmas told me she wished I would re-think our decision and was very teary leaving my daughter at Christmas to return back home over the holiday (she now lives 2 hours away). I'm having a hard time with this as, yet again, I feel like I can't do anything right. She said she wanted to be honest with me and tell me, but the way she does it isn't the best and then when I try to tell her how I feel she takes it as I'm not hearing her or respecting her feelings...it's like this all the time. I get really tired of it and honestly at a loss often in how we will ever really communicate effectively. She doesn't have any clue that she put so many guilt trips on me.
Fam inviting themselves over
What about issues with out-of-state family members inviting themselves over? In the past, I have agreed to last minute plans...and multiple times they simply never showed up. (But also never called to say they werent coming.."no shows") This even happened when I was relying heavily on them for something -they said they were coming so I waited, and no one came. Now they keep trying to invite themselves but Ive had enough of this so I said no and now Im being guilt tripped and even chewed out..saying I dont love them, Im a bad sister/daughter, Im ruining our family, Im selfish, and so on. They have also bashed my husband horribly! I have asked them to stop with all the negativity...they said once that they would...but it started back the next day. Now my sister and mother tried inviting themselves over right now (from out of state)...yet again...and because I didnt answer my phone (I didnt even know they called) they are guilt tripping again. ("I cant believe how much you hate me! Look at what youre doing to this family!") Im tired of it and it makes me not want to see them at all. They even yelled at me because I didnt go to dinner with them once...because I had the flu! Is it so bad that I want to be left alone for a while? I dont want to be badgered into a visit, I dont want to hear my husband bashed on, and Id prefer our relationship to have stricter boundaries.
Understanding it more realistically , Thank you.
It resembles the same feeling we get , me and my mother when we get into a fight. And just because I wasn't aware of these feelings and was always mourning to know what those impulses meant. Now I begun to understand that and actually I'm on a journey myself. Thank you for writing such a helpful article. I'm sure enough to read it more times to bear those in my subconscious mind.
And you know what, sometimes, she doesn't attack me nor criticizes me, but I don't know why do I take the blame or feel responsible for her depression and guilt-provoking behaviour with my younger brothers, And I don't verbally complain, but in my head , I do it whenever she's upset and just wearing off her anger and depression onto younger brothers. Why am I takingrresponsibility for everything ? ... thanks anyways. Helped me.
Never Been Close but Mom Still Insists on Guilt Tactics
My mother and I have never been close. Her and my father divorced when I was 12 and she took majority custody. During the week I woke to an empty house and returned to one too until my mom returned from work around 7pm. Because of this I always felt strongly independent, which I actually think is a good thing.
During my freshman year of college my father was diagnosed with stage 5 colon cancer and around the same time my mother retired and moved from the town I grew up in the Northeast to Florida. After my father passed my sophomore year it started becoming apparent that my mom had a drinking problem.
A few years later she finally got sober and she has been sober since - about 6 years now. But since sobering up she has replaced her addiction to alcohol with obsessions over other things such as eastern medicine and Zumba. Literally all she does is talk about Zumba and preach bizarre and scientifically incorrect (and sometimes dangerous) beliefs; for example believes vaccines cause autism, claims all peanuts have mold which make us all sick, and that mental health medications are evil. She then tries to cite blogs as proof of her theories. Mind you, I have two degrees in Biology and my wife is an MD, more specifically a psychiatrist so her beliefs are particularly upsetting to both of us (and our newborn child).
Now all that said, I let my mom talk her crazy and have learned to bite my toungue but I work long hours and again have a newborn at home so I don't get around to calling often - maybe once a week.
Recently I had my wife's family over for an extended period and didn't call for a two week span. When I finally got some time I called and when she didn't answer I left a vmail apologizing for the communication lapse and explaining we had people over. The next day she called back and when I asked how she was, she said with a sign "okay I guess" and when I asked her to not beat around the bush she went on about how I left a message saying sorry but if I were really sorry I would call her more.
She's right, I'm absolutely not sorry for not calling - I just used it as a colloquialism. I am a busy person and haven't the time to feel any regret over not calling my mother. I told her that I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and said the phone works both ways. She then argued that she calls me (she doesn't, she only calls me back) and I told her I didn't want to argue and hung up.
Fast forward to today - she writes me an email telling me she expects more respect from me and is surprised I haven't called to apologize.
I honestly don't know how to reply, part of me doesn't want anything to do with her. Again I kind of raised myself and my mother spent a large portion of my life in a drunk stupor and another portion drinking the cool aide from some crazy people she met in AA. I realize this isn't an option but I just don't know how to proceed. I agree with one of the commenters above that I don't want to reward her manipulative behavior - should I confront her (again) and call it out? The guilt and nasty email have left a cloud over my emotional well being. Any advise is appreciated!
Opt for a pen pal relationship
My mom is the kind that wants to vent all her problem during a telephone call and drop here and there remarks of how unloving I am. I have love her so much despite her actions.
My course of action for communicating with her is to call her once a day during weekdays at 7 p.m. say hi how was your day, hear her for 5 to 6 minutes, then say good night to her. As soon as I say good night and bye she stills continues to talk, but I hang up. I also replied to some of her voice message by letter. Being on the phone with her is too much.
My Mother guilt trips me all the time
Hello everyone, I am 24 years young and I am still being guilt tripped by my Mother. I am the oldest of 6. I have felt obligated since I was 16 years of age to help my family. I was at one point the sole provider for my household while still in high school. I felt that this was necessary because she was all I had. Out of all my siblings I am the only one who has never met or even spoken to my biological father. So my Mother was God in my eyes. She made me feel so obligated to take care of bills and family thats the only way I know I am accepted and loved in life nowadays. When I was 18 she moved down south with the rest of my family a month before graduation to avoid legal trouble. (I am the only one of her kids who has walked thus far) and for those five years I financially supported my family continually. Well she met a man online and married him recently I was happy for her and I decided to move with my 2 yr old son and my fiancé to the south. I was over the moon. There was no words to describe how overjoyed I was to finally be with them. I already has mixed feeling about her husband because of the late nights calls of my mom crying and him threatening me as well as my Mom over the phone. We were raised to be respectful and that's what I did 100% . After being there a week my Mothers husband punched her in the chin while we were all i the house. I knew then this was terrible. I grew up seeing this and I didn't want my siblings to deal with the same. My Moms husband had them in his pocket buying them gifts when they told they are scared of him. My Mother slept with a knife under her pillow every night. Anytime I would bring up the issue of him and his abuse she would bring up my faults. Or say you can leave we were fine without you. She even said my son isn't happy (my son is very happy!) we got into several arguments about how much she was allowing my siblings to see with all the fighting. This man she marred is a 6 time felon with drugs and guns in the house. One day while she was at work he verbally attacked my fiancé and an argument happened. He told me that you and that baby gotta go and immediately my Mom took his side! I was homeless with my child and fiancé living in a hotel. Before I left back up north she wouldn't let me in the house to get my things or even say goodbye to her grandson. Fast forward to now. I am now living with my Mother and my siblings because her husband pulled a gun on my family and my smart 14 yr old sister called the cops. He has been incarcerated since and for the last 3 months she says she been happy and she is so grateful to have me with her. A few days ago he calls and says he is getting out. All of a sudden she starts saying mean things like i don't love her. I treat my son like he's an inconvience and that I'm dirty and she can't live with me because she doesn't like living with other people. I'm
So distraught and confused I thought we wee good and she said she was happiest with her kids why does happened and why is she making my feel bad on speaking for what's right. She turns my siblings against me all the time ans when they are with me they say I'm
Right but they are scared to tell mom. When I was 18 my Mother told me I wasn't her daughter anymore I help out with any and everything she's needed since then to
Feel wanted but I am stating to believe now no truer words have even been
Spoken. Everyone looking on the outside says she has always tried to guilt trip me because she knows she is all I have as a parent.
I am certain this is true.
Mother is beyond help
My Mother put a caption under a picture of my birth picture- "one hour old and dirty already". This sums up the way I feel ALL the time around her- so I have no contact. My 8 year old daughter is wondering where my connection is with my Mother's love- I was severely emotionally neglected and abused and don't know how to explain this. My daughter doesn't understand where that love went because she feels a strong bond with me and her Dad. She intuitively said I didn't get loved the way she is.
Do I need to spell it out for her? And if so can I have a referral for a counselor?
well wishes
it sounds like you are breaking the cycle. if you explain overly to your 8 year old daughter, that might not break the cycle--of 'care-taking' the parent.
sometimes one can't have a relationship with family who refuses to take any responsibility for the unconscious or, perhaps conscious damage they inflict because of their own whatever behaviors. it is called character. can't change someone else. boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
No Winning
I have tried all these things in rotation for years, and yet my mother is still mean. She doesn't realize it, but she has Borderline Personality Disorder and we grew up in a very abusive home with my father as her protector and enabler. It was always out fault, no matter what. Now, I'm back home visiting because her father passed away and I'm helping with the memorial arrangements. I've been cooking, cleaning, doing their laundry, preparing for incoming family members, and juggling my toddler. My mother has been nothing but rude and constantly undermines my parenting. The other day she taught my daughter a new skill, and when I excitedly shipped out my phone to record her, she got distracted and my mother said "We were doing just fine until you came in here." I was appalled! Just a moment ago my daughter fell asleep on me and she woke up crying as I gently placed her in the crib. Mom calls out "I don't think she's sleepy" from across the hall. When I had to message my husband about the budget while my daughter looked at a book, my mother said "I'm glad I didn't have all that technology to distract me when you were a child. You would've learned nothing!" I really wanted to say "Well, you sure didn't use that extra time to ever make breakfast, teach us social skills, get us ready for school, come to our performances, or let us have a day in anything. All we learned is to make everything revolve around YOU." But my dad would most certainly kick me out of their house for standing up for myself. He did it twice while I was in High School. I think I'm done trying.
Hi Anna
You can let go Anna!! I feel your pain. I let go many years ago and I still feel what happened sometimes- but I have no control over what has happened in the past.
Having something to believe in really helps- something that never goes away like God- God can set you free and you don't have to feel guilty about letting go. God does not want us to be mistreated or used- he wants us help him bring justice and kindness to his world and when you are made to feel guilty by people, his work is ruined.
If you think you shouldn't feel bad- remember if you just told one story to a person with healthy boundaries you would be validated by their reaction.
What you've explained is not normal and it's not healthy- you can let go and heal your past without guilt. You are not your Mother's keeper, she has the same God we do.
Take care Anna...
It did not work
I was happy when I found this article. But then I tried to use all 5 items, one at a time, and at the proper moment (as I thought it was). But, neither of those 5 worked. It even got worse now.
For my wife
My wife and my mother in law have had an on again off again relationship for as long as I can remember. My mother in law is guilty of giving my wife empty promises and false hope. I remember when I first dating my wife when we were teenagers as my wife was starting to get her license her mother offered to buy her a car. To any teenagers delight my wife was excited. She did not ask for a car (my wife rarely asks for things that cost lots of money) and here she was about to get a new car. My mother in law had allowed my wife to get any car she wanted (money is not really a factor when it comes to my wife's family). My wife being a practical person started researching cars based on safety, great gas mileage, and ratings based on consumers. She finally settled on a car she wanted after all her research, they went to the dealership and test drove the car and really liked it. It was very reasonably priced and everything was fine. The next day my mother in law comes home with a car, a car they did not research nor did they test drive. My wife was somewhat hurt because she had worked hard researching which car would be best for her. When she spoke to my mother in law my mother in law responded "well its my money". True. It is your money. My wife was hurt because she did ask for a car, and was given false hope that she could find what she wanted. I know it seems trivial but its more of a symbolism for false promises.
While we were graduating high school I went to pick up my wife from her house so we could get their at the scheduled time. Since we were both involved in the commencement ceremonies for band we had to be their earlier than most people to get in formation. As we were already running late we were pressed for time so we were in a hurry. As I arrived my wife let me in while she finished getting ready. As she finished and we were about to leave I, my mother in law rushed down the stairs handed my wife a check for 5000.00 and said "here you go, I guess you don't need my anymore". My wife did not know what to say and was crushed. She cried the whole way to graduation and was silent. To make matters worse as being part of the band we were able to walk with our family as our names were called. My mother in law did not show up.
While we were in college, my wife was pursuing a degree in nursing because her mother had encouraged her to do so, since she is also a nurse. During the first year in nursing my wife excelled in the classes, as she always does but did not have the passion for it. My mother in law kept encouraging her t remain in the nursing program at our school. My mother in law took great interest in my wife because she was also going to become a nurse. Going into our second year of college my wife started taking classes in psychology and fell in love and decided she wanted to come a clinical psychologist. My mother in law was devastated and she stopped taking any more interest in my wife's education.
As time passed me and my wife became engaged. My wife's father passed away that same year and my wife was hurt she did not have anyone to walk her down the aisle. We spoke to our church and our priest encouraged my wife to chose a male figure to walk her down the aisle that she respects and admires. She chose my father, because my father had always been there for us. Everything was fine, nobody was upset with my wife's decision given the circumstances and we were all set. On the day of our wedding as my father was about to walk her down the aisle my mother in law stops her and demands to to walk her down the aisle. My father not knowing what to do did not say anything and right before my wife could say anything my mother in law stepped out of the church. My wife was about to cry before my dad squeezed her hand and let her know this was her day.
My wife has had this type of relationship with my mother in law for as long as I can remember. These are only some of the instances that I can recall. I known my wife since we were in grade school, and are about to become parents of our own. My wife has chosen not to allow my mother in law to be part of this process because she feels that during most of the important milestones in her life, my mother in law has found a way to make it about herself. I do not disagree with my wife's decision but deep down I know my it hurts my wife not having a parental figure there.
It may work...or not.
I want to say, first, thank you for this column and not using the label "narcissist", which is absolutely pointless, as apparently you can't diagnose a narcissist nor will the target accept it as an actual mental illness. And thank you for not suggesting "no contact" as it just makes the issue a lot worse and you'll end up alienating yourself from your whole family.
I think I will try to use your advice. When I was reading it I realized I don't compliment my mom enough or give her positive feedback as a parent.
Now, I don't think of myself as a bad daughter, but it's very hard to think kindly of someone who has put me on the back burner to concentrate on her own love life. But she has been displaying some advanced manipulation techniques. If I'm reminiscing a fond memory, she retorts "And?....What's your point?" It's so out of left field I don't know how to react. And then she'll go on to complain about me to the next person closest to her like I'm not there, usually telling them that I retell stories to make her feel guilty. I could be talking about taking dance classes when I was a kid and she'll turn it into an argument.
Don't get me started on her ultimatums. She'll do me a favor, will sound enthusiastic to do it. Then if something, whether directly or indirectly, gets in the way she'll turn around and refuse the favor. Like, there was a time my mom said my daughter (her granddaughter) can visit and she wanted to make plans and my mom said she would pick me up at work. Well the plan with my daughter didn't go through (can't remember the reason) and my mom said, "Well...then I'm not picking you up at work. *snicker*" Umm...okay?! is all I could say without sounding entitled and demanding.
Just recently we were over there visiting. Now, I go to my mom's often. Maybe every 2 weeks or so, sometimes less, sometimes more. Most of her time, she's either at the stables with her horse or too tired, busy, something. She was telling me that she didn't feel we spent enough time doing summer things together and wanted to make plans for 2 WEEKS later. She was asking me if there was anything to do in the city, and what we've been doing. I mentioned a couple things like the museum "NO. Too expensive.", a popular tourist/local place in my city "NO. The parking is terrible and ..." (goes on a long rant.). Swimming? "How is it at the pool? Is it busy? I don't like crowds." So, no crowds, must be cheap, can't be around smokers. I suggested a picnic. "Oh no. There's too many wasps and I don't want to be bugged with wasps around the food...." Goes on a rant. She told me that I need to take her something, my treat. She knows I don't make much money, and normally very skint at the end of the month, but has been ragging on me about saving money better. I have a feeling it's a test to see how well I've been saving money, and her trying to lure me into a trap where she can have one more thing to complain about me to someone who'll listen.
It's become a pretty predictable pattern with her. i don't know what to do that will please her.
She likes to test me on everything, can't even talk to me like a daughter. If we're talking about our jobs, she'll want me to talk to her like I'm talking to my boss. If I'm ranting she'll ask "*gasp* You said that to your boss?" Uhh..No. Never said I did. "But you said *fill in blank*" Yeeeahh. I'm talking to you, you're my mom. "Well, pretend I'm your boss. Talk to me like I'm your boss." Huh? Whaaa...? Everything has to be a role play and a serious conversation. There's no just having a normal, light conversation with her. It always has to be so literal, serious and a test.
Sorry if this is long. I guess I had to get some things off my chest. I hope you respond back.
some people and mothers are a
some people and mothers are a disease.
they should be treated as such. how can you send a gift to a disease. these people should be shunned. given minimal or no attention. if they fall in the river let them drown!
all this tell them a nice thing you admire is an extension of a quagmire on how to deal with a diseased mother or people. Its hog wash. you should tell them you look forward to their dying. be mean to them!
My mom's a perfectionist, and
My mom's a perfectionist, and she's passed that on to me, so I react very strongly to her criticisms, whether she's actually "guilting" me or not. Lately I've been having health problems and haven't been able to work much (I'm currently living with my folks), and I've noticed my mom trying not to say anything critical about it. So a few weeks ago, my Bible study did a lesson on gratitude, and they encouraged us to write thank-you notes to people we felt grateful to. I wrote a note to her thanking her for reinforcing the belief that my worth is not determined by how much I can work. She's been even BETTER about it since! Little reverse psychology. :D
Reverse psychology is
Reverse psychology is manipulation. Not a thing you should be engaging in if you are working on a healing from damaged relationships.
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