Keeping Up Romance and Sex Life While Dealing With Infertility

You and your partner are embarking on a new venture—dealing with fertility problems while trying to build a family. You both assured yourselves and each other that romance and intimacy would not be forgotten and, in fact, you thought the fertility journey might even make you a more closely bonded pair. So, what happened?

Here's what happened: Hormone cycles were disrupted or boosted, cycle-dependent intercourse or in-vitro fertilization (IVF) replaced spur-of-the-moment lovemaking, sperm and egg retrievals were not fun, medical protocols interfered with date nights, financial considerations became preoccupying, and the outcome began to seem unpredictable. Is it any wonder that studies say partners often report that spontaneity, romance, and sexual pleasure drop as fertility anxiety builds?¹

But don’t abandon your plan to maintain romance and intimacy during your fertility journey. There are many effective strategies for you and your partner to try, but they don’t kick in automatically—you have to be informed and ready to practice some new skills.

1. Establish a guilt-free mindset.

Both you and your partner must make it clear to yourselves and to each other that neither is to blame for your fertility problems. Men often tell me they feel guilty if there’s a male-factor infertility and a female partner must go through egg retrieval to deal with it. Women often tell me they feel like they failed their partner if there is a problem with her eggs or uterus. We don’t hold ourselves or each other responsible for our height, contact lenses, singing voice, or allergies. Fertility problems are no different. Even if they are age-related, your life journey brought you to each other and to your fertility journey now. You can choose to move forward through the journey together emotionally.

2. Declare treatment-discussion-free zones.

To remember why you enjoy and appreciate each other, try banning treatment discussions when you are out to dinner and in the bedroom. During those times, think of yourselves as being in “pre-parenthood” rather than in a state of infertility. It will not only reduce distraction, but it will also give you a more accurate perspective. There are now so many options for treatment and family building (intrauterine insemination (IUI), IVF, genetic testing, donor egg, donor sperm, surrogacy, gestational carriers, adoption, foster care) that if you want to parent together, there will usually be a way.

3. Set up “time-to-talk" sessions.

Studies are clear. Couples who allow themselves and each other to openly talk about their emotional and physical needs during fertility treatments have greater relationship satisfaction. By talking about your needs, you are giving your partner permission to talk about theirs, too. You are sharing rather than shutting them out and leaving them confused. And if even short-term sexual or relationship counseling is added by mutual consent, emotional bonding during the journey is more likely to be successful.²

4. Take a stress recess.

To make emotional room for romance and intimacy, take a breather from worrying, watching, and waiting for lab results. Since we can’t feel both relaxed and tense at the same time, try counterprogramming by giving yourself some positive physical sensations to block stress, like a hand or foot massage (or both!), eating your favorite childhood meal, cleaning a closet to increase your sense of control, stretching to remind your body how it feels to not be tense, or singing or dancing (shut the door to your bedroom and turn on the music!)—they all work because they are a time-out from stress and make us more receptive to pleasure.

And let yourself laugh. In fact, look for laughter. It’s nature’s innate stress reliever and a great step in putting some pleasure back in your life. Worrying full-time will not help your fertility journey, and laughter and pleasure won’t jinx your treatment results. In fact, they will both help you last for the long run.

5. Try sensate focus.

Sensate focus means scheduling a nonsexual pleasuring session with your partner to increase your physical connection without any pressure to become sexually aroused.³ Take turns lightly massaging, stroking, holding, or hugging. Or take a shower together. You get the idea. Feel free to tell your partner what you would like and what feels good. Try to do this often during your journey to stay connected rather than distracted, and to rely on each other for soothing, as you had planned to do. You will probably find that pleasuring often leads to sexual intimacy as well. Consider that the bonus of sensate focus, not the aim of it.

Finally, make the choice to stay focused on the present journey together and not re-live your own past, which you can’t change, or pre-live a future of worst-case scenarios, which neither of you can predict. Go through your journey one day at a time—and the day to start is today.