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Infertility
Baby Envy: Juggling Baby Fever and Infertility
Here's how to handle baby mania when you’re going through infertility.
Posted July 30, 2019
The girls are getting together to celebrate your friend’s pregnancy. The family is gathering for a christening. The office is throwing a welcome back mommy party for the director of sales. The park is filled with babies because the weather is nice, and the supermarket is filled with babies for no particular reason.
If you’re going through fertility treatment, you’re probably knee-deep in anxiety, sadness, and jealousy: in other words, baby envy.
Don’t feel guilty. You can have more than one feeling at the same time: happy for them but upset it’s not you.
So how do you handle the dread and baby envy? Here are three tips from the Progyny support team, from patients who have been through it, and from me.
1. Say "no" without feeling guilty.
What to say: No.
When: After getting an invite to a friend's baby shower.
Reasoning: You can say “no” without feeling guilty, justifying yourself, or defending yourself. Don’t feel the need to overshare why you can’t attend. You can tell them, “Thank you for thinking of me, I can’t join you but I’ll be thinking of you.”
If your friend or co-worker really cares about you and knows about your fertility struggles, he or she would not want you to feel uncomfortable and may even suggest that the two of you have your own time together before or after the shower. If not, you can suggest that as an alternative. After all, your relationship to yourself is as important as your relationship to your friend and protecting yourself when you’re feeling vulnerable is part of having your own back.
2. Shut down unwarranted advice.
What to say/do: If your Aunt knows about your struggles and is telling you, “Just relax and it will happen,” consider her advice as a caring concern, but explain that infertility causes stress, but not the other way around. Also, add that you’re sure this makes her feel relieved for you and show that she cares.
Or try saying something like, “I’m on advice overload but thanks” or, if it’s a close relative, “I just need some comforting today.”
When: At a family function, baby birthday party or holiday get-together.
Reasoning: Sometimes you may decide that you’d rather deal with baby envy than with an insulted sister, hurt a close relative, or the sometimes inevitable “FOMO.” But before you spend time with your family, make sure you are clear in your own mind that you are not to blame for your fertility problems.
Rather than feeling like a victim of the conversation, you will be a participant or leader and, usually, a lot more comfortable. Finally, give yourself permission to leave whenever you’re ready. Even if you have decided to attend, you must still feel in control and still take care of yourself.
3. Skip the party
What to say/do: If you're invited to an event such as a welcome back party in the office, just email or text a congratulations note and chip in for the office gift so your name will be on the card. Then pretend you’re taking a call or have another meeting. It may be a good idea to call a friend who’s also going through infertility so you can talk without holding back, see that your baby envy is not unusual, and know that when she says, “I understand”, she really does.
When: During a welcome back party at the office.
The bad news is that office parties after maternity or paternity leave are hard to endure because they’re filled with detailed descriptions of birth stories and lots of baby pictures. The good news is that it’s usually an informal event and you can slip away without your co-workers noticing.
Reasoning: The bad news is that office parties after maternity or paternity leave are hard to endure because they’re filled with detailed descriptions of birth stories and lots of baby pictures. The good news is that it’s usually an informal event and you can slip away without your co-workers noticing.
You don’t have to tough it out if you find yourself feeling like you’re surrounded by babies – prioritizing your mental health and stepping away when you need to is perfectly okay.
In the end, you can be in control of what events you can and want to attend. If you don’t want to go to a baby shower or a baby-filled event, spend time with friends who don’t have children yet or don’t want to have children. Watch movies kids wouldn’t get, play games that are too difficult for children, eat food you wouldn’t want them to have, and enjoy your freedom for a night before going back for more fertility treatment in the morning.
Remind yourself that if you want the parenting experience, there are many ways of getting it. You may be trying IUI or IVF now, but there is also ovum donation, gestational carriers, adoption, foster care, mentoring special needs children and more.
And try thinking of yourself in pre-motherhood, rather than in a state of infertility, and it may be less difficult when everyone around you is celebrating pregnancies.
