You’ve been sober for a while. You hit rock bottom and have gone through the arduous process of getting sober. You’ve created a sober life, and you are maintaining it.
That sober lifestyle probably includes a lot of supporting elements, such as going to the gym or perhaps to church. You might have a sponsor you talk to regularly. Maybe you walk in nature or meditate. You might have a support group or a regular dinner with family or sober friends. You go to work. You go to the movies. You have it under control.
Except now, you’re home, perhaps alone, without the gym or the beautiful beach or the weekend yoga class or even your church. The coronavirus shutdown is removing the outlets to which we normally turn to manage our addictions and channel our impulses productively. A question a lot of people in recovery are asking is: Can the coronavirus push you out of sobriety?
The answer is, it very well can if you allow it. This is a dangerous situation for all of us, and particularly for sober people. The combination of stress and anxiety, being alone, and being removed from your healthy habits and safe comforts, can create triggers that challenge someone’s sobriety. It’s definitely a risk.
But I also believe you can take steps to protect yourself and remain sober, even if this goes on for months. Here are my suggestions:
- Pay attention to your thoughts. Not all thoughts are your friends. When you start thinking about who you could call to get substances from, or what kind of wine you might put on your Instacart order, take that seriously: It’s a warning. Temptation thoughts are not your friends. They are leading you toward the easiest path of comfort, the path of least resistance.
If you start thinking, “You know, this is an extreme, unprecedented situation. I could have a drink. One drink is allowed. I need it to get through this situation. How else can I get through this? I could just drink tonight, and I’ll sober up tomorrow.” Those are not objective thoughts. Those are warning thoughts. If your thoughts are suggesting you take a drink, shoot them down like aliens in a video game. Seriously, see them as having little green faces. You want to identify those thoughts as the bad guys sent to destroy the Earth. Your task is to destroy them.
- Stay away from old, non-sober friends, even virtually. If you start associating with people you have cut out of your life in order to maintain sobriety, that could be a risk. Right now, so many people are reaching out to long-lost friends and family, people they have not talked to in years, just to check-in, because we’re thinking about them, we’re worried about them, we have a lot of time on our hands, and no one to spend it with. But if your old friends were part of your addiction lifestyle, you have to keep them out, even now.
You can send a condolence text if someone has lost a grandparent, but you have to keep your boundaries just as strict as always, even virtually. You really can’t go on Facebook and IM an old friend from that time. If that person is sober now, it’s fine to reach out. But if the person is still using, that connection could trigger you to go online and order alcohol.
Your brain can get conditioned to associate a person with a drug, so just talking to that person could make you think about the drug. It’s like your husband chatting with his ex-fiance, with whom he was madly in love. That conversation could call up old feelings for him. Not that he’d cheat on you, but you probably don’t want him to be dwelling on those thoughts. The same can be true with an addiction: A person can trigger you to reminisce about the drug.
If your spouse or child is sober, you don’t want that person to socialize virtually with friends from that time. As Aaron Barnes, owner of Sober Coaching, says, “There is no reason to because nothing would be gained from that.” And as I see it, there are plenty of risks.
- Get virtual support. Join a ZOOM meeting with a sober coach. Barnes is hosting a daily sober support group ZOOM meeting. If you can’t find one to join, form your own daily support group with sober friends.
- Avoid TV shows and movies that feature alcohol and drugs. Even movies that show the dangers of alcohol or drugs can still remind you of what it’s like to use. Even though there were harsh consequences when you were using, there were also reasons for addiction, the part that felt like an escape that you craved. (Again, like with the old fiancé, your whole body could want something you know is super bad for you.)
The remake of A Star Is Born, in which Bradley Cooper plays an addict who ultimately overdoses, triggered plenty of people before COVID-19. Great film. Not great right now. (I don’t even think it was a great idea for Bradley Cooper to play that character. I think it’s a bad move for a sober actor to play an addict. You wouldn’t see me playing someone with OCD if I were an actor.) The First Wives Club also has an alcoholic character. Arthur. So fun, but a horrible idea to watch right now if you’re in the first few years of recovery. There are plenty of great safe and sober movies: Think Alfred Hitchcock. Comedies that don’t involve drugs or alcohol. Pretty Woman. I’m not saying don’t watch anyone taking a drink, but watching someone battle a full-blown addiction? Stay away.
- Exercise. Go out to take a walk or bike ride. Dance around your house, or lift weights, or do pushups. You have to give yourself a release from the physical build-up, the craving, the intensity, the urge. Exercising is hugely protective.
- Have sex. If you’re quarantined with a romantic partner, sex can really help diffuse that physical intensity and craving.
- Throw yourself into a healthy addiction. Ideally one that is physical, that uses your hands and engages your brain. Weed your entire garden. Get out the glue gun. Build that deck you’re always too busy to build. I built a three-story Barbie Dream House. It took 10 hours. (Now I need something else like that to avoid compulsive eating.) Find something to get yourself busy. Don’t feel like you’re wasting time. You’re not. You’re protecting yourself. That Barbie Dream House was a pain. But now my daughter has a beautiful dollhouse.
The short answer: The best way to stay sober is to not take a drink or use a drug. In the words of Barnes, “In the end, only they can make them relapse.” So, there actually are no excuses. While your thoughts can run rampant, don’t feel bad about your thoughts; just make sure you don’t do the behavior. Because once you do the behavior, you’ve entered that body-brain loop. Your body has told your brain it needs the compulsion—the alcohol or drugs—and your brain believes it. You can actually say to yourself: Whatever happens, just don’t do the behavior. Just tell your brain that repeatedly. It’s surprisingly powerful.
