3 Strategies to Make a Breakup Easier

I’m concluding this series on navigating difficult conversations in dating and relationships with one of the most challenging discussions—breaking up with someone. It is hard enough to face rejection and ask someone out in the first place. It is even more difficult to talk about intensifying a relationship and asking for greater commitment. But ending a relationship or marriage, especially after all that investment and commitment, is difficult and anxiety-provoking for sure.

Fortunately, however, many of the indirect “face-saving strategies” used in those other conversations are helpful when breaking up or divorcing someone, too. Kunkel, Wilson, Olufowote, and Robson (2003) identified specific strategies that individuals use to disengage from romantic relationships while reducing awkwardness, embarrassment, and hurt feelings. If you don’t like the usual choices of staying or ghosting, then read on—and learn some better options.

Concerns Before Breaking Up

To better understand those options, however, we first need to learn what makes ending a relationship so awkward. What basic concerns are we wrestling with in that conversation? Aiding us in that understanding, Kunkel and associates (2003) note six main concerns that individuals consider before ending a relationship:

• Why do I want to break up with my partner right now?
• Are they unable to break up with me for some reason (no other place to live)?
• Do I have the right to decide to end the relationship by myself?
• Why do I need to be the one to end the relationship (don’t they already know it is failing)?
• Do they seem like they are willing to break up?
• Do I really want to end the relationship (and lose out on any remaining benefits)?

Studying these concerns further, Kunkel and team (2003) found that individuals considering breaking up with a partner are often worried that “the partner will feel pressured to comply, they could later regret having ended the relationship, the [partner] may appear inadequate, and they themselves may appear insensitive” (p.402-403). Of particular concern to participants was the effect the breakup might have on other relationships (children, family, friends, and other potential partners). Participants were also concerned about not being too forward and threatening their partner’s autonomy.

Despite those concerns, 100 percent of participants surveyed said that they would speak with a partner about ending a relationship if it was warranted. Furthermore, even if their partner initially refused to have the discussion, 86 percent said they would continue in their efforts to end the relationship in the future. To persist in those efforts, however, many chose a less risky and anxiety-provoking option—discussing things indirectly.

Indirect Breakup Strategies

More exploration by Kunkel and associates (2003) found that some participants shared indirect strategies to save face and reduce anxiety while discussing a breakup with a partner. Those indirect strategies were categorized into three levels:
(1) very indirect, with only mild hints about breaking up
(2) somewhat indirect, with strong hints about breaking up
(3) somewhat direct with preliminary conversation leading to a more direct statement ending the relationship. Beyond that, each strategy had a specific approach, as discussed below:

Participants with a very indirect strategy began by providing mild hints and sharing general feelings about the relationship. They also listened and paid attention to their partner’s reactions and opinions, too. This approach avoided blaming their partner and helped everyone feel understood, which follows the general strategy to calm arguments I suggest in my book Attraction Psychology (Nicholson, 2022). Essentially, this is a first step to gently identify annoying problems that are reducing relationship satisfaction—and decide whether they can be fixed and forgiven. Sometimes, however, a partner is resistant to mild hints, or the relationship is beyond repair, and additional strategies are required.

Thus, participants with a somewhat indirect strategy moved on to providing stronger hints, sharing their negative feelings about the relationship, and making a request to step back from the relationship to figure things out. For example, Kunkel and associates (2003) note that participants suggested telling a partner that “things didn’t feel the same anymore,” that they “didn’t know what they wanted,” and they “needed some time apart to think” (p. 399). This approach offers two benefits. On one hand, it gives the partner some information about what is going on, avoiding the anxious and uncertain reactions that can come from ghosting. On the other hand, if circumstances do change, it also provides a path for reconciliation. Nevertheless, some partners can still feel a bit blindsided and may require additional information to understand what exactly is changing and why.

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As a result, participants with a somewhat direct strategy may follow up with a specific request to end or redefine the relationship after completing the first two strategies above. Participants using this strategy suggested inquiring about their partner’s perceptions (“Is it just me, or do you think things between us have changed too?”). Kunkel and associates (2003) then report participants followed up with general reasons why they wanted the relationship to end (“I feel like the only reason we’re still in this relationship is that we’ve been together so long.”) and a specific request to take a break or breakup entirely (“I think we need to split up before things get any worse.”). This approach shows empathy, avoids blame, and allows for the possibility of a mutually beneficial path forward, which are essential parts of breaking up compassionately. Therefore, it offers the best chance at stepping back or ending a relationship with the least amount of anxiety, argument, and hurt feelings possible.

© 2026 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.