A Simple Explanation for the Mating and Dating Crisis

As time goes by, especially in highly industrialized countries, fewer people seem to be dating, marrying, or having kids. Sometimes, this trend is even labeled as a dating or mating crisis. Occasionally, explanations are given for this trend (men working or achieving less). Nevertheless, a central cause for this change in mating behavior is seldom considered.

That leaves us with a question about the fundamental cause of this trend (and what we can do about it). Why do people sometimes seem less motivated to pursue romantic relationships and have families now? For the answer, we need to go way back to Maslow in 1943.

A Theory of Human Motivation

While some may know Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid, his full theory was more extensive. He was interested in finding the largely unconscious (yet goal-directed) primary motivations for human behavior. Also, he wanted to reconcile those motivations with the clinical observations and psychological theories of his day.

Thus, the needs Maslow (1943) highlighted are foundational motives that guide our human behavior (including dating and mating). Furthermore, those motives were split into prioritized categories. So, let's look at those needs and their prioritization below.

Physiological Needs: These are basic needs we often feel as appetites, which are essential for homeostasis and survival (food, water, and oxygen). When dominated by such needs, we tend to forget about higher future goals. Thus, Maslow (1943) cautioned us not to confuse true hunger (starvation) with simply the appetite of wanting something to eat. He also considered our appetites for things like sex and sleep, which are less essential, as lower priorities. Maslow (1943) thought this prioritization was important because it allows us to focus on“other more social goals” (p. 375). Thus, if we get too focused on our appetites, we lose sight of our larger, future goals (like dating and mating).

Safety Needs: Next, Maslow (1943) highlighted the need for us to feel safe and secure. This includes an orderly routine that keeps us physically and emotionally safe (e.g., avoiding feeling things like pain and injustice). Thus, we try to create a living situation and worldview that is orderly and reliable. Unfortunately, Maslow (1943) suggested, this need may be hard to meet in modern societies. Furthermore, unfulfilled safety needs can leave people feeling insecure, which prevents their pursuit of higher needs (i.e., relationships).

Love (Relational) Needs: After physiological and safety needs are met, Maslow (1943) then states that people begin to meet their needs for love, affection, and belonging. People generally feel a need for affection and a place to belong in a social group (acceptance). Thus, they strive for friends and social relationships. Afterwards, they build into future goals, including finding love, having sex, and creating a family. Essentially, this is where dating and mating efforts begin.

Esteem Needs: Finally, people also need self-respect, self-esteem, and the esteem of others. Maslow (1943) stresses that such esteem should be “soundly based upon real capacity, achievement and respect from others” (p. 381). Thus, an individual may meet this need through their achievements, or they may feel esteem through the reputation and prestige they get from relationships with others. Given that, people may be motivated to date and mate to meet esteem needs as well.

After meeting those basic needs, Maslow (1943) then suggests a higher order need emerges—the need for Self-Actualization. This need is not as concrete and fixed as the others but is more individual and self-expressive. As Maslow (1943) describes, “In one individual it may take the form of the desire to be an ideal mother, in another it may be expressed athletically, and in still another it may be expressed in painting pictures or inventions” (p. 383). Thus, only after the four lower-order needs are met is an individual freed up to be fully creative (or pro-creative) in their life. This assertion is supported by more recent evolutionary psychology models, which find attraction and retention of a mate, as well as parenting, generally occurs after basic needs are met (Kenrick, Griskevicius, Neuberg, & Schaller, 2010).

The Modern Mating and Dating Crisis

Given that, some young people may not be dating and mating because it feels too hard for them to meet their basic needs in modern society. Inflation makes physical needs more costly, while advertising makes luxury items feel like life-or-death essentials. Meanwhile, the media generates attention through fear and outrage, leaving people feeling unsafe. Thus, it is no surprise that people torn between competing priorities can’t commit to a partner—and people living in fear and insecurity can’t trust enough to procreate.

Thus, the case is clear for leaders who care about their populations. Put simply, modern societies need to prioritize self-determination over control and surveillance capitalism. Despite the pressing need for constant economic growth, people need to do something other than frantically work and consume. Otherwise, we end up with demographic issues, which cause economic issues anyway—as the current generation burns out in “extended adolescence” before they can even reproduce the next one.

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For individuals in this crisis, however, it is important to see what is truly essential for life and love (versus what is merely manipulating your appetites). As I discuss throughout my book Attraction Psychology, you don’t need the newest and coolest things to attract a mate. Depending on your goals, romantic relationships can even help meet your basic needs, too.

Refocus on the basic needs that truly matter for your survival and attraction. Remember, too, that in other parts of the planet, people are (often happily) surviving and mating with only the most rudimentary facilities. So, it’s a good time for us to all get back to thinking about what we truly need in life, learning to meet those needs together through relationships, and limiting our engagement with systems that are making us immature, disconnected, and stressed out.

© 2025 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.