Why Being Forced to Socialize Can Be So Miserable

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In 2019, I reported on a questionnaire called the "Motivations for Solitude Scale." This 14-item survey helps people differentiate between self-determined solitude (SDS) and not self-determined solitude (NSDS). When solitude is self-determined, people are choosing to be alone for positive reasons. (See the post "Motivations for Solitude Explain Why Loners Love Being Alone.")

This survey's overarching question: "When I spend time alone, I do so because..." People who tend to choose solitude over social engagement attribute their motivations for seeking aloneness to things like "I can engage in activities that really interest me," "It sparks my creativity," "Being alone helps me get in touch with my spirituality," "I enjoy the quiet," and "I feel energized when I spend time by myself."

Being able to choose solitude or social engagement makes all the difference.

Recently published research (Uziel & Schmidt-Barad, 2022) highlights how being able to choose when we spend time with others or spend time alone increases happiness. On the flip side, being forced to socialize or not being able to choose "self-determined solitude" makes people unhappy. These findings were published on March 2 in the peer-reviewed Journal of Happiness Studies.

During a 10-day study that mimicked real-life social dynamics, participants were exposed to four different settings: choosing to be alone, choosing to be with others, forced (no choice) time with others, and forced (no choice) alone time.

Notably, the researchers found that being with others by choice had the strongest, most positive effect on feelings of happiness and episodic subjective well-being (ESWB). However, on the opposite end of the spectrum, being with others not by one's choice had the most significant negative impact on ESWB.

Although this study didn't look at the impact of mandated Covid-19 lockdowns, one could speculate that the loss of choice made it harder for even the most gregarious and extraverted among us to enjoy being surrounded by housemates or family members 24/7. Stay-at-home orders also took away the "self-determined" aspects of SDS. Forced social isolation can quickly start to feel closer to solitary confinement when being alone isn't within your locus of control.

Choosing to be with others promotes happiness. But if it's not by choice, being with others foments unhappiness.

Whether spending time with others or alone, if you're not in either of these situations by choice, it's unlikely that you'll experience a wellspring of positive emotions.

"In terms of our momentary experiences, sensing that we are in the company of others by our choice is associated with the greatest boost to our well-being, sense of meaning, and control," Liad Uziel and Tomer Schmidt-Barad write in their paper's abstract.

"Aloneness (by choice and not) emerged as a setting of relative stability, with participants experiencing their different alone conditions quite similarly," they add. According to the authors, solitude is a predictable experience that can be a "source of personal growth" that boosts happiness and well-being if alone time is utilized effectively.

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