Skip to main content

Verified by Psychology Today


The Surprising Key to Finding the Perfect Partner

A quick envisioning exercise could change whom you choose to be your mate.

Source: Stock-Asso/Shutterstock

When you’re single and ready for a new relationship, it’s only natural to daydream about your perfect mate. You might imagine what he or she looks like, sounds like, or even smells like. You might dream about what his hobbies are or what it’d feel like to hold her.

Luckily, this natural instinct to daydream about a future love can quickly be transformed into one of the most powerful techniques for attracting your perfect mate.

This technique is called envisioning, and it's really just daydreaming while holding a specific intention in mind. The intention usually takes the form of a question. Instead of letting your mind wander, you focus on the question, allowing your mind to circle around it. You let yourself mull the question over without being attached to the answers that surface.

Here’s the trick to making this a truly powerful attraction technique: Don’t ask a question about your future mate. Ask one about your future self.

We rarely envision ourselves in our future relationships. We assume we’ll be the same as we are now; that seems like a given. But it’s actually dangerous to view yourself as static. The truth is, you’re changing all the time, and if you’re going to be with someone for a long time — which presumably you would if they were perfect for you — you should expect to change over the course of the relationship.

Your perfect mate should not just be someone who loves who you are today. They should also be someone who wants you to evolve in the way you want yourself to evolve. In other words, they should encourage you to become the person you want to become.

Give this quick envisioning exercise a try: Close your eyes and imagine yourself five years from now. Don’t focus on where you’re living, what you’re doing for work, or what your family looks like. Instead, hone in on your core qualities. How are they different from today? What does it feel like to be you five years from now? Looser? More balanced? Supercharged?

Hold onto this question: What do you want more of in the future? It might be more courage, more freedom, or more self-control. Just ask yourself the question and let yourself dream.

The answers you receive will give you a sense of the direction you want to move in — internally, that is — in the future. Do you want to move toward inner calm and serenity? Do you want to be more fired up and inspired than you are now? Do you want to be more accepting? More outspoken?

This is your internal roadmap of your future self. So, how will it help you attract your perfect mate? If you’re aware of how you want to evolve, then when you meet new people, you can ask yourself: Does this person bring out the qualities in me that I want more of? Would this person support and encourage me to be who I want to be? Or does it feel like they would bring out the opposite?

For example, let’s say you’ve always been cautious and have tended to think through the consequences of every decision. So when you envision yourself in five years, you see yourself more at ease taking risks. You would like to be more spontaneous and free; this is the direction you would like to move in. Does your new love interest seem like the kind of person who would happily move with you in this direction? Would they encourage and support you in freely taking risks? Or would they, consciously or not, lead you to shy away from taking risks? Would they, subtly or overtly, discourage you from acting spontaneously? Do you get the sense they’d want to move in the opposite direction, toward being more structured and disciplined?

A new partner might have perfectly good reasons for wanting less risk in their life, and the two of you might want the same things, in an external sense—children, financial security, etc. But it’s likely that he or she would not bring out the person you really want to become, and this could lead to discontentment in the relationship. You could wake up five years from now and feel like you’re not really the person you want to be.

New World Library
Source: New World Library

So, beware of viewing yourself as static. You are dynamic—always moving toward being one type of person and away from being another. Find someone who wants you to become the person you want to become. Choose a partner who loves you now, and will also love the person you’re constantly becoming.

Kira Asatryan is a certified relationship coach and the author of Stop Being Lonely: Three Simple Steps to Developing Close Friendships and Deep Relationships.

More from Kira Asatryan
More from Psychology Today