The Truth About Attachment Styles

Ever wonder why some people seem to crave constant reassurance in relationships while others bolt at the first sign of commitment?

You might think it’s just a personality quirk or the result of “bad timing,” but there’s a deeper psychology behind it all. It’s not random behavior; it’s deeply rooted in something most of us haven’t even considered—our attachment style.

Attachment styles—the way we bond with others—are formed in childhood, and whether we realize it or not, they follow us into adulthood. How we learned to relate to our caregivers is often how we relate to our romantic partners.

The problem is, most people don’t even realize how their attachment style is playing out in their relationships, and until you understand it, you’ll likely find yourself stuck in the same frustrating patterns over and over again.

It’s like playing a game you don’t know the rules to—you keep losing, but you’re not even sure why.

The Three Attachment Styles

The big three: These attachment styles can offer insight into why your relationships unfold the way they do. Are you constantly seeking reassurance? Do you push people away when things get too intimate? Let’s dive in.

Anxious Attachment

If you have an anxious attachment style, you might feel insecure in relationships and need constant reassurance. You may find yourself thinking, “Do they still like me?” or “Are they going to leave?” You’re always chasing that sense of security, but no matter how much you get, it’s never enough. It’s like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it—the reassurance seeps out almost as soon as it comes in.

This often leaves you feeling clingy or overly dependent on your partner for validation. And while you might feel like you love more deeply, you’re also more likely to sabotage your relationship with your need for constant affirmation.

People with anxious attachment often experienced inconsistent caregiving as children. Maybe one day your caregiver was loving and attentive, and the next day they were unavailable. You learned to be hyper-vigilant, always on the lookout for signs of abandonment. That carries into your adult relationships, leaving you in a constant state of anxiety about whether or not your partner will stick around.

Avoidant Attachment

On the flip side, avoidantly attached people are the ones who run. They fear losing their independence and feel smothered when someone gets too close. When emotions get heavy, they check out—emotionally and sometimes physically.

You’ll hear them say things like, “I need space,” or “You’re too much.” For the avoidant person, intimacy feels like a threat to their autonomy. They put up walls, keeping their partners at a distance to protect themselves.

If this sounds familiar, chances are you learned early on that vulnerability wasn’t safe. Perhaps you had caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or discouraged closeness. As a result, you developed an inner narrative that relationships equal loss of freedom. So, when things get too intense, your instinct is to run, to retreat into your own world where no one can touch you.

Secure Attachment

This is the holy grail of attachment styles. If you’re securely attached, you’re comfortable with intimacy, but you’re also fine being on your own. You don’t chase, and you don’t run.

You communicate clearly, and you feel safe in relationships. People with secure attachment were typically raised by caregivers who were consistently present and emotionally available, which created a sense of security and trust in relationships.

Here’s the good news. Secure attachment isn’t just something you’re born with or something you can’t change if you didn’t have a perfect childhood. It’s something you can work toward. Understanding your attachment style is the first step in creating healthier relationships.

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So, how does this play out in real life?

You’re dating someone new, and everything seems great at first. But then they don’t text back right away. If you’re anxiously attached, your brain goes into overdrive. “Are they ghosting me? Did I do something wrong?” You start spiraling, overanalyzing every interaction, and before you know it, you’re sending them three follow-up texts. The cycle of anxiety and seeking reassurance has begun.

If you’re avoidantly attached, that same scenario plays out very differently. Maybe they text you all the time, wanting to hang out or talk about their feelings, and suddenly, you feel smothered. You withdraw. You tell them you need space, but really, you’re just afraid of the closeness. In both cases, your attachment style is dictating your behavior, and you might not even realize it.

Can You Change Your Attachment Style?

Here’s the thing, you’re not stuck with your attachment style. You’re not doomed to repeat the same patterns forever. The first step to changing your attachment style is awareness. You have to recognize your tendencies and how they’re impacting your relationships.

Once you’ve identified your style, here are some steps to move toward secure attachment:

• Do the inner work: Whether you’re anxious or avoidant, the root of the problem is often fear—fear of abandonment or fear of losing your independence. The more you can face these fears and understand where they come from, the more control you’ll have over them.
• Communicate with your partner: This one is huge. If you’re anxiously attached, let your partner know that you struggle with feelings of insecurity and that you may need extra reassurance at times. If you’re avoidant, explain that closeness can feel overwhelming for you and that you may need space. The key is open and honest communication, so your partner understands where you’re coming from.
• Seek therapy: Working with a therapist who understands attachment theory can help you heal your old wounds and develop healthier ways of relating to others.
• Practice new behaviors: Change doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s going to feel uncomfortable. If you’re anxious, practice giving your partner space without panicking. If you’re avoidant, push yourself to stay present when things get emotionally intense. It’s about rewiring your brain, and that takes time.

Most of us think that relationships are all about love, compatibility, and timing—and those things matter—but at the end of the day, it’s our attachment styles that may be quietly running the show. Whether we’re chasing or running, it’s not about finding the “perfect” person to fix us. It’s about doing the work to understand our own patterns and learning to show up in relationships as our most secure, grounded selves.

Here’s the kicker.

The more secure you become in your own attachment, the healthier and more fulfilling your relationships will be. It’s not about finding someone who can “complete” you—it’s about becoming whole on your own.