Should We Give Every Child a Trophy?

Recently one of my readers emailed me this question: “Should we give every child a trophy even if they haven’t earned it?”

Q: Tell me if I’m wrong and if I need to change my thinking...

We attend the baseball games of our grandson, who will be 9 years old this year. All the parents of both genders and the coaches praise the kids like crazy: “Great job,” “Perfect swing,” “Wonderful try,” “Doing good”... you get the picture. Even when a kid strikes out, when a pitcher walks too many batters, when an outfielder doesn’t catch the ball and loses it, or when someone doesn’t make it to first base, etc. When things go wrong, the parents’ cheers are so thunderous that I can’t imagine what it does to the kids. And the parents are constantly yelling loudly, “You can do it,” “Get in the game,” etc. And when they don’t do it, it is praise all around.

The same rings true for our granddaughter’s dance recitals. After a recital, awards are given to every girl from the age of 3 to 18. Usually, there are 50 or more girls, and everyone receives an award just for being in the recital. This is done so that the girls won’t cry and get upset when the awards are given for true achievement. It’s the “Give everyone a trophy even though they have not earned it!” mentality.

It all makes me sick! Am I wrong in my thinking? Were we raised this way? I can’t get my head around that this is healthy. When kids get into the real world, they certainly won’t be rewarded for showing up or for poor performances. I’m all for the encouragement and for teaching skills that are age-appropriate, but this goes way beyond what I can comprehend as healthy.

I guess I’m really feeling it because our grandson cries when he doesn’t do well. For example, when he leaves the dugout, his mother hugs and kisses him to make him feel better in front of the other boys. I guess I’m just an old fuddy-duddy, but what’s wrong with telling a child, “It’s just a game,” “Have fun,” “It’s a team effort,” “Suck it up: You’ll always make mistakes,” and “There’s a chance to learn and look ahead to the next play.”

It isn’t just my grandson—some of the other kids act the same way, and all of the parents, in my observations, cater to them beyond what I consider psychologically healthy. Even the coaches give the kids a “precious” pep talk before they get into play.

There was one thing I did notice. There are two Eastern Indian boys on the team from two different families. Their parents don’t yell. In fact, they say very little, and you guessed it, both kids play well, don’t cry or get into acts of drama. Interesting, a different culture.

Let me know your thoughts on this subject. I appreciate any advice forthcoming.

Thanks.

Signed,

A Concerned Grandparent

A: Is this overindulgence?

My coauthors and I have developed a research-based tool to determine the answer to this question. It is called “The Test of Four.”

The Test of Four—Dealing with grandson’s tears when he strikes out

It works this way. You ask four questions. If you get a “Yes” answer to one or more questions, it is most likely overindulgence.

1. Does it get in the way of the child learning a developmental task? If yes, which task? Does it reinforce the early belief that the child is the center of the world?

A: Yes. It prevents your grandchild from learning that disappointment is a feeling that is normal, and it is part of the human experience. When we don’t achieve a goal, it is normal to feel disappointed. If we rescue children every time they feel discomfort, they never learn to, as the song says, “Take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.”

2. Does it use a disproportionate amount of the family resources (e.g., money, space, time, energy, focus) to meet the wants, not the needs, of one or more of the children?

A: No.

3. Whose needs? Is this more for the parent than for the child? Does it insist that the child focus on activities that the parent likes but that are counter to the child’s interests and abilities?

A: Yes. My hunch is that it is more for the parent than the child. The parent can’t stand to see the child in any pain and wants to rescue him.

4. Possible harm? Does it deplete or in some way harm others, property, the environment, the community?

A: No. Not at this time. However, if this pattern continues into his adolescence and adulthood, he may get angry when he doesn’t always get his way, and he may learn to strike out at people or even damage property as a result.

The Test Of Four—Dance recital awards for everyone

Now let’s take a look at the example of the trophy-giving at your granddaughter’s dance recital.

1. Does it get in the way of the child learning a developmental task? If yes, which task? Does it reinforce the early belief that the child is the center of the world?

A: Yes. The practice of giving every child an award at a dance recital reinforces the false belief that they are “special” and are the “best,” even though they have not earned it, and they are the center of the universe. Further, most children already know who the better dancers are, and the adults are not really fooling them.

2. Does it use a disproportionate amount of the family resources (e.g., money, space, time, energy, focus) to meet the wants, not the needs, of one or more of the children?

A: Yes. By buying trophies and ribbons that are not necessary and will probably be thrown away in time.

3. Whose needs? Is this more for the parent than for the child? Does it insist that the child focus on activities that the parent likes but that are counter to the child’s interests and abilities?

A: Yes. My hunch is that the practice of giving everyone an award came about as a result of parents complaining to the dance teacher. They probably thought it was unfair because they wrongly believed that their child performed better than the child who really deserved the award. Now, to appease them, every child gets an award. If this is the case, it is really more for the parent than the child.

4. Possible harm? Does it deplete or in some way harm others, property, the environment, or the community?

A: No. The only harm I see is that giving every child a trophy even though they did not earn one can give the child a false sense of accomplishment.

So, how many “Yes” answers did you get? I got two in the first scenario and three in the second. According to the Test of Four, which is laid out in this helpful handout, are these actions overindulgence? Yes.

I am not against giving children gold stars on a chart for completing a task. I am not against giving stickers to encourage participation or for continued improvement. But I am not in favor of giving out awards or trophies to every child just to keep everyone happy.

As I see it, parenting is more art than science. The art of it is about how you respond to your child, when, under what circumstances, as well as what patterns you establish over the long run. Think about it. What patterns have you established with your children?

I know parents want the best for their children. They want to protect them from real harm and danger. But what message do parents send to their children when they are trying to insulate them from almost all of life’s minor bumps and bruises, such as not getting an award when they really did not earn one?

What life lessons do we teach children when they don’t really earn something or are disappointed with the outcome of their performance? What do these children do when they grow up thinking they deserve something that they really haven’t earned? Here are a few life lessons they might learn as a result:

1. Get mad.
2. Get sad.
3. Get even.
4. Give up.

I know which lessons I would like parents to teach instead:

• Get better.
• Work harder.
• Reach for your goals.

Remember, you can’t change a whole overindulgence culture, but you can change what you do.

All the best.

Dr. Bredehoft

Practice Aloha. Do all things with love, grace, and gratitude.

© 2022 David J. Bredehoft