Why Unloved Daughters Can Become People-Pleasers or Echoists

Understanding why we act as we do is key to changing our behaviors. Recently, I got two messages from readers, which, on the surface, seemed different. Here’s the first one from Jennifer, age 38:

Every one of my relationships falls into the same pattern. I meet someone—it could be a potential friend, partner, or a new acquaintance—and, at first, everything seems fine. But then I end up extending myself in ways that aren’t comfortable, and I end up feeling resentful and used, as if there’s no room for me to ask for things. And I break it off. Done is done.

And here’s the second, from Patti, age 43:

I find relationships—even relatively superficial ones—emotionally exhausting. It’s as though I’m the only one on the planet who missed the class on "How to get along with people." I panic the moment there’s an awkward pause and I hear myself apologizing and trying to find ways of smoothing things over. But I am always on alert for rejection, too. The funny thing is that what I’ve been told by former friends and boyfriends is that I’m the one who’s exhausting to be around. The last guy said it was like passive and aggressive were on speed dial in my head—that I swung between being a doormat who said yes all the time and being easily triggered into fury. He said he just didn’t have the energy for me.

On the surface, these stories seem very different—the woman quick to break up and the one wanting a connection but always afraid of being left—but they share total confusion about what constitutes a healthy boundary or relationship. Both of these women, in different ways, are still burdened by the baggage of childhood.

What You Learned and What You Didn’t Learn in Childhood

Jennifer’s mother was both highly critical of her and extremely demanding, and, at a young age, Jennifer learned to do what she could to avoid her mother’s criticism by doing everything she demanded, whether Jennifer wanted to or not:

I was terrified by how she could rip me to shreds. Her withering glance was so intense that she didn’t even need to say anything to make me feel like dirt, so I did what I could to try to please her. I became the Jennifer she wanted to be her daughter, not the girl I was. My father was critical, too, so I was always apologizing to him for whatever mistakes I made. I still fall into pleasing mode as an adult, but, now, I resent being erased. But I don’t know how to be in a relationship without tiptoeing.

Source: Zora Nemati/Unsplash

Of course, it’s Jennifer who’s erasing herself with those old patterns of behavior. Many unloved daughters end up pleasers either to avoid confrontation that frightens them (that is the attachment style known as “fearful-avoidant”) or to duck for cover, effectively erasing themselves and their needs, to stay out of the cross-hairs of mothers high in narcissistic traits or who are dismissive or combative. Closely allied to more overt appeasing and pleasing is the trait of “echoism” popularized by Craig Malkin, the author of Rethinking Narcissism. Basically, an echoist is someone who doesn’t have enough healthy self-regard and thus erases herself and her own needs. (For more, see this post.)

Patti’s parents made her feel that love was contingent on her behavior, and although they could be supportive at moments, they also withdrew from her if she asserted her independence.

Being in my mother and my father’s good graces totally depended on my living up to their standards of performance. My mother felt that everything I did or didn’t do was a reflection on her, and when I fell from grace, I fell hard. When I didn’t make the cheer team, I suffered through two weeks when she wouldn’t talk to me. I cried and begged for her forgiveness, but nothing helped. Life went on, but I always worried about failing her, failing the family.

Patti’s behavior is actually typical of someone who’s developed an “anxious-preoccupied” style of attachment, which is both complicated and transparent when you understand it. This person actually craves the validation a relationship gives her, but she’s also terrified of being left. Being in a relationship with someone with this attachment style requires a commitment to the ups and downs of living on an emotional rollercoaster. It’s not for the faint of heart.

Lessons Taught (and Skipped)

Children brought up with supportive and attuned mothers and fathers learn that love isn’t contingent on being a particular version of yourself, nor does it depend on fulfilling every parental expectation. This doesn’t mean that there aren’t any expectations—of course, there are—but withdrawal of love won’t be a consequence of failure. Securely attached people know that love isn’t transactional and that missteps and failures are just a part of life. No one likes failures, but they know that they will be supported when they happen.

These are lessons unloved daughters do not learn.

Tracing the Roots of Behavior in the Present

Understanding why you act as you do is key to change; while the best way to change is to work with a gifted therapist, if you are either a pleaser or afraid of rejection, self-help can raise your awareness of why you act as you do. The following suggestions and questions are drawn from my books, Daughter Detox: Recovering From an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life and The Daughter Detox Question & Answer Book: A GPS for Navigating Your Way Out of a Toxic Childhood.

Child Development Essential Reads

Why Are Food Allergies Becoming So Common?

How Early Do Infants Understand Humor?

Answer the following questions; it’s better to write them down than to do them in your head.

1. Do I please because I am afraid to speak up? What drives my pleasing? Is it a need to belong or a fear of rejection?
2. Which is stronger: my need for connection or my fear of rejection? Why do I think that is?
3. How do I respond when there is a disagreement or conflict? Examine what your first and most likely reactions are and how they connect to your childhood experience.
4. Think about a relationship that didn’t turn out the way you wanted. What might you have done (or not done) to have had a different outcome?

Using Stop. Look. Listen.

I learned this technique from a therapist many moons ago, and it actually works to help become consciously aware of your reactivity. You take a mental time-out and ask yourself the following questions:

• Am I reacting to something in the present or has the moment dredged up the past? (STOP)
• Am I seeing the situation clearly or is my reactivity driving the car that’s me? (LOOK)
• Am I hearing the intention behind the words or are the words themselves triggering me? (LISTEN)

The key thing to remember is that, although it’s difficult, what was learned in childhood can be unlearned, and what was skipped over then can be learned now.

Copyright © 2022 by Peg Streep.

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