15 New Year's Resolutions for Millennials

Self-Help (and Fulfillment) for the Digital Age

Posted Dec 26, 2012

1.Stop stalking dude I did/didn’t hook up with two years ago who never answered my text.  Stop worrying that Facebook will add feature identifying stalkers like me. Swear off public confessions about my inner self and posting selfies.

2. Remind friends not to share details of ex’s newsfeed and Instagrams of petite blonde.I defriended him for a reason.

3. No more drunken texts next year.  I am getting too old.  Maybe get designated driver for cell after bar’s last call. Maybe decide to leave bar before last call, though that may be too drastic. Ease into change.

4.  Accept lack of facial hair as life defining.  Have courage to admit I will never be a hipster and give flannel a rest. Make peace with being banned from Brooklyn.  Memorize Serenity Prayer.

5. Stop Looking for Christian Grey.  Accept fact that helicopters and penthouses are hot in real life and whips not so much.  Make the decision what to shave/wax mine now and forever. Make solemn promise never to Ghost anyone again because it's bad for my soul and, perhaps, my reputation. Make "Nice guys don't finish last" my mantra. Remember that half of my friends will end up with starter marriages though they don't know it yet.

6. Tear up list of Rich and Famous People who Lived at Home Until They were Twenty-Eight or older. Save money and move out. Tune out comments from former friends now living with people about how adult they are. Remember that adulthood is a state of mind, maybe.

7. Find Twelve-Step Program for FOMO. Ditto YOLO. Maybe even LOL. Time to move on. Maybe I should consider making more money as an interim goal if not a life ambition. Consider doing laundry on a regular basis.

8. Get real about OKCupid and other dating sites. Everyone, including me, becomes a lying narcissist or a lunatic the minute they sign up.  Focus on the positives of being single.

9. Change status to “Undetermined.” Maybe The New Year will be better.

10. Take mini vacay from people who post all those happy Instagrams and spend their lives texting or posting that life is soooo great.  Surround self with friends more likely to use FML often to boost self-esteem.  Set new priorities. Memorize Serenity Prayer.

11. Recognize that the cute older dude at the bar has his left hand in his pocket for a reason before he buys me a drink and opens his lying mouth. 

12. Give up blonde/brunette divas until February 1. Embrace my inner geek. Stop worrying about all the money Mark Zuckerberg has and how he's not that much older than I am. Memorize Serenity Prayer.

14. Swear off articles about the end of men and all these dudes living in their parents’ basements and creepsters in women’s lives. Maybe being single is good for the soul or maybe not. Stop worrying that everyone is married or living with someone and I'm not. Tape Serenity Prayer to fridge and make peace with my thighs.

15. Stop analyzing texts for meaning, emotion, or anything else. They’re texts, after all.  Get over it.

Bonus resolution Number 16:  Embrace my digital addiction.  I’m a Millennial, after all.

 NOTE: No Millennials were harmed or harassed during the writing of this blog post.

Copyright 2012, 2015 Peg Streep

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