Your Trauma May Be a Parenting Superpower

Think your childhood loss makes you a poor attachment figure? Research shows that the opposite is true. You may be more capable of bonding, and more motivated to do so.

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When I was in graduate school, a professor told me, “The best therapists aren’t the ones who had perfect childhoods. They’re the ones who had to figure things out.” At the time, I wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be reassuring or concerning. But after years of working with post-traumatic parents—parents who are raising their children while healing from their own past—I’ve come to understand exactly what she meant.

For those of us who have lost a parent in childhood, whether through death, estrangement, or other circumstances, the question often lingers: Am I capable of giving my children the secure attachment they need? We might assume that our loss leaves us with a deficit, making it harder for us to bond, attune, or parent with confidence. But a fascinating new study suggests something counterintuitive: We may actually have an epigenetic advantage in forming attachments.

The Science of Loss and Resilience

A recent study published in Scientific Reports examined the long-term effects of childhood parental loss on attachment, creativity, and epigenetic changes in the oxytocin and dopamine systems. Researchers found that adults who lost a parent in childhood actually had lower attachment avoidance in their current relationships. This means that despite experiencing profound loss, they were more likely to seek close, secure relationships later in life.

Biologically, the study uncovered an epigenetic pattern associated with increased oxytocin activity in individuals who had lost a parent. Oxytocin, often called the "bonding hormone," plays a critical role in social connection and emotional regulation. It’s the chemical that floods a mother’s body right after birth, helping mom and baby bond. Essentially, the very thing we fear—that our childhood loss might make us emotionally distant or unable to form strong attachments—may not be true at all. Instead, our brains might have adapted, making us even more attuned to connection and attachment.

Even more interestingly, researchers found a DNA methylation pattern linked to higher dopamine activity, which was correlated with greater creativity. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for motivation and reward, and an increase in dopamine-related activity suggests that childhood loss might also shape a drive for creative problem-solving and adaptability. So we may be better, not worse, at bonding, and better and more creative problem solvers, more motivated to figure out our parenting and relationships. This makes intuitive sense, and now, this study says it makes chemical sense as well.

What This Means for Post-Traumatic Parents

For those of us in the post-traumatic parenting space, this study is deeply validating. So often, parents who have experienced childhood trauma approach parenting with a sense of anxiety, worried that their history makes them less equipped to provide secure attachment for their children. This research suggests the opposite: Our experiences may have primed us for deep connection.

Think about it: If we’ve spent our lives hyper-aware of attachment—longing for it, studying it, overcompensating for its loss—it makes sense that we would be more intentional in creating it for our own children. And now, there’s biological evidence to back that up.

This study aligns with what I see in my practice all the time: Post-traumatic parents often become incredibly attuned caregivers. We know what it feels like to navigate loss, so we work extra hard to ensure our children feel safe and seen. Far from being inherently deficient, we may actually have epigenetic adaptations that make us more capable of fostering strong attachments. (For more about healing attachment wounds through parenting, click here.)

The Double-Edged Sword of Epigenetic Change

Of course, this isn’t to say that childhood loss is a good thing or that it doesn’t come with challenges. While the study highlights the potential for increased oxytocin and stronger attachment in adulthood, it also confirms what many of us already know: The early years after loss can be profoundly difficult. Many participants in the study exhibited higher attachment avoidance toward their lost parent and, in some cases, toward the remaining caregiver.

This makes sense from an adaptive standpoint. As children, we may have developed avoidant attachment strategies as a survival mechanism—learning not to rely too much on caregivers who might not always be there. But as we grow, and especially as we become parents, our attachment patterns can shift. The study suggests that by adulthood, those who experienced early parental loss often develop lower attachment avoidance overall, meaning they seek and maintain close relationships rather than shutting down emotionally.

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Still, not everyone who loses a parent in childhood will experience these same biological adaptations. This is where environment matters. Epigenetic changes are influenced by both genetics and life experiences, meaning that while we may have a predisposition toward resilience, the way we navigate loss—and the support we receive—plays a critical role in shaping our attachment patterns.

What This Means for Future Research

This study opens up new questions about the intersection of childhood loss, neurobiology, and parenting. It’s one thing to see an epigenetic shift in oxytocin and dopamine activity; it’s another to understand how those shifts play out in real-life parenting dynamics.

Future research could explore:

• How do post-traumatic parents specifically apply their heightened attachment awareness in parenting?
• Could targeted interventions help post-traumatic parents harness their attachment strengths while mitigating potential vulnerabilities?

Rewriting the Narrative

For those of us who are raising children while healing from our own childhood wounds, this study offers something powerful: hope.

Rather than seeing ourselves as inherently broken or less capable, we can reframe our experiences as sources of strength. If our biology has adapted to enhance oxytocin and dopamine function—priming us for connection, creativity, and resilience—then we are not merely surviving our past. We are growing because of it.

Yes, post-traumatic parenting is hard. There will be moments when our own attachment wounds get triggered, when our fear of loss or rejection flares up in ways that make parenting feel overwhelming. But we are not doomed to repeat cycles of disconnection. In fact, we may be uniquely equipped to break them.

So the next time you doubt your ability to provide secure attachment for your child, remind yourself: Your brain has been preparing for this moment your whole life. You are not less capable because of your past. You may be more capable because of it.