What Every Survivor Desperately Wants But Rarely Gets

For many post-traumatic parents, healing is not just about processing past experiences—it’s about overcoming doubt. A recurring struggle I hear from those raised in toxic family systems is the internal debate: Was it really that bad? Am I overreacting? Am I just difficult?

This self-doubt isn’t accidental. It’s often the result of growing up in an environment where the people who inflicted harm also controlled the narrative. In toxic families, reality is fluid—reshaped at will by those in power. Parents, older siblings, or even extended family members like aunts and uncles, who were emotionally abusive or neglectful often become the arbiters of reality, rewriting history whenever it suits them. If a child grows up being told that what they remember “never happened,” or that they are “too sensitive” for feeling hurt, they internalize a deep sense of confusion about what is real.

And this is why many post-traumatic parents might find themselves envying Shari Franke. Not because what happened to her was OK—it wasn’t. Not because her pain is any less than anyone else’s—it isn’t. But because she received something that many survivors of toxic family systems will never have: public, undeniable validation that the people who hurt her were abusive.

The Battle Over Reality in a Narcissistic Family

One of the most difficult aspects of healing from a toxic upbringing is the way it distorts reality. Many post-traumatic parents describe growing up with a set of unwritten family rules:

• “That never happened.”
• “You’re exaggerating.”
• “You’re being dramatic.”
• “You need to let go of the past.”
• "It's water under the bridge."

And if a child does manage to present evidence—if they remind their family of something undeniable—the narrative quickly shifts:

• “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”
• “That was years ago, let it go.”
• “You’re so bitter and unforgiving.”

It’s a cycle of gaslighting, denial, and DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). No matter how clear the facts may seem, the toxic family member will never concede wrongdoing.

And this is where the struggle lies. For many post-traumatic parents, a part of them is still waiting for that moment of recognition, still hoping that one day, the people who hurt them will say: Yes, I did that. Yes, it was wrong. Yes, it hurt you. But that moment never comes.

Shari Franke Never Has to Wonder If She’s Making It Up

For most people raised in toxic families, the pain of the past is often accompanied by self-doubt. They find themselves re-litigating their own history, replaying memories to determine whether they were really that bad. They wonder if they’re being fair, if they’ve exaggerated, if maybe they should just let things go.

But Shari Franke never has to wonder.

Her abusers—Ruby Franke and Jodi Hildebrandt—weren’t just exposed in a private setting. They were publicly convicted and sentenced for their abuse. A judge ruled that what they did was criminal. An entire country saw the evidence and collectively recognized the horror of what she endured. (For more on their sentencing, click here.)

She never has to question whether she is overreacting. She never has to gaslight herself into minimizing her experiences. She never has to fight to prove the truth of what happened.

For many post-traumatic parents, this level of certainty is something they will never have.

Toxic family systems make themselves the arbiters of reality—and that can make recovery difficult.

Source: Yacobchuk/123RF

The Luxury of External Validation

Most survivors of toxic families will never receive this kind of validation. Their abusers will not face a courtroom. There will be no public acknowledgment of their pain. Instead, the same people who inflicted harm will continue to insist that they were good parents, or that their sibling abuse was simply normal sibling rivalry, that their victims are ungrateful, and that the real problem is “holding on to the past.” This can happen in the family of origin, or even in an extended family, where an uncle or aunt was abusive, and the nuclear family did nothing to protect their child/sibling. And then comes the denial—that never happened. It sort of happened, but you're making a big deal. It wouldn't have happened—if you had been a more lovable or easier child... classic DARVO, family history style.

And that leaves the survivor with a heavy burden: the responsibility of holding onto their own truth, even when no one else sees it. Because of course, it did happen. But good luck getting it acknowleged....

That’s what makes Shari Franke’s experience enviable—not that she endured what she did, but that she was given a certainty that so many survivors never receive. She never has to fight for the right to call what happened to her abuse.

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Reclaiming Reality Without a Courtroom

For everyone else, the challenge is different. There may never be a judge to confirm the truth. No police reports. No national outrage. Just a silent, internal process of choosing to believe in one’s own lived experience—even when the people who created that reality refuse to acknowledge it.

So what is the path forward?

Reclaiming reality.

• Stopping the endless search for outside validation.
• Letting go of the idea that an apology will bring closure.
• Refusing to engage in debates about the past with people invested in denying it.
• Trusting that what was felt, what was endured, what was survived—was real.

Most survivors of toxic family systems will never get a courtroom ruling in their favor.

But that doesn’t mean they can’t reclaim their truth.

Owning the Story Without Their Permission

What Shari Franke is doing now—using her voice, telling her story, stepping into her own identity beyond the house she grew up in—is what every survivor of toxic family systems must eventually do. (For more on Shari Franke's incredibly courageous memoir, click here.)

Not because a judge said so.
Not because their abusers admitted anything.
Not because the world believes them.

But because they have decided that they believe themselves.

For those still waiting for an external confirmation of their pain, the hardest but most liberating realization is this:

You don’t need their permission to tell your story.
You don’t need their validation to know it was real.
You don’t need a courtroom to reclaim your truth.