Honestly, Not All Parental Lies Are the Same

I asked friends and colleagues about lies their parents told them growing up. I heard things like:

• If you pee in the pool, the water will turn red.
• If you let go of my hand in the mall, a boogeyman will come and get you.
• The ice cream truck doesn’t let families buy ice cream two days in a row. It’s against the rules.
• Cultural myths like the Tooth Fairy, or personal myths like “the rainbow is a gift for you.”

We know that parenting by lying is a bad idea. Research recently published by the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology points to strong correlations between parenting by lying and maladjustment in adulthood, including externalizing behaviors, internalizing behaviors, and psychopathy. (To read more about that study, click here.)

Of course, we don’t need a research study to tell us that it’s a bad idea to lie to children. Trust is the basic ingredient of attachment, and strong attachment is a predictor of many positive outcomes. Poor attachment in childhood is associated with many negative outcomes. This makes sense – if you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust?

When my oldest child was born, I heard the following story:

The young rabbi brought his baby daughter to meet his mentor, an old, wise sage. The young father wanted to show off his daughter’s walking ability, so he held out a candy. The little girl toddled forward. As she neared the candy, her father stepped back, trying to encourage her to take a few more steps. The sage said to the father “You must not do that. You promised your child a candy when she reached a certain spot. By moving back, you essentially lied to her. Worse, you taught her that her father can’t be trusted. Give her the candy immediately.”

Why Would a Parent Lie?

Research by Heyman and colleagues pointed to several types of common parenting lies, which seem to apply in both individualistic and collectivist cultures.

Instrumental Lies:

• Lies about eating – “You need to finish all your food, or you will get pimples.”
• Lies about abandonment – “If you don’t come with me now, I’ll leave you here.”
• Lies about misbehavior – “If you don’t behave, I will call the police”
• Lies about money – “I left my purse at home; we can come back another day.”

Instrumental lies are an efficient strategy to ensure short-term compliance. The most common instrumental lie, in both the United States and China, was reported to be abandonment – “if you don’t hurry up, I’m leaving without you.” (To read about more effective compliance strategies, click here and here.)

Mood/Myth Based Lies:

• Encouragement lies: “This picture is so beautiful!”
• Cultural characters: “Put your tooth under the pillow, and the tooth fairy will leave a gift.”
• Shared metaphor about challenging experiences: “Your pet is now a star in the sky.”

Cultural myths like the tooth fairy may be different from instrumental lies.

Source: godruma/123RF

In an earlier study, Heyman and her colleagues asked parents about their attitude towards lying. Most parents reported believing that mood or myth-based lies are not harmful to the child. Telling the child about the Tooth Fairy was viewed differently than threatening a child with a boogeyman if he doesn’t brush his teeth.

Who Benefits?

The key distinction may be in the instrumentality of the lie. Instrumental lies appear to only benefit the parent. The lie is meant to manage the child’s behavior, and there are better ways to do that. We also have to take a long-run view of child development. If a child doesn’t eat her carrots, that’s a bit risky. But not trusting her parents is infinitely riskier. Enduring a meltdown in the mall isn’t pleasant, but instilling abandonment fears might have much more far-reaching implications.

By contrast, encouragement-based lies may not be lies so much as they are aspirations. The crayon scribble may not be objectively beautiful, but it is valuable to the mother, nonetheless. A third-grade ballet recital might not be up to the standards of the New York City Ballet, but your own little snowdrop might have been dancing up to her potential. “That was wonderful, honey!” might not be a lie so much as is an expression of encouragement.

Deception Essential Reads

Why We Defend the People Who Con Us

Why Lying Persists Despite the Consequences

We can argue that lying about cultural characters benefits the child more than it does the parent. By allowing a child to enter a world of fantasy and metaphor, the parent is enriching the child’s imagination. Of course, it’s best to own up to the fantasy when confronted about it and to talk about the larger metaphor behind the myth.

My adult daughter reminded me of this story:

When I was five years old, we were driving cross-country. One night, we stopped at a motel, and someone broke into our car, and stole everything. I was devastated about a doll that I had left in the car. I hadn’t really bonded with that doll, but I was worried about her being taken by “robbers.” You told me that you bet the robbers saw the doll and threw her on the side of the road, where a cute little girl found her and adopted her, and now she’s having a happy life with that cute little girl. I used to imagine my doll and her new owner having all sorts of adventures together.

A metaphor or cultural myth seems to be more about helping the child make sense of large experiences than it does about efficiency or ensuring compliance. In general, when thinking about lying to children, it may be wiser to take the long-term effect view.

• Short term compliance vs. long term mistrust?
• An encouraging statement vs. discouragement that can lead to de-motivation?
• An easily digestible metaphor vs. a developmentally inappropriate truth?

Keep the ultimate goal of psychological health in mind, and these decisions become infinitely easier to make.

© Robyn Koslowitz, 2019