Can You Be Addicted to Love?

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The theme “addicted to love” has inspired many songs and stories. Indeed, it is catchy and intriguing. Also, you might have seen stories online and in newspapers about people being "love addicts”. People who identify with “love addiction” often say that they can’t stop dating people or engaging in romantic relationships even if they already have romantic and sexual partners, and some people say that they can’t stop cheating. (Women who keep cheating tend to call themselves “love addicts” while men tend to call themselves “sex addicts".)

The truth is that neither “love addiction” or “sex addiction” is scientifically endorsed as a disorder by any mental health manuals such as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) and the World Health Organisation's ICD-11, which means that people identifying as “love addicts” may be doing so because it is a term they came across doing online searches, or because of what they've been told by an uninformed mental health professional. In reality, though, they might be struggling with something else.

The label “love addiction” is problematic because if people identify as such, they might be encouraged to attend 12-step programmes or seek addiction-oriented therapy, although none of which have evidence to support their effectiveness, and they could in fact be more harmful than helpful.

However, attachment theories, first proposed by John Bowlby in the 1960’s and 70’s, may provide some clarity as to the actual struggles experienced by people who identify with “love addiction”.

Rather than focusing on the behavioural aspects of frequently engaging in romantic and sexual relationships—and attempting to stop those behaviours as though they were an addiction and a disease—it may be more helpful to examine the functions of those behaviours in a person’s relational world. In other words, it is better to be curious about how those behaviours could be meeting an important relational unmet need.

The unmet needs may not be the ones of the adult in the here-and-now. For example, some people who secretly engage in romantic and sexual relationships may be happy with their current partner from their adult perspectives, but there is another need, often a deep-seated one from childhood, that requires soothing in the forms of reaching out for other people romantically and sexually.

Attachment theories are complex, but, to summarise them, there are several attachment styles people can have, often stemming from childhood:

• Secure: A secure person feels comfortable with closeness and independence, trusting others, and handling conflict or emotional needs with openness and balance. In other words, borrowing from the language of Transactional Analysis, it sounds like: “I’m OK, you’re OK”.
• Avoidant: An avoidant person values independence over closeness, feeling uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and often distancing themselves when relationships become too emotionally demanding. They often describe their feelings towards emotional intimacy as “suffocating”. It sounds like “I’m OK, you’re not OK”.
• Anxious: An anxious person has a strong desire for closeness combined with fear of abandonment, leading to heightened sensitivity to rejection and a need for frequent reassurance. It sounds like “I’m not OK, you’re OK”.
• Disorganised: A disorganised person feels a confusing mix of wanting closeness and fearing it, often leading to unpredictable or contradictory behaviours in relationships. It sounds like “I’m not OK, you’re not OK”.

Those attachment styles emerge from how caregivers responded to the emotional needs of the child; through those early experiences, the child learns patterns of relating based on their perception of their self-worth, how secure they feel with others, and how they stand in the world. For example, a child who had one highly critical parent and one emotionally absent parent may learn that they are not worthy of warmth and care (low self-worth), and that relationships with others are often painful, making it difficult to believe that it is OK to just be oneself. They may also believe that the world is a harsh and lonely place. As a result, the child may develop an anxious or an avoidant attachment style.

Looking at how people relate to their romantic and sexual relationships through the lens of attachment theories, rather than addiction narratives, can be enlightening because the thread of relating to others in one person’s life story will become clearer, and the function of the repetitive engagements in romantic and sexual relationships will become obvious within that life story. Once the story is understood, with good emotional awareness, people can begin to see how they have been soothing their relational pain of childhood, and can then change their patterns. The good news is that we can change our attachment style: Examining and healing relational wounds is effective in resolving issues of frequent engagement in romantic and sexual relationships.

Becoming secure, attaining better self-worth, and feeling more comfortable in relationships (not just romantic and sexual relationships) looks different for everyone. It is important not to equate feeling secure with being comfortable with monogamy. Indeed, some secure people enjoy monogamy, but others can feel secure in open relationships, polyamory, or as a single person with multiple lovers. Being secure is feeling that you’re OK with yourself and others are OK too.

Relationships Essential Reads

Why "I Just Need Space" Isn’t About Falling Out of Love

The Science of Flourishing Love

It is not helpful when you berate yourself as a “love addict” or “broken”. Instead, you can ask yourself, "How do I stand on my own two feet, and how do I connect with others?”. This relational exploration is profound because it can lead you to the centre of your heart.