In a Stress-Filled New Year, Proceed With Kindness

Strengthening family connections in trying times is essential. Yet, it can become complicated by the pressures of holiday events, election anxiety, and goals for the new year. Additionally, we may be coping with the loss of a loved one or other significant pressures like the loss of a marriage or job. This can cause great distress, made worse by having to attend various events and family gatherings.

While these difficulties are real, hope is not lost if we take the time to understand ourselves better. Therapists know it is possible to overcome stress and build better familial relationships by using family systems theory alongside self-compassion and compassion for others. This approach helps us better understand our relationships and offers stress management tools. By focusing on kindness to ourselves and others, we can create a supportive environment for everyone during challenging moments.

When applied correctly, family systems theory becomes a valuable tool for therapists and clients, aiding in self-understanding, particularly during stressful situations. By utilizing systems theory, clients can develop a broader sense of compassion for themselves and others. Compassion not only fosters empathy but encourages positivity toward those around us. Ultimately, it helps us manage tension and anxiety.

Regardless of the complexities within your family tree, everyone has triggers that can be activated by family members. Gatherings can cause us to revert to unhealthy behaviors we prefer to avoid. Murray Bowen, a pioneer of family systems theory, aptly notes that families profoundly influence their members' thoughts, feelings, and actions, often making it seem like individuals live under the same "emotional skin." Family members seek each other’s attention, approval, and support while reacting to needs, expectations, and upsets.

Source: AAMFT/Used with permission

Shared emotional history complicates the process of breaking free from established roles and negative patterns learned during childhood, yet it also connects us through shared experiences. So, what does this mean as we approach an already stressful time of year?

One approach is to cultivate self-compassion, which, in turn, allows us to have compassion for others. To do so, we need to understand our role within our family of origin, its influences, and how we contribute to its dynamics.

Engaging in sensitive discussions within family dynamics can often trigger anxiety, leading to hurt feelings and a pervasive sense of injustice that is hard to resolve. If political concerns dominate your thoughts this year, this may heighten the family's reactive tendencies. However, if we can take a step back and view these dynamics through a lens of compassion for ourselves and others, we are more likely to respond with empathy rather than contempt. At a minimum, it can prevent escalating something unlikely to be resolved.

Self-compassion can be a powerful tool in managing anxiety. If used properly, it will lessen the intensity of negative feelings that can come up when we are with our families.

Here are ways it helps:

1. Reducing self-criticism: When feeling anxious, it's common to engage in harsh self-criticism. Practicing self-compassion encourages kindness toward oneself and combats negative self-talk.
2. Normalizing feelings: Self-compassion helps us recognize that anxiety is a common experience. When we understand that others also struggle, we break the isolation that anxiety can create.
3. Encouraging mindfulness: Self-compassion involves being present with our feelings without judgment. Mindfulness helps us acknowledge anxiety without becoming overwhelmed by it.
4. Promoting emotional resilience: We build resilience when we approach our anxiety with compassion. This resilience allows us to face challenges with greater strength and flexibility.
5. Enhancing coping skills: Self-compassion encourages us to explore helpful coping strategies when faced with anxiety. Instead of resorting to avoidance or negative behaviors, we're more likely to engage in healthy behaviors such as seeking support, practicing relaxation techniques, or pursuing activities that bring joy.
6. Fostering a positive mindset: Practicing self-compassion can help shift our perspective from fear and anxiety to hope and possibility.
7. Building healthy relationships: When we practice self-compassion, we're often more compassionate toward others, which can strengthen our relationships and create a supportive network, which is vital during anxious times.

Self-compassion provides a powerful antidote to anxiety's harshness. It allows for a more supportive internal dialogue that fosters healing and growth. By cultivating self-compassion, we can navigate anxious moments with greater ease and grace.

Vanessa Bradden, LMFT, is the founder and director of Lakeview Therapy Group in Chicago, IL.