Healing From Heartbreak

Source: Sergey Cherviakov/Shutterstock

Music platforms now allow us to stream any song with one touch, including those telling a story of love lost. Sad love songs are so relatable because heartbreak is part of the human condition. In 2010 Dr. Helen Fisher and colleagues at Rutgers University demonstrated that experiencing the physical pain of a broken heart “might be caused by the simultaneous hormonal triggering of the sympathetic activation system…and the parasympathetic activation system." This means that “it could be as if the heart’s accelerator and brakes are pushed simultaneously, and those conflicting actions create the sensation of heartbreak.” Since their “results confirmed that social rejection and physical pain are rooted in exactly the same regions of the brain…[a]s far as your brain is concerned, the pain you feel is no different from a stab wound.” It takes time and energy to recover from the vulnerability, sensitivity, and emotionality of heartbreak. As a result, sometimes it’s hard to open yourself up to a new relationship given that you’re now aware relationships come with the potential for such great pain.

Here are 5 tips to help you heal and move on:

1. Allow time to grieve the past relationship.

Some people ignore their grief and rebound straight into a new relationship. This doesn’t allow them the time to process their feelings of loss. The stages of grief as identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her groundbreaking book On Death and Dying reveal important steps for effectively grieving all relationships, not just relationships in which someone has passed. By moving through Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—you have the opportunity to reflect and learn from your experience. Some people rebound and others avoid relationships altogether. By doing so, you remain in the denial phase of the above paradigm. For some, sitting through the discomfort of reflecting on the relationship feels too painful. However, avoiding this discomfort doesn’t set you up to be emotionally available for relationship intimacy in the future.

2. Acknowledge your role in the past relationship to learn how to not relive it.

Give yourself the emotional space and grace to acknowledge what role you had in your past relationship. Did you take the role of caretaker or people pleaser? Did you take the role you had in your family growing up and hesitate to make decisions? Did you become a passive partner in the relationship? There are many ways in which your role in the relationship could have impacted the dynamic. Look at your role, evaluate it, and decide whether you want to play the same role next time or whether you want to make changes so as not to relive the same relationship pattern.

3. Practice vulnerability step by step.

Once you decide you’re ready to start thinking about your next relationship, take baby steps. Try not to jump headfirst into a new partnership. Some people find it easy to bond quickly with a new partner, spending a lot of time with them. Of course, it feels good to have a companion again. However, this doesn’t allow you the opportunity to assess information about your new partner or evaluate how you’re doing with your own issues and whether you’re falling into old patterns. Take it slow. If a relationship is meant to be, it doesn’t need to be rushed. Allow it to evolve slowly and organically.

4. Gather information on whether your new partner is trustworthy.

Think of the beginning of a relationship as an information-gathering stage. Be an investigator. See if the information your new partner is giving you tracks with previous information. Are there any discrepancies? Look for red flags and don’t ignore them. Ask questions. Don’t be afraid. This is the time to determine if this person can be trusted, is honest, and is who they say they are. If you know people in common, ask them some hard questions as well. Try not to fall for the image of a person. Wait to patiently gather information so you’re falling for the actual person, not who you romanticize or want them to be.

5. Avoid making assumptions about your new partner based on your past experiences.

When you struggle with vulnerability or trust issues after a breakup, it’s easy to jump to conclusions thinking your new partner will behave in the same ways as your previous partner. Because of this, our perceptions can be skewed to see certain behaviors, comments, or nonverbal cues as signs. These “signs” or assumptions may not actually be happening. Watch out for them. Instead, communicate with your partner. Tell your partner when something is triggering you from your previous relationship. Ask if you can talk more about it with them. Try to listen openly and carefully to what they are saying so that you are listening to them, not a ghost of the past. The more you communicate transparently as opposed to making assumptions, the more likely you will be able to actually assess your new partner's actions and behaviors.

Both falling in love and out of love are part of the human condition. In order to feel great love, unfortunately, most of us also have to feel great pain and heartbreak. That is the price we pay to love. These five steps will not stop the physical pain in your heart after a breakup, but they may help you hold space for the pain, move through it, learn, heal, and move on to find your next love.