4 Developmental Changes to Expect in Adolescent Behavior

Source: Carl Pickhardt

For most moms and dads, as their child begins the 10- to 12-year coming-of-age passage, the growing transformation we call adolescence (usually beginning around ages 9 to 13), parenting becomes more challenging. While the child was more content to live on parental terms, the adolescent wants to operate more on her or his independent annd individual own. So parents should consider these four common youthful changes in their relationship with their teenager to which, to some degree, they must adjust.

1. There is more distance. Now the teenager is increasingly private at home and socially preoccupied with friends. Separating from childhood and family is what adolescence is meant to do, creating opportunity for more freedom to grow. In response, parents can miss the old closeness that has been lost. Parents must now do more letting go: "We miss how close we used to be!" So, accept more separation and create opportunities for ongoing companionship where you can. "Let's do something fun together!"
2. There is more differentiation. Now the teenager is increasingly drawn to expressing individuality and trying to act older. To grow up, one has to explore and express new variations in experience and expression, daring to experiment with more worldly curiosity and adventure. Now parents must tolerate more diversity. "Her likes differ from our own." So, bridge growing adolescent differences with parental interest. "Teach us about what matters to you now."
3. There is more dissatisfaction. Now the teenager is more discontent with what is required and what is not allowed. Increasingly wanting to live on her or his own terms, she or he can bridle at parental restraints and requirements, more eager to express individuality and assert independence. Now parents must deal with more complaints. "He's more impatient with us now." So, respect adolescent dissatisfaction as restlessness grows while insisting on basic compliance. "This is what we still need from you and why."
4. There is more disagreement. Now the teenager is more determined to defend and assert her or his individual way. As teenagers increasingly want to act as their own governing authority, it can be harder to live on parental terms. Now there are more protests about their requirements, more testing of rules, and more delays in responding to requests. "We quarrel more with our teenager." So, treat arguments as opportunities to improve understanding. "Help us better appreciate your point of view, and you to appreciate ours."

For parents, maintaining their emotional sobriety (not getting frustrated in the face of more adolescent resistance and overreacting in response) can be challenging to do. What can help parents is making some basic attitude adjustments to normal adolescent changes.

4 parental attitude adjustments

1. Understand that your adolescent is usually not out to get you upset. Irritating and unwelcome as more resistant teenage behavior can sometimes be, remember her or his actions are not about you, but about her or him. Unmindful, the more self-centered teenager can be, but calculating to offend, probably not. So don't take adolescent changes personally. "Let's just work together as best we can."
2. Don't treat adolescence as a punishable offense. It is a more oppositional and experimental stage of growth—detaching for more independence and differentiating for more individuality. So, value mistake-based education: helping the young person learn from the errors of her or his ways. "So now you know more than you did before and what not to do again."
3. Accept that adolescence wears some of the old magic out of parenting. No longer as mutually entranced as were parents and child, the more abrasive and risky teenage years take courage on both sides. Anxious parents must dare more letting go, while adventurous teenagers must dare more worldly experience. "We will simply have more times when it is harder to get along."
4. Expect adolescence to create more conflicts of interest. As adolescents push for more freedom as soon as they can get it, parents must restrain that push within the limits of safety and responsibility. Increasing youthful assertion of individuality and independence allows more separation to grow between parent and teen. "Now the challenge is how to stay caring and connected as your growing up grows us more apart."

What to do?

Because adolescence is more complicated to experience and parent than childhood, I believe parents can help by:

• Honoring the losses and encouraging the gains as their adolescent grows older.
• Working with the changes that increasing individuality and independence bring.
• Using disagreements to foster communication and increase understanding.
• Letting go of more control as the teenager shows more responsibility.
• Enjoying the coming-of-age passage and admiring the courage it takes.