Adolescence and Unfairness

Unfairness is a hot button issue in adolescence, and it can ignite conflict in multiple ways.

Of course, part of separating from childhood into adolescence in late elementary or early middle school is becoming more impatient with parental authority and the regulations that come with it. In the outraged words of one sixth grader, “What right do you have to tell me what I can’t and have to do? You’re not the boss of the world!” What the child was content or at least resigned to accept, the adolescent contests — partly to show he is no longer just a docile and compliant child, partly to push for more freedom of independence to grow, and partly to protest a system of family governance that feels patently unfair.

In the spirit of awakening independence, he wants to live in a more democratically run family system where each member has an equal say and vote on what needs to happen and how things are done. However, to his discontent, he encounters an authoritarian regime in which parents are in charge because, he is told, they bear child raising responsibility and he depends on their care. Un-persuaded, however, the young adolescent challenges this right of autocratic parental rule by raising what sometimes sound like ‘constitutional’ issues.

For example, where must individual choice give way to the common, family good? (“Why can’t I go out with friends instead of being bored at home?”) What are the limits of freedom of speech? (“Why can’t I use the same words with you that I use with friends?”) What constitutes personal property? (“Why can’t I use my money to buy whatever I want?”) What is the right to privacy? (“Why can’t I keep you out of my room?”) What are the limits of governing authority? (“Why do you get to decide what I do on the Internet?”) What is cruel and unusual punishment? (“Why is it okay for you to take away what matters most to me just because I did something wrong?”) In adolescent eyes, the local “government” of parents can be unfair in fundamental ways.

Presiding over the court of family affairs, parents must make decisions that are increasingly challenged by their adolescent over issues about what is equitable, fair, and right. And their rulings, particularly about what they believe is in the best interests of the teenager when it is against what she wants, are usually not popular. “You didn’t listen to what I say!” “You never let me do anything!” “You’re so unfair!” When it comes to family functioning during adolescence, the rule-makers are more frequently resented by the ruled.

However, if they so choose, parents can explain their job, not to change their teenager’s opinion, but simply to describe the hard work they are about. For example, one explanation might sound like this. “We are supposed to provide for you, protect you, and prepare you for managing your own life when you finally leave our care. We don’t expect your constant approval, agreement, or gratitude, just the willingness to go along with what we believe is for the best, even when you may believe we are in the wrong. Of course, we are always committed to listen to what you have to say, even when we won’t always do what you want. Because this can be hard on you, it can also be hard on us. Just as we know that you will consider some of our decisions unfair, please know that we take our job seriously and try to do what’s right.”

Still, charges of unfairness do abide whether in an only child family, or in families with more than one. In both cases, double standards have a lot to answer for. Start with the adolescent only child. From an early age, this young person learns to act adult-like, becoming verbally and socially precocious from associating with adult companions with at home. Because she is treated as older by parents who often allow equal inclusion and equal say, violation of this equal standing can invoke a double standard when parents forbid the only child what they allow themselves. Objects the teenager: “How come you get to go and I have to stay at home? I’m as much a part of ‘us’ as you are! I should be able to come along. That’s not fair!”

Or consider what can happen with multiple children when parents run into another common double standard. Here a 15-year-old and a 17-year-old are arguing with parents about the justice of the older having a later curfew than the younger. Says the younger: “Since were both your children and we’re both teenagers you should give us the same curfew, that’s only fair.” And the parent partly agrees with this argument because fairness does mean treating people equally the same. But then the elder chimes in. “Since I’m two years older, that difference should be respected and I should have a later time. That's only fair.” And the parent partly agrees with this argument because fairness does mean treating people according to significant variation between them.

Thus the double bind of fairness is created — having to treat children the same as each other and differently from each other at the same time. They are called upon to meet an impossible double standard. This is why, when it comes to being fair with multiple children, parents often can’t win for losing. In addition, teenagers become more prone to keeping books on a parent by keeping track how much is given, and given in to, with the other siblings compared to them. Where significant inequality is identified, favoritism (that most painful unfairness in the family) can be charged, and sibling rivalry intensified.

Probably the best parents can strive for is to be equally unfair by spreading it equally around. This way, if you have more than one teenager, they can agree on this: “Our parents are just unfair!” However, in their defense parents can honorably declare: “The best we can try to do is treat each of you as equally valued members of this family and each of you according to your individual differences and special needs.”

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Then parents have their own issues of unfairness with the adolescent. There are inequities of contribution. “We are always doing for you and you are never doing for us!” There are betrayals. “You lied to us when we trusted you!” There are contractual violations that strike parents as unjust. “You didn’t keep your agreement!” To allow unfair conditions to persist without trying to correct them can make for angry parenting. So they need to have the adolescent do for them in equitable exchange for doing for her. They need to hold the young person to honest account. And they need to monitor their son or daughter to make sure promises and commitments are fairly kept.

Of course, not all issues of unfairness are confined to parent and adolescent. Consider ‘fair share’ issues that can arise between parents during the teenage years. In counseling, I hear four common kinds of complaints. First is: “This parenting relationship is all you!” Here one parent feels it’s unfair that the other parent gets to make most of the popular decisions, like being the provider of money for the teenager, and the complainer is cut out. Second is: “This parenting relationship is all me!” Here one parent feels it’s unfair that responsibility for most unpopular parenting work like supervision falls to them and the other parent is an insufficient contributor. Third is: “This parenting relationship is all us!” Here one parent feels it’s unfair that they have to discuss every parenting decision together like whatever is bought for a teenager, and there is no individual freedom to parent independently. Fourth is: “There is no ‘us’ in this parenting relationship!” Here one parent feels it is unfair that they parent unilaterally, like permitting different degrees of freedom, so there is no consistency and agreement in the parenting they give.

In all four cases, the parental decision making can feel inequitable, unworkable, and unfair. Whenever any one of these complaints about sharing the parenting load is expressed by one parent the other parent should attend and a mutually acceptable accommodation should be found because the marital partnership is at risk. When they become estranged or conflicted as parents, they can become estranged or conflicted as partners, and it is upon a working adult union that the welfare of the family depends. This is why one rule of parenthood is never to let issues about their children and adolescents become divisive of the marriage.

Come the trying years of parenting adolescents, issues of unfairness become more common sources of family conflict. It helps to distinguish between issues of unfairness that can be changed, and issues of unfairness that are simply built in and must be accepted.

For more information about adolescence and the issue of unfairness, see my book about family conflict, Stop the Screaming. More information at: www.carlpickhardt.com. I welcome reader questions and suggested topics for future blogs.

Next week’s entry: Aspects of Adolescent Boredom