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Adolescence
WHY "Grown" Kids Boomerang Back Home to Stay
Eleven crises in independence that drive kids to boomerang home
Posted August 1, 2011
This is a companion piece for the 6/11/11 blog: WHEN "grown" kids boomerang back home to stay.
When young people move away from family to live more on their own, onto a job and into an apartment or off to college, the last and hardest stage of adolescence, what I call "trial independence"(ages 18 - 23), begins.
Why is it hardest? The reason is this: the only way to learn true independence is to actually try it, and most last stage adolescents discover they have yet to master all the knowledge and skills they need to establish responsible self-reliance. They still have much to learn about grown up functioning in the world, and trial independence is the time to do it. Now, inexperienced and away from parents, instruction from effort, error, and recovery is how much of this education must be accomplished.
Counseling with families where a last stage adolescent boomerangs back to stay with parents for a while, I realized that all these unexpected returns were not the same. There are in fact multiple causes for moving back, each one connected to a challenge of trying to live independently for the first time.
Here is a short list of eleven common challenges that I have seen arise in this final stage of adolescence that, when come to crisis, can cause a young person to boomerang back home to recover. After each description is a statement of the strength that successfully coping with each crisis can confer.
1. THE CHALLENGE OF LIVING APART FROM FAMILY. There can be insecurity from separation, there can be loneliness from feeling disconnected, and there can be homesickness from missing loved ones and old friends so far away. Coping with this challenge can teach the capacity to live at a distance from family while still staying in touch, and to develop an independent social network of one's own.
2. THE CHALLENGE OF MORE RANGE OF CHOICE. There can be indulging newfound freedom without considering consequence, there can be flouting social rules and laws as if they don't apply, and there can be incapacity to organize and manage increased decision-making so that life is lived chaotically. Coping with this challenge can teach that freedom isn't free because all choice is linked to consequence for which one has to take responsibility, and order must be established.
3. THE CHALLENGE OF FINDING AND KEEPING EMPLOYMENT. There can be loss of esteem from losing a job, there can be anxiety at how tenuous employment is, and there can be fear of rejection when it comes to applying for a job. Coping with this challenge can teach that there is no job security and that it can take a lot of work to find work.
4. THE CHALLENGE OF FURTHER EDUCATION. There can be inadequate high school preparation for college, there can be insufficient motivation and commitment to make one attend class and study, and there can be a high likelihood of flunking out. Coping with this challenge can teach that it is easier to get into college than to complete it, and that self-discipline to do the work is required to graduate.
5. THE CHALLENGE OF LIVING WITH ROOMMATES. There can be a lack of competence for managing cooperation, there can be unwillingness to tolerate incompatibility, and there can be deficient communication skills for resolving conflict in a shared live-in relationship not experienced before. Coping with this challenge can teach skills in managing a domestic partnership that can provide valuable preparation for a significant relationship later on.
6. THE CHALLENGE OF FINDING AND LOSING LOVE. There can be coping with the romantic intensity of first love, there can be significant emotional hurt should a break up occur, there can be feelings of distrust and rejection in the wake of love that was lost. Coping with this challenge can teach how love is challenging and risky, is not guaranteed to last forever, and that a broken heart can be mended.
7. THE CHALLENGE OF LIVING IN A DRUG-FILLED WORLD. There can be the desire to self-medicate painful feelings or enhance pleasure through substance use, there can be pressure of party socializing that is fueled by drinking or other drugging, there can be a substance induced sense of freedom that momentarily lessens sober caring about what one says or does. Coping with this challenge can teach moderating alcohol and other drugs meant to induce good feelings so that use does not cause bad decisions, at worst creating a reliance that is hard to break.
8. THE CHALLENGE OF INDEBTEDNESS. There is the difficulty of getting by on limited funds, there is the temptation to treat credit cards as free money since payment is deferred, there is the pressure to overspend to keep up with more freely spending friends. Coping with this challenge can teach the work it takes to repay what is owed and the importance of living within one's means.
9. THE CHALLENGE OF STRESS. There is difficulty adjusting to the increased responsibilities that come with more independence and less parental support, there is the continual pressure of over demand, there is the lack of adequate self-care. Coping with this challenge can teach how to moderate demand, physically maintain oneself, and keep the pressure down.
10. THE CHALLENGE OF EMOTIONAL DISTURBANCE. There is unhappiness from hardship and adversity that can take emotional hold, there is negative feeling that can overwhelm positive thinking, there is hurt feeling that can diminish healthy functioning. Coping with this challenge can teach how to recover from intense unhappiness and to develop strategies for maintaining a sense of emotional wellness.
11. THERE IS THE CHALLENGE OF FUTURE SHOCK. There is fear of the future and facing what to do with one's life, there is feeling diminished by the daunting demands of adult responsibility, there is lowered confidence in the capacity to make one's way. Coping with this challenge can teach pride in having what it takes to brave the unknown and chart and chance one's course through life.
Trial independence is a "trial" in two ways - "trial" as an attempt and "trial" as an ordeal because no young person grows through this refiner's fire of a time entirely unscathed. When one of more life challenges comes to crisis and the last stage adolescent boomerangs home, parents can be there to help them recover, ready preparations, and step off to try independence again.
For more about parenting adolescents, see my book, "SURVIVING YOUR CHILD'S ADOLESCENCE" (Wiley, 2013.) Information at: www.carlpickhardt.com
Next week's entry: How communication becomes confusing during adolescence
