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It's a practice of parenting that's worth considering when your children enter adolescence: bridging differences with interest. Think of it this way. Two kinds of differences in the relationship between parent and child increase when adolescence begins - differences in individuality and differences of disagreement.
Differences in individuality increase as the young person begins to explore and experiment with new expressions of personal definition and identity. The adolescent does this in order to discover the unique individual they will become in contrast to the child they were and the way parents are. Differences from disagreement increase as the young person engages in more opposition and conflict with parents. The adolescent does this in order to live on more independent terms within the family and to claim more control over their own life.
Parents who are intolerant of unfamiliar differences ("Turn off that noise you call music!") and who allow no differences of opinion ("Don't you talk back to me!") assert authority to their cost. Now significant human differences, instead of becoming a bridge to more understanding, become a barrier to communication.
So consider this parenting question. Are you going to treat normal differences between you and your teenager as a source of divisiveness that set you further apart or as a source of richness that bring you more closely together?
For example, suppose the parents quoted above had responded differently to their respective teenagers? Suppose instead of objecting to the music the disapproving parent had said: "Your music is really different from what I am used to; could you tell me what you like about it and help me appreciate it too?" Suppose instead of forbidding disagreement, the offended parent had said: "We really see things differently; could you help me better understand your point of view?" Now instead of closing down communication, they open communication up.
At issue is whether a parent treats the adolescent, whose experimental tastes are changing, as an offender or as an instructor. At issue is whether a parent treats an adolescent, who engages in more family conflict, as an opponent or an informant. A parent doesn't have to like an adolescent's changing tastes (in dress or entertainment, for example) to be interested in learning what they are about for the teenager and what appeal they hold. A parent doesn't have to agree with the adolescent's point of view in their more frequent conflict (over schoolwork or social freedom, for example) to be interested in understanding what and why it is. The valuable parent skill is turning differences into talking points.
Frequently parents will complain about how argumentative their adolescent has become, and I always ask "why?" After all, argument is interaction, information is being offered, and communication is going on. Would they rather live with an unknowable, silent, withdrawn teenager who refuses to talk at all?
Or parents will complain about the worthless activities and tasteless fads and wasted time the adolescent spends his or her life on. Would they rather live with a teenager who never outgrew childhood preoccupations or had no older activities of interest or was totally out of step with the changing adolescent world?
Perhaps most important, there is a huge life lesson that parents can teach their adolescent regarding the management of differences - whether arising from contrasting individuality or from contentious opposition - in relationships. It has to do with learning the art of intimacy, an education that will serve young people well in the conduct of their caring relationships later on.
There are two paths to intimacy in human relationships - the easy and the hard. The easy path is sharing similarities, what the couple has in common, what they do and share together. Having a lot in common is definitely important in their enjoyment of each other's company. The hard path is respecting and resolving differences in human nature and in personal wants, which is where various levels of incompatibility and conflict come into play.
"The pillars of the temple stand apart" we have been told, correctly I believe. It takes sufficient distance between parties to support a union, distance that is created by respecting and resolving issues of diversity. People in a relationship who, in pride, say they never disagree, actually only have half an intimacy because they suppress or avoid confronting the reality of human differences between them.
So if a parent can teach the adolescent how to bridge differences between them with interest, how to turn differences in individuality and in disagreement into informative talking points, this will well prepare the young person for healthy adult intimacy to come.
For more about parenting adolescents, see my book, "SURVIVING YOUR CHILD'S ADOLESCENCE" (Wiley, 2013.) Information at: www.carlpickhardt.com
Next week's entry: Adolescence and the final battle for independence.
