Is Your Relationship Cluttered?

Andrew collects magazines. That's the only word for it, says his wife, Michelle. He doesn't read them, he just collects them. They are piled high on his night table and the stack grows taller every month. When Michelle asks her husband why he doesn't read them, he says that he doesn't have time but he'll get around to it eventually. So when she can't stand the unruly stack of magazines any longer, Michelle resorts to secretly "purging" them. Every month she throws away a few magazines from the bottom of the pile. Andrew doesn't seem to notice since new ones take their place on top of the stack.

A recent Wall Street Journal article on clutter and "purging" reports that clutter often pushes couples to extremes. One husband has secretly been tossing his wife's socks into the trash for years. He buries the socks under the garbage so she won't find them. The socks were a gift from his wife's mother and they are not even his wife's size. She never wears them but still keeps them. After all, she argues, they were a gift from her mother and she couldn't possibly donate them or give them away because of the sentimental value.

Another husband, Jonathan, says he is driven to distraction by his wife’s clutter, which has taken over their bedroom, their garage, and even their family room. His wife, Alex, spends hours every evening shopping online or in stores. She loves the textures and colors of fabrics and sees no problem with buying clothes she doesn’t need and often never wears. Sometimes she buys dresses or blouses that she already has because she likes them so much. Alex has a good job and earns the money she spends so she sees no problem with her shopping. Jonathan threatens to throw out or donate some of her duplicates but Alex says she’ll just buy more. Jonathan was so upset by the creeping clutter that a few months ago he moved into their spare bedroom.

There are many reasons that people clutter. Cluttering may be a personal habit or it may be passive aggressive behavior as I argued in a previous post. When people have difficulty expressing anger at their partner directly, they might act out their anger by cluttering. It may be a way of taking up space and being visible if one partner feels they have no voice in a relationship. Sometimes cluttering is simply a response to the stress of life, when we simply don't have time to put things in their proper place or throw out unwanted items. Sentimental items are difficult to let go of because they remind a person of a loved one who is no longer with them. Cluttering can also become a compulsion; the twelve-step program Clutters Anonymous is thriving.

In a Wall Street Journal podcast, reporter Dalvin Brown depicted cluttering through the broader lens of a tech-savvy society. Cluttering has reached crisis proportions, he argues, in part because online shopping has made acquisition so much easier: A few taps on the computer or phone and the item is delivered to your door. However, the disposal of things we don't want to keep requires time and physical and emotional labor, so the items end up as clutter.

Duplicating things we already own (like Alex does in the above example) is another issue. Brown quotes a recent survey finding that 71% of Americans buy things that they already own because they can't find the thing they previously bought. Once a person decides to give up their unused clutter, getting rid of it is made somewhat simpler by Facebook Marketplace and other online outlets. Most professionals agree, though, that the better solution is to try to prevent accumulation in the first place. The "five-year rule" often helps: If you haven't used an item or worn an item of clothing for five years, then it's time for it to go.