Chuck and Emma, an attractive young couple in their thirties, sat as far away from each other that they could in my small office. Chuck sat on the sofa while Emma chose to sit across the room in a comfortable armchair.
Their choice of seating reflected that they were far from each other about the issue for which they had come to consult me. They constantly arguing, Emma told me, mostly because Chuck’s three year-old son from a previous marriage was out of control. “Josh runs the show,” Emma said. “It’s really frustrating that Chuck always lets him get his way. Josh goes to bed at 10 at night and doesn’t get enough sleep. Then he’s cranky and irritable the next day. Chuck gives him candy which makes him really hyper. And that makes it really difficult for me to say “no” to Josh because I don’t want to be the bad parent all the time.”
I looked at Chuck. “It’s true,” he said. “I find it difficult to say ‘no’ to Josh. I guess I have ‘guilty parent syndrome’ because of the divorce. My parents divorced when I was thirteen, and I promised myself that I would never do that to a child of mine. And then I did.”
“So you compensate by giving Josh whatever he wants?” I asked.
“Pretty much,” Josh said guiltily.
I gently explained to Chuck that rules and structure were as essential to normal child development as giving a child happy experiences. Rules and consistent consequences, along with a predictable structure to their day, make children feel secure. And both parents should be on the same page as much as possible about the rules and consequences. Of course, I am talking about caring parents like Chuck and Emma who have good intentions and do not hit their children, not about parents who are in any way abusive toward their children.
“Discipline,” I explained to Chuck, “doesn’t mean punishment. The word “discipline” comes from the same Latin root as the word “disciple.” It means “education.” To discipline a child is to educate him in good manners and good behavior.”
In course of the session, Chuck realized that he had wanted to be a friend to his son and not an authority figure. This was especially frustrating to Emma because she was a stay-at-home mom for Josh and their one year-old daughter. “I don’t want our daughter to be out of control when she hits the terrible twos,” Emma said. “But if we don’t reign Josh in now, that’s what will happen. And Chuck gets angry with me if I try to give Josh time-outs or say “no” to him. I don’t get any support or help when I try to give Josh a consequence for misbehaving.”
We spent the rest of the session discussing rules for Josh. I explained the “count to three” technique to them—a technique that works wonders if both parents are consistent about enforcing consequences like time outs or loss of a privilege. After initially testing whether the parent actually follows through with a consequence when they get to the “count of three” and finding that the parent means what she says, kids generally shape up. Of course, parents should explain to the child in advance that they are going to start using the “count to three” method and what the consequences will for misbehavior.
The issue of step-parenting and discipline is not unique to Chuck and Emma. With one in four families being a blended family involving step-parents, it is a heated topic that frequently comes up in therapy sessions. I have seen marriages break up on the shoals of this tricky issue, when one parent gets frustrated about the other parent wanting to be the “fun” parent all the time and not being consistent about setting firm limits. This attitude interferes with the step-parent's ability to discipline her own children.
However, parenting experts agree that both parents need to be firmly in charge in blended families. Psychologist and step-parenting expert Dr. Patricia Papernow of Harvard Medical School believes that “authoritative parenting” is best for children on every measure imaginable, including through a difficult transition like becoming a step-family. Authoritative parenting is both loving and firm.”
Chuck and Emma came back two weeks later and reported that the “count to three” method was working well with Josh. After some resistance, he was now getting to bed by 8 o’clock. Emma said that Chuck was getting better at setting limits, which allowed her to be the “fun” parent with Josh some of the time. Best of all, Emma and Chuck were not arguing and their household was much calmer.
Copyright © Marilyn Wedge Ph.D.
Marilyn Wedge, Ph.D. is a family therapist with 27 years of experience and the author of A Disease called Childhood: Why ADHD became an American Epidemic.
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