Rediscovering our Natural Self-Control

A few weeks ago, my three-year-old son was playing with a pill crusher. I asked him to stop. He didn’t. So I took it away and placed it on my desk.

That night, during bedtime, we were in my room when he spotted it again. He picked it up, looked at me, and said: “Mommy, put this somewhere high so I can’t reach it and won’t play with it.”

At three years old, my son had done something my research shows that adults fail to do enough: he set up his environment to help himself succeed.

This small moment shifted how I think about the psychology of self-control. Maybe we’re born understanding that changing our environment is the smart way to reach our goals — and it’s something we unlearn over time.

In psychology, we call this kind of tactic a situational self-control strategy. Instead of relying on willpower in the moment — like resisting a cookie that’s sitting on your desk — you change the situation so you’re not tempted in the first place (by putting the cookie out of sight or not bringing it home at all). These strategies include things like blocking distracting apps when you’re trying to work, automating savings to avoid impulsive spending, or removing junk food from your kitchen to eat healthier.

The evidence is clear: these external strategies work better than trying to rely on internal willpower alone. But surprisingly, most people still lean on, or think they should be relying on, sheer self-discipline to meet their goals — even when more effective tools are right in front of them.

Source: OpenAI

In my own research, I have preliminary evidence suggesting that people are less likely to use these external strategies when they’ve been taught to believe in the power of willpower. And they often judge others — and themselves — for using “crutches” like precommitment tools or environmental tweaks, even though they improve outcomes. It’s as if we’ve been trained to see struggle as a virtue, and success without suffering as less meaningful.

But what if this reliance on internal willpower isn’t natural? What if it’s something we’ve been taught and we have it all wrong?

There’s research suggesting that cultural values — like the Protestant work ethic — shape how we think about self-reliance - and even how much we value and prefer “naturalness.” There’s a whole body of literature about how people prefer “naturals” (people innately talented) to “strivers” who have to work hard. This mistaken belief in the naturalness of willpower may lie at the heart of why people are so resistant to situational strategies.

We’ve absorbed the idea that true self-control means gritting our teeth and pushing through — and that anything else is cheating.

But maybe it's the opposite. Maybe what's truly natural isn't relying on willpower, but designing our lives to make good choices easier. My son wasn’t taking a shortcut — he was being wise. Decades ago, psychologist Walter Mischel conducted a famous study in which preschoolers were given a choice: eat one marshmallow now, or wait and get two later. The study became a cornerstone in self-control research. But what’s often overlooked is how the kids managed to wait. Many of them spontaneously covered their eyes, turned around, or even hid the marshmallow — clever strategies to make resisting easier. Like my son, they weren’t just gritting their teeth; they were changing their environment to help themselves succeed. Without being taught, they understood something we often forget: self-control doesn’t have to mean suffering. Sometimes, it just means setting the stage for success.

So perhaps we need to stop glorifying willpower, and start reconnecting with the intuitive, environment-shaping strategies that come naturally to us — before we were taught otherwise.

By stepping away from the myth of willpower, we may find ourselves stepping back into something more natural — and more effective.