Are You an Emotionally Intelligent Couple?
40 questions to address to find out.
Posted April 30, 2020 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Linda: To establish a great relationship requires emotional intelligence. Daniel Goleman, in his brilliant book Emotional Intelligence, tells us what is required to be an emotionally intelligent person.
Emotional intelligence is not fixed, and our quotients can change. We can learn to handle relationships smoothly and enjoy them thoroughly, but there are requirements. The following are a series of questions to address first as individuals, and then to take on as a second thorough inventory with our partner.
- Are you strong in self-awareness, the non-reactive non-judgmental attention to your inner states?
- Do your passions overwhelm your reason?
- Do you live in your head, excessively pressing your emotions down to the point that your emotions are muted and dull?
- Do you have motivation, zeal, passion, and ambition?
- Do you take on the discussion of the challenges of your relationship or do you avoid them?
- Do you feel that you have good communication with your partner?
- Do you listen well or do you avoid communication, make assumptions, jump to conclusions, and interrupt?
- Do you have good self-control, or are you impulsive and aggressive, finding that you regret what you have said or done?
- Do you insist on being right and having your way, or are you able to cooperate well?
- Do you have good conflict management skills?
- Are you careful not to issue harsh criticism?
- Are you strong in repair after damage to the relationship has occurred?
- Do you indulge yourself in showing contempt or lack of respect, name-calling, mocking insults, domination, intimidation, threats, ultimatums, character assassination, sarcasm or silence?
- Are you accomplished at calming your own anger, which is stimulated by negative thoughts about your partner?
- Are you strong in tolerance to accept the ways your partner is not like you?
- Are you strong in apologizing when you know you are in the wrong?
- Do you share power well and cooperate with your partner?
- Are you forgiving of self and others when violations occur?
- Have you put more time and effort into developing your professional skills than you have developing your people skills?
- Are you strong in empathy and caring and adept in reading both verbal and non-verbal signals?
- How well do you read and effectively deal with the feelings of others? How good are you at calming your own anxiety?
- Do you look for the opportunity in adversity?
- Is your use of substances (alcohol or drugs) or behavior (eating, gambling, sex) across the line for social use to problem use?
- Are you strong in generosity and altruism?
- What are your signature strengths? Which character traits need to be strengthened?
- Do you procrastinate?
- Are you a worrier? If so, are you deliberately training your mind away from worry?
- Are you a pessimist? If so, are you deliberately training your mind to be more optimistic?
- Are you lonely or do you feel connected to family and friends?
- Are you depressed or spirited?
- Are you able to delay gratification in pursuit of your goals?
- Are you generally in a good mood so that you can think flexibly and cooperate to find solutions to problems?
- Is your thinking generally positive and hopeful about accomplishing your life goals?
- Do you see yourself as being flexible?
- Do you see yourself as confident to meet life’s challenges as they present themselves?
- Do you consider yourself to be adept at making strong connections and bonds with your partner or do you feel that you are living parallel lives?
- Are you generous of spirit with your partner giving compliments, validation, attention, and recognition?
- Do you enjoy a network of support comprised of family and friends so that you don’t lean on your partner too heavily?
- Are you a compassionate, understanding, and loving person to yourself and your partner?
- Do you live with an attitude of gratitude?
If we want to derive the greatest possible satisfaction from our romantic partnership, we can get to work to bring up our emotional intelligence quotient. If we are committed to having an open, frank discussion with the intention of exposing the work that we need to do to become a more emotionally intelligent person, our partner will assist us in that process. It is by listening carefully to those who know us best and care for us the most where we can learn a great deal about how to grow into who we can be, and thereby truly enjoy a great, loving relationship.