CES 2015: People Don't Need People -- They Need Gadgets

This year I got two tickets to go to the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas. Right before we were to leave, my partner and I have a fight:

“You’re shut down! What! I’m supposed to read your mind?”

So… I end up going alone, wondering if there are any gadgets to help relationships. Entering the massive convention center, the first gadget I see gives me hope. It’s a brain-sensing headband. The exhibitor explains how it works:

“So everybody’s brain gives off very faint, electronic signals, and this headband can sense those electronic signals.”

I’m thinking, “Wow! This could fix, ‘But, I THOUGHT you said…’” So I ask her if I can use it to explore someone else’s brain. And she says:

“No! It’s just for solo use.”

Looking up, a sign for wireless chargers says it all - “Break free of your attachments!” There were thousands of devices to help charge phones but nothing to recharge relationships.I was at a “Selfie” convention -- literally. The theme of CES is – people don’t need people, they need gadgets, or to be precise – Drones that do selfies.

The Drone exhibit says, “Taking your Selfies to new heights.” Well… maybe being photographed from outer space will be slenderizing.

In the health and fitness aisle, I find that I no longer need my loved one to remind me to take my meds. My smart watch can tell me it’s time for Lipitor or Lithium. It will also keep track of my blood pressure, glucose level, heartbeat and temperature. And that’s not all. It will say, “I noticed that your sleep has tapered off over the last week, are we okay?”

It doesn’t stop there. In the 3D printing aisle, you can do a 360 scan of your body and print out an exact 3D replica of yourself so you don’t need a trusted friend to let you know if your ass looks fat.

Aisle after aisle, I saw that technology is replacing people. Ladies, you won’t need to schlep your husband to Lowe’s. The Toronto store has a robot who will figure out what you need and then says, “Follow me.” More good news, going behind the robot, you won’t have to look at some guy’s butt crack.

Gadget after gadget shows me I need fewer and fewer people in my life. Goodbye golf teacher -- hello electronic training golf clubs. Hasta la vista yoga teacher -- there’s a smart mat to tell me that my downward dog is too upward.

But, it’s not just lovers who are being replaced. Parents are less essential too. A wifi enable rubber ducky can take over the tedious task of reading to their children. I might have done better being raised by Edwin the Duck than my mother, but that’s another story. I have to imagine there’s another aisle where someone like Edwin arranges happy hours for the parents who now have too much time on their hands.

After my Fitbit registered that I’d walked 7 miles in the Las Vegas convention center, I finally found the kind of device I’m looking for – A wifi smart vibrator from OhMiBod controlled via your partner’s smart watch from anywhere in the world.

As co-founder Suki Dunham says, “So my husband … he’s got the watch on and his heart rate is driving my vibrator.”

I’m thinking that would be weird if your partner is having a heart attack and you’re thinking, “Please don’t stop!”

I’m not about to replace my partner with a gadget until there’s a gadget that can make me laugh. Wait! I just got an idea! Coming to CES 2016 – “Laugh at That!” Available for all platforms.

Check out other sites of my CES coverage!

Listen to the story on NPR's "All Things Considered"

Video coverage on YouTube

Photos of CES2015 on my Facebook