How to Turn Off Manipulation

Recent research has analyzed the benefits of manipulation in hopes of teasing out the differences between “harmless” manipulation and “harmful” manipulation. Most social interactions involve some form of influence on others, such as sharing contrasting opinions to expand perspectives or inspiring others to achieve their goals. But when that influence turns into manipulating others for personal gain, it can destroy relationships and cause mental health issues for its targets.

Power and Control Are Key

Individuals exposed to chronic psychological manipulation can fall prey to a host of issues: anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder, impaired self-esteem, and more. That type of manipulation should be distinguished from less harmful forms; chronic psychological manipulation always revolves around power and control.

Asserting power and control in interpersonal relationships is unhealthy and harmful to others. Chronic manipulators want to control the narrative, particularly the way they are viewed by others and how they get what they want. That equals patterns of abusive behaviors: disregarding others’ emotions and needs, taking advantage of others’ trust, dishonesty, and viewing relationships as a means to an end.

4 Strategies to Stop Manipulation

To protect yourself, recognize the first signs of a manipulative relationship, as many victims do not understand what they’re being exposed to until it’s too late. Once you recognize manipulation is happening to you, there are several ways you can turn it off in those relationships:

1. Set boundaries immediately—and stick to them. If you are being manipulated by someone, don’t sweep it under the rug. Confront it in a respectful tone and immediately set boundaries. That can look like a brief conversation where you explain what you’re seeing and identify that you will not engage in a relationship that could cause you harm.

Because manipulators detest boundaries and see them as a challenge, it’s vital that you clearly state your limits and stick to them, no matter what. Whether it’s not tolerating dishonesty, refusing to be called names, expecting the other person to take accountability for their choices, or a different boundary, you must verbalize that and never waver. One moment of giving in and allowing a manipulator to cross your boundary will teach them that they can continue that behavior for greater gains.

2. Use scripts in communication. Manipulators love to argue. They like to make you talk in circles, revisit the same discussions over and over, and pretend as if they have never heard your feelings on a subject. Those tactics help them chip away at your armor, looking for a weak spot they can attack to gain ground and get their way after you have already refused them.

To shut down useless conversations that only give manipulators more ammunition to use against you, develop some easy scripts and use those without fail every time a manipulator tries to engage you in a discussion you’ve already had. Scripts can be as simple as “I have already told you why I don’t want to do that, and I am not discussing it again.” You will likely have to repeat yourself several times, but if you stick to it, manipulators will eventually become frustrated and stop trying to engage you in those same, tired discussions.

3. Be cautious about who you trust. Though it may feel like an obvious strategy, you should never trust a manipulator. That seems easy on the surface, but there are situations where it can become challenging, particularly when they “look” like they are truly sorry or they try to bring their emotions into play. The important thing to recognize is that chronic manipulators only use emotions to control the situation and get what they want from someone else. If they have genuine remorse about their behaviors, that remorse will stick even when they don’t get what they want. If the remorse disappears when they don’t get their way, it’s a sure sign you’re dealing with a manipulator.

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To avoid getting re-injured by someone who has proven they are only using you, dole out your trust in tiny increments. You can interact with someone without trusting them; you just need to guard your vulnerabilities until you see solid evidence that your trust is not misplaced. If you sense you’re being taken advantage of, don’t open up—keep your communication on a superficial level to avoid being hurt.

4. Move on as soon as you can. You simply cannot have a healthy relationship with a chronic manipulator. You will end up hurt and used. There is no way to escape it with someone who shows no remorse and continues engaging in the behaviors that are harming their relationships.

Not all victims can leave manipulative relationships immediately, but if you are able to, get out of them as soon as possible. Don’t reconnect, don’t stay friends, and don’t engage in unnecessary conversations. Chronic manipulators will only be looking for a way to trap you once again, and your time is better spent repairing your self-worth and moving on to healthier relationships.

You Can't Change Them, but You Can Change Your Reaction

Don’t become a victim of a chronic manipulator, and don’t let the manipulation continue indefinitely. As soon as you recognize what kind of pattern you are stuck in, put these simple methods into play to avoid further harm. It’s highly unlikely that a chronic manipulator will change, but you can alter the way you respond to them to keep yourself safe.