Relationships
How a Manipulator Defines Love
Chronic manipulators have a unique perspective on love.
Posted December 11, 2024 Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Chronic manipulators thrive on relationships—most of them will establish several romantic relationships in their lifetime, although they may not last for long. For those whose relationships make it to the long term, they typically involve an imbalance of power; chronic manipulators will not stay in a relationship they can’t use to get what they want in some way.
The worldview of a manipulator
When in a relationship with a chronic manipulator, it can be challenging to understand their perspective on love. Their worldview revolves around their own wants; thoughts of others only exist insofar as they help the manipulator take advantage of people around them. Love is not a mutually respective, intimate, trusting experience in these relationships.
For individuals already in an established romantic relationship with a manipulator, recognizing common interaction patterns can help set off alarm bells and prompt change. For those who are in the earlier stages of these relationships, understanding what to look for and how a manipulator defines love can put a stop to those relationships before they even start.
How manipulators view love
To a chronic manipulator, love means always agreeing with them. In healthy romantic relationships, individuals can and should be able to disagree respectfully. That ability is nonexistent in manipulative relationships.
Chronic manipulators assume that, if someone truly loves them, they will always agree with them—on the surface, at a minimum. They expect your opinion to match theirs in every way, and if you haven’t formed an opinion yet, they expect you to ask them for advice, and follow it.
Individuals who disagree with a manipulator, and have the courage to express it, will find a chilly reception. Disagreement equals disrespect in a manipulator’s eyes.
Chronic manipulators hate individuality. Healthy relationships revolve around empathy and encouragement for each person to be unique. Manipulators expect the opposite: they may initially be attracted to what makes you distinctive, but as the relationship progresses, they will expect you to fall in line with their wishes.
Manipulative relationships do not encourage individuality; they strongly discourage it because individuality means having your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The last thing a manipulator wants is to be paired with someone who exercises autonomy; they prefer partners who share—or at least pretend to share—their same likes and dislikes. That common ground makes it easier for them to take advantage of you and get the maximum enjoyment, with minimum work, out of the relationship.
Manipulative relationships are characterized by power imbalances. To a manipulator, love means power. You love them if you hand over power to them—and that power must be absolute. It doesn’t have to be earned. It doesn’t have to be voluntary on your part.
Romantic relationships can be a breeding ground for manipulators to take advantage of their significant others. Typically, one person in the relationship will have the final say, and they usually discourage others from sharing different viewpoints or disagreeing with their perspective. Different perspectives are viewed as “wrong” in manipulative relationships.
Manipulators believe that they deserve all the power in a relationship, simply because of who they are. Trust is not a factor in their minds, you should trust them unconditionally just because they say you should. The result of that trust, in their perspective, is you handing power over to them with no expectations of how you should be treated in return.
Chronic manipulators will label emotions they dislike as wrong. If your emotions differ from a manipulator, they will be labeled as wrong. Manipulators will argue with you, present a slew of evidence as to why your feelings are incorrect, and blame your “false” emotions for the problems in the relationship.
To a manipulator, love means you do what they want you to do. There is no empathy and ability to put themselves in your shoes. They believe the only valid viewpoint in a relationship is their own—and they usually have no qualms telling you how your perspective is erroneous.
Love should not be a blank check
Understanding how chronic manipulators view love is crucial to protecting yourself from unhealthy relationships. Love is not a blank check; it is a lasting bond that considers others and works for harmony—it seeks to protect and cherish, not use and destroy.
