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Narcissism

The 5 Parenting Rules of a Narcissist

Narcissistic parents often share common behaviors.

Key points

  • Narcissistic parenting may be linked to anxious and avoidant attachment styles in adult children.
  • Narcissistic parents exhibit several common traits when interacting with their children.
  • Understanding these patterns and working to reduce the repercussions are the best tools to combat it.

Parental narcissism has become an increasingly researched topic, with recent analysis showing a correlation between narcissistic parents and anxious and avoidant attachment styles in adult children. Growing our awareness of how narcissism can impact parenting is important to help support systems recognize patterns and know when—and how—to intervene (Palumbo, 2023).

Narcissistic parents exhibit several common traits when interacting with their children—traits that are the opposite of healthy parenting, which requires high levels of empathy, respect, and, yes, self-sacrifice. Well-functioning parents are able to simultaneously impose authority and warm regard for their children, to deeply care for their children’s needs and emotions while also safeguarding their need for rules and boundaries.

5 parenting "rules" for a narcissist

Understanding how narcissists parent is a crucial first step to changing those hurtful patterns and paving the way to using healthier strategies when raising children. Here are five common parenting “rules” that narcissistic parents commonly use:

1. The parent’s desires always come first. In healthy parent-child relationships, parents are capable of putting their own interests aside when necessary for their children’s well-being. Of course, that does not mean children’s wants always come first; rather, it means that a healthy functioning parent understands that a little self-sacrifice goes hand in hand with parenting.

Narcissistic parents do not consider their children’s needs as equal to their own (and never as more important). In their eyes, what comes first should be their own desires, as they tend to view their children as subordinates—people who exist to pay them homage, in a sense. Narcissistic parents want to see their children treating them in a way that builds up their self-esteem: they deserve specialized attention and respect simply because of who they are.

In a narcissistic parent’s viewpoint, a child should desire the same things they do, or bow to the parent’s will if they do not. If a child has needs that a narcissistic parent doesn’t agree with, that parent expects them to disregard those needs.

Children of narcissists tend to feel they should not express their needs, especially if they contradict what their parent desires. They will often stuff those needs and suffer silently or act out in ways that do not match the situation at hand—because they understand on a deep level that their needs are not important in their parents’ eyes.

2. A child shows respect only if they agree with everything the parent says and does. Healthy parenting allows, and, in developmentally appropriate ways, encourages, children to develop their own opinions. That’s part of maturing and becoming more independent, as well as building a healthy sense of self.

Narcissistic parents expect their children to fall into line, without question. Questioning decisions, even in polite and appropriate ways, is viewed by narcissistic parents as disrespectful. In their eyes, respect ideally means constant agreement—and pretending to agree at worst.

Unfortunately, refusing to allow children their own opinions and voice can destroy their self-esteem—but, to a narcissistic parent, a child should function as less than anyway. There is no such thing as mutual respect in these relationships—the only respect a narcissistic parent believes in is total and complete obedience to their own commands.

3. Children’s emotions are devalued. One of the key jobs of a healthy parent is to encourage emotional awareness in their children, to help them develop empathy for others. If children grow up not able to recognize or understand their emotions, it will be nearly impossible for them to experience empathy for others.

Narcissistic parents often believe their children’s emotions only have value if they match their own. A child who expresses an emotion that contradicts theirs is often viewed as an instigator—or, at the very least, is judged as having feelings that are “wrong.”

Children of narcissistic parents can grow up believing that their emotions are worthless and should not be felt or expressed. They may try to guess the emotions of others and mimic them, rather than truly understanding and experiencing their own feelings.

4. The child/parent relationship is a tool. Healthy relationships are built on reciprocity and function on empathy and mutual respect. But for narcissists, relationships serve one purpose: they are a tool, used to get what they want from others.

A narcissistic parent often views their relationship with their children as a means to an end; it’s a way to receive admiration from others or a form of identity. In some cases, narcissistic parents view their relationship with their children as insurance—if they physically provided for their kids, their kids should now owe them.

Long term, there are many benefits to healthy relationships, but narcissistic relationships come with more risk than reward. Adult children of narcissistic parents often struggle with navigating these relationships because they involve drawbacks and consequences rather than mutual benefits and reciprocity.

5. The parent never takes accountability. Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but it can be worked through, and if handled appropriately, can be a stepping stone to improving the relationship. However, in narcissistic relationships, conflict never truly gets resolved because narcissists will not take accountability.

Narcissistic parents rarely, if ever, apologize meaningfully to their children when they have hurt them in some way. Instead, they blame their children for the harm, or a nearby party, insisting that, if they had acted differently, they would never have been hurt. Ultimately, to a narcissistic parent, they have carte blanche to act in any way they “see fit,” regardless of how that impacts their kids.

Taking accountability includes acknowledging what you did that was hurtful or wrong, taking steps to make amends, and not engaging in the same behavior again. Narcissistic parents may superficially apologize when they feel pressured to do so by external sources, but those apologies are not purposeful and don’t involve true accountability. They will feel empty, like they’re part of an act, without the weight of true remorse behind them.

Recognizing patterns gives victims power

Though research has not studied narcissistic parenting patterns as much as other interactional exchanges, there has been recent work to establish trends and find ways to reduce the negative impacts of this parenting style. Unfortunately, because narcissism does not “go away,” understanding the presenting patterns and utilizing strategies to reduce their repercussions are the best tools to combat it.

Facebook image: Ekateryna Zubal/Shutterstock

References

Palumbo, Amy. (2023). Narcissistic Parenting and its Effects on Parenting Styles and Child Development. In BSU Honors Program Theses and Projects. Item 625. Available at: https://vc.bridgew.edu/honors_proj/ 625

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