We Know What We Know, but We Feel How We Feel

One of the main reasons people engage in therapy is to find solutions to their problems. This concept fascinates me, as most people already know the answers to their problems.

How is that possible?

When people come to you for advice, it’s usually very easy to give thoughtful and helpful solutions to most problems. Yet, when we have a similar problem, we are often stumped. Are our problems so much more complex and difficult than everyone else’s? Nope. We’re just clouded by emotion and can’t see as clearly. The reason for this phenomenon is simple. We know what we know, but we feel how we feel.

When we look at someone else’s problem, we are emotionally separated from it, so we can see it logically. Most struggles that people have are not that unique. We’re all human, and even though we are all unique, we’re actually more similar than we are different. We often want very similar things from life—to feel good about ourselves, to have happy and fulfilling relationships, to be good at our various roles (such as partners, parents, friends), and to not struggle financially. We also aspire to common values even though we deviate from them more than we like.

If we’re so intelligent, why do we make poor decisions or fail to act on the right ones? Simple, we feel how we feel. In therapy, people often discuss relationship problems. Sometimes, the relationships seem to be unhealthy or toxic, and they’ll vent about it, but not do much to fix it or leave it. My cheat code for therapy is to ask, “What would your advice to someone else be?” The answer is usually sound advice. And I’ll say, “That’s a great idea, it may be worth a try.” I don’t even take credit for it since they came up with it.

If only it were that easy. Sadly, most people will not act on their own advice right away. The problem is that emotions get in the way, and that brings in one’s defense mechanisms. I call them the shuns—justification, intellectualism, rationalization, and others. Defense mechanisms usually help us feel better about thoughts or actions that we logically know aren’t the best.

How does knowing this help us? Follow your own advice. Challenge yourself to step back from a problem and see it as someone else’s. Once you’re able to do that, then commit to seeing it through. If you catch yourself making excuses and trying to say it’s different for you than it is for them, be honest with yourself. Sometimes, I will look in the mirror and call myself out. Over time, this becomes more natural, and we struggle much less. The beauty is in the simplicity. Whenever you’re not sure what to do, just ask yourself what your advice would be and just follow it. After all, you already know. You just need to push the emotional cloud out of the way.