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Red Flags for Emotional Caretakers, Part Two
How to identify when serving as a caretaker.
Posted October 18, 2015
Caretakers often find it difficult to even notice when they are stepping in to take care of other people. Helping others who actually need help is kind and considerate, but when they could just as well take care of themselves and their own feelings, moves you right into the caretaker mode.
You could be caretaking about small things, such as what happened in my Caretaker Recovery Group last week. One of the participants was late and there was only one chair left which was in the corner. She indicated she didn't much like that location, and immediately one of the group members spoke up and said, "Here, I'll take that chair, you can have mine." I responded with, "Stop that. It's not your job to take care of her." All the chairs were exactly the same, so the second group member was responding automatically to soothe the "disappointment" of the other group member. It is not your job in life to make sure other people in the world are not disappointed or slightly uncomfortable.
Here are 10 guidelines about signs to look for in yourself to check if you are doing too much caretaking.
You may be falling into Emotional Caretaking behavior if you:
1. Are giving up activities, people, or goals that are important to you to be in this relationship. Good relationships encourage and allow each person to grow, develop and enjoy the things that s/he values and deeply enjoys. The BP/NP can so completely consume your energies or "disapprove" of your friends, activities, and even your family members so much that you think it isn't worth the energy to keep those people and interests in your life. Giving up what really matters to you is a significant sign that you are caretaking someone.
2. Can’t remember what is important to you. You may not even notice you are giving up things that are important to you, until you notice that you aren't doing those things anymore or can't remember what used to make you happy. Sometimes your friends or family complain that you "aren't the person you used to be." This might be a good time to really assess: Do you still have passions? Are you spending your time the way you want to? Or is all your time and energy focused on the wants, needs, and interests of someone else?
3. Are behaving or condoning behaviors that are against your values. This is a huge red flag. Narcissists and borderlines often act in ways that offend you or make you very uncomfortable. Do you find yourself going along with them or even defending or covering up their hurtful, thoughtless, or illegal behaviors? Watch out. You are giving up your own values, and your friends and family will judge you along with the BP/NP for what the BP/NP is doing.
4. Increasingly try to do more to please the other person and yet feel more unappreciated. Are you feeling unappreciated and undervalued and yet you keep trying and trying to please the other person? Good relationships work on a reciprocity principle, which involves two people giving and receiving back and forth on a fairly equal basis. If you are not feeling valued and esteemed by the other person, then things are out of balance, and it is time to pay attention to what is out of balance.
5. Increasingly tell yourself that you don’t have any preferences that are worth “fighting about." You shouldn't have to fight about your preferences. A respectful relationship allows each person to express and make choices that please them. Some things need to be decided together, but the vast majority of preferences really don't impact the other person very much. Do you feel that your preferences are ridiculed, or devalued, or denied just because the other person doesn't agree? If you are feeling like you have to fight to be seen and heard, this is a sign you are getting into a caretaker role.
6. Don’t feel that others actually know the “real” you. Have your friends and family told you that you have changed? Are they concerned that you don't seem like yourself? Do you have secrets that you aren't telling them because you're ashamed of what is happening in your life? That's a red flag.
7. Begin feeling hopeless, helpless, or not good enough. These feelings are all strong indicators that you feel powerless and invalidated in this relationship. They indicate that the relationship is out of balance and is not serving even your basic needs. These feelings are early indicators of depression and emotional abuse.
8. Are no longer easily expressing your thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Have you given up spontaneously sharing your thoughts, feelings and ideas because the other person doesn't listen, doesn't seem to care, or rejects or mocks them? So you choose to quit expressing who you are rather than meet this hurtful and devaluing behavior with action? You are definitely caretaking.
9. You keep trying harder but nothing gets better. As a therapist, I learned that if what you are doing never seems to work, then trying the opposite may make the situation change. If you typically keep trying and trying, why not stop trying and see what happens? Often we get into caretaking behaviors because we are trying to get the other person to do what we want. Maybe it's time to see if the other person is at all invested in making the relationship what you want it to be.
10. Are ignoring or forgetting to take good emotional, physical and spiritual care of yourself. Lack of self care is your most important red flag. If you are becoming anxious or depressed, losing energy and enthusiasm, or becoming apathetic or discouraged, then you are not being true to yourself. You are not taking care of yourself, which means that you are likely spending your energy for the entire benefit of others—spouse, children, boss, friends, etc. Caretaking others in order to be loved or approved of is a slippery slope to disaster. Love can only be freely given. If you aren't getting the love you want and deserve unless you give in and give up what is good for you, then it is time to look elsewhere.
