Want to Indirectly Improve Relationships With Stepchildren?

We have been exploring how stepfamily members create satisfying relationships (see "First Steps for Stepparents," "Having Fun With Stepchildren," and other posts). Here, I continue this series, but instead of reviewing what stepparents can do directly with stepchildren to generate closer connections, I want to now explore an indirect approach to bonding with stepchildren: being a valuable addition to the family.

This advice is incredibly vague. What does “being a valuable addition to the family” mean? In this case, it means that a stepchild notices that the stepparent has made family life better. This is still unclear, so let’s drill down to see what the research says.

Most research findings about “what works” for stepparents trying to build good relationships with stepchildren focus on uncovering direct actions that stepparents do with stepchildren, either during one-on-one activities (e.g., playing games) or with other people around (e.g., going out to dinner as a family). For most stepparents and stepchildren, positive bonds are built this way; as with any new friendship, individuals seek common ground, enjoy doing things together, and talk/share a lot about their likes, interests, wants, needs, feelings, and thoughts, growing closer as the relationship develops. Direct approaches to bonding do not always work, however.

Sometimes, stepchildren resist a stepparent’s well-intentioned efforts to get to know them better and to become closer. There are lots of reasons for this, including loyalty to an absent parent, dislike of the stepparent for whatever reasons, personality clashes, and so on. Sometimes resistance is from only one stepchild, and sometimes all stepchildren in a family join in resisting their stepparents’ efforts to connect. When direct approaches to bonding with stepchildren are not working, there is still hope, because of an indirect pathway to stepparent-stepchild bonding: adding value to the family.

My research partners and I first encountered this in a study of the variability of stepparents’ relationships with stepchildren. In one pattern of how relationships developed, we found that some stepchildren drastically changed what they thought about a stepparent, even after months and years of sharing time in a household (see "Patterns of Stepchild-Stepparent Relationships" for more about this study). These changed perceptions led to big differences in how they interacted with their stepparent, and relationship quality greatly improved, going from distant or hostile feelings to warm and positive relationships. Perceptions began to change when stepchildren noticed that life in the household or the quality of other family interactions had improved because of the stepparent’s contributions.

Often, these stepchildren observed that their parent, the partner of the stepparent, was happier, less stressed, and seemed to enjoy life more. These stepchildren noticed how lovingly the stepparent interacted with their mom or dad; they observed how kind and respectful the stepparent was to their parent, and they could see that the stepparent had enriched the parent’s life. Perceiving that the stepparent enhanced the quality of life of their parent led to stepchildren feeling that they should be nicer to the stepparent as a way of indirectly repaying the stepparent’s kindness and support of the stepchild’s parent. These stepchildren reasoned, “I owe my stepfather because he has improved my mother’s life,” or “My dad seems much mellower and happier, so I need to give my stepmom a break.”

Other stepchildren changed the trajectories of relationships with stepparents after witnessing how warmly the stepparent interacted with their brothers and sisters, and after noting how positively their siblings felt about the stepparent. “If my brother and sister like him, and he likes them, maybe he is ok after all,” and “How can my stepmother be as bad as I think she is if my siblings have so much fun with her?” were typical comments we heard. Older stepchildren sometimes were less willing to try to get closer to the stepparent than their siblings, and it took time for them to “follow” their younger siblings in getting along better with the stepparent. Observing a stepparent helping a sibling with homework, paying for a school trip that they would have to miss before, or watching the stepparent and sibling having fun together were the kinds of positive interactions that led stepchildren to decide that the stepparent had added value to the family.

Noticing that the household was less emotionally stressful since the stepparent joined, perceiving that money was not as tight because of the stepparent’s added income, or seeing how much better other family members felt due to the stepparent’s support helped these initially resistant stepchildren conclude that the stepparent was a net addition to the family. Keep in mind that this indirect way of improving the step-bond usually does not happen overnight.

So, how can stepparents demonstrate they are adding value to the family? They can:

• Be a good partner to the parent of the stepchild
• Actively bond with stepchildren in tried and true ways (e.g., having fun together, working together, caregiving, etc.)
• Be persistent in loving the parent and in trying to build friendships with stepchildren
• Give resistant stepchildren some space, but provide them opportunities to see how you are adding to the well-being of all family members

Adding value to the family is easier said than done, perhaps. The good news is that stepparents can demonstrate adding value to the family by engaging in behaviors that researchers have found often lead to positive couple and stepparent-stepchild relationships. Also, parents and siblings can help resistant stepchildren notice a stepparent’s positive impacts and share their views about the stepparent’s contributions. The main takeaway message for stepparents is to hang in there in their efforts to build positive relationships with stepchildren — the benefits may well extend beyond the specific children with whom they are trying to bond.