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Adolescence
Teens Can Drive You Nuts—Especially When They're Not Yours!
Yes, you can survive the teen years with your stepchildren.
Posted November 5, 2009 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
This is a special guest post by Susan Wisdom, LPC, author of Stepcoupling.
Note: Susan uses the terms "biological child" and "biological parent," terms I prefer not to use in my own writing about stepfamilies, since many parents are adoptive parents. However, I think you will find Susan's piece and suggestions helpful to your step/family, regardless of how you came by your kids and stepkids.
Parenting Biological Teens vs. Stepteens
We all know that parenting teenagers is no piece of cake, but I have to say it's harder with a stepchild than your own flesh and blood. It's especially hard for stepmothers. The hardest time for a stepfamily to form is when there are teenagers in the mix.
Hanging in there with your own flesh and blood as they grow into adolescence, and express themselves in their own "unique" ways, is just what you do as a parent. You delivered this child, nursed and nurtured it, cuddled and gooed over it, dressed it in darling clothes, laughed at the funny things they said, praised their successes, taught them, and cared for them through thick and thin. That's what parents do. You stored up lots of love and energy to deal with the adolescent years of testing and separation. You have photos and memories to refer to. Not so with stepchildren.
A stepmom doesn't have the benefit of this stored-up love, energy, and history to help smooth the process and pave the way through adolescence. All they think of is, "When will they leave?" They're counting the days.
Raising adolescents is about letting go of control and allowing the teenager to take more responsibility for their behaviors and decisions, both good and bad. Biological parents know, love, and trust their kids by nature. Smart, experienced parents also know full well their teenagers will make some poor choices during this time. Teenagers have to experiment to learn for themselves. When their teens get into trouble with "poor choices" (read: bad behavior), the parents talk with them, issue appropriate consequences, and forgive them.
It's not so easy for stepmoms. The relationship is different. They don't have the same biological genes or savings account of stored-up love and energy for the teenager. Furthermore, the way stepmoms do relate to their stepteens is to try to control them and tell them what to do. We all do it. The problem is teenagers don't respond well to controlling stepmoms. They don't even like their own mom telling them what to do. Stepmoms like rules and order, which is exactly what stepteens don't like—especially from stepmoms.
Another hot button between stepteens and stepmoms has to do with attitude. Most teenagers cop a bad attitude. What's important is how a teen's bad attitude (rudeness, surliness, etc.) affects the adult parent or stepparent. In my experience of being both a mom and stepmom, I was able to brush off my own kids' bad mouth and bad moods better than my stepkids'. I didn't take it personally. I knew it would pass. With my stepkids, I did take it personally. I'd get so frustrated and angry.
The same is true with forgiveness. I was able to forgive and move on faster with my own kids than with my stepkids. My husband felt the same way about his kids. Kids know their stepparents favor their own kids over them. Sometimes I think our own kids can do no wrong and our stepkids can do no right. It's not fair and we fool no one but ourselves.
Another issue is loyalty. As angry and surly as these teenagers can be, they're very loyal to their biological parents, almost more than ever because they're dealing with the adolescent question of, "Who am I and where do I fit in?" They know who their biological parents are, and we stepmoms aren't it. Stepmoms should get out of their way to allow the stepchildren to embrace Mom, if possible. This lays the groundwork for adolescents being able to grow up and move on.
What can stepmoms (and stepdads) do to support their stepteens through adolescence?
1. Don't over-control them. They will only resist more. Get out of their way as they move from childhood to adulthood—a very long, up and down process. Be on hand to listen when they want to talk. Find creative ways to connect and share with them.
2. Be a positive role model. Be the best of who you are. Know that they are taking notes and have antennae you can't imagine. Listen to and advise when they want it. Reach out, hang out, and teach them subtly what you know.
3. Show them a healthy stepcouple relationship. There will be arguments about your child vs. his child—your style of parenting vs. his, money issues, etc. Learn to talk out your differences and develop a strong, loving partnership.
Three things you'd love to hear from your adolescent at a much later date:
- "My stepmom really hung in there with me when I was not behaving very well as a teen."
- "My stepmom was a lot different from my mom, but she was always interested in what I was doing."
- "I'm glad my dad married my stepmom."
–Susan Wisdom, LPC
Author of Stepcoupling, November 2009
