Why Women Struggle to Push Back

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One of the most powerful barriers to pushing back—at work, at home, or in relationships—is the quiet belief that asking for reasonable change reveals a personal flaw.

Women are often conditioned to believe it’s weak to admit we can’t do it all, needy to request emotional support, and lazy to refuse extra tasks. The “ideal” woman, wife, mother, and employee is one who needs nothing, wants nothing, and handles everything flawlessly. She’s perfectly selfless—and perfectly exhausted.

This mindset keeps us locked into patterns of perfectionism and overfunctioning. We scrutinize ourselves for every shortcoming while giving others a pass. We live in a culture that equates a woman’s aging with “letting herself go,” blames mothers for any difficulties their children experience, and fetishizes home organization and cleanliness—tasks that are still disproportionately considered women’s responsibility.

Instead of asking what we could delegate, drop, or refuse, we focus on how we’re failing to keep up. That’s not just a mental health issue—it’s a systemic one. And when women are too busy doing everything, there’s no room left to ask for what we need.

A Lifetime of Instruction Manuals

From ages 12 to 35, I was a voracious consumer of women’s magazines. I read them like they were sacred texts: how to dress, how to eat, how to organize my closet, how to “glow up,” how to be a better wife, mother, and friend.

After I married and had children, my goals multiplied. Beauty, thinness, health, self-discipline, personal growth, home organization, child-rearing, relationship success, a well-stocked kitchen. There’s value in some of this content—I still miss the early-aughts book reviews in ELLE. But many of the messages landed the same way: You’re still not quite enough.

Today, young women absorb similar messages via beauty influencers and “clean girl” content on TikTok. One friend asked me, “Do you wash your walls as part of regular cleaning?” I replied, “Spot clean, sometimes?” She answered, “No, like the entire wall—I saw it on TikTok.”

Perfectionism in Action

I bought those magazines because I wanted to be perfect. “Perfect” meant looking good (read: thin), having a beautiful home, being a gentle and available mother, a thoughtful partner, and a consistently warm and attentive friend.

I rarely said no. I didn’t ask for help. I replayed every social interaction in my head, second-guessing what I said or didn’t say. I hosted events and then lay awake at night dissecting the food, the guest list, and whether I talked too much.

I distinctly remember one moment when a friend texted that she was on her way over. Even though I knew she didn’t care about how my apartment looked—and even preferred a relaxed, lived-in vibe—I rushed to tidy up anyway. When she walked in, I apologized: “Sorry it’s such a mess in here.” She looked around my spotless living room and said flatly, “Give me a break, Tonya.”

That moment stayed with me. Even when I knew better, the performance of perfection was hard to drop.

I Did Everything—and Paid the Price

I wasn’t just trying to do everything perfectly. I was trying to do everything. At the time, I was in graduate school full-time, working part-time, parenting two small children, and married to a partner with an intense job who was rarely available to help. And yet, I still felt obligated to volunteer at school events, cook homemade meals, and show up for every birthday party and book club.

Looking back, I wish I’d focused on just two priorities: finishing graduate school and being present for my children. PB&Js for dinner would not have harmed anyone. I didn’t need a 4.0 GPA. But the idea of doing less—or accepting “good enough”—didn’t even occur to me.

What I Wish I’d Done Differently

I share this not to shame my younger self but to offer a map to anyone who feels similarly trapped today. If you find yourself overfunctioning, overcommitting, or overanalyzing, here’s what I wish someone had told me:

1. Identify Your Real Priorities and Let the Rest Go

Not everything needs your full energy. I believed I had to give 100% to everything—school, parenting, marriage, hosting, social life. But in reality, not every area of your life requires exceptional performance. My son didn’t need me to plan elaborate enrichment activities. He needed love, routine, and my attention when we were together. My professors didn’t need perfect papers; they needed me to pass. Give yourself permission to let some things slide.

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2. Get Comfortable Disappointing People

People-pleasing is a perfectionist trap. I said yes reflexively, especially when I hadn’t clarified my own priorities. Even when I managed to say no at first, I’d often cave after a second or third ask. That shifted when a friend said something that stuck with me: “Their job is to ask. Your job is to say no.” That sentence redefined boundaries for me. Now, I repeat it when guilt creeps in.

3. Tolerate Conflict to Create Change

My husband loved being consumed by work—and our culture rewarded that. I, on the other hand, felt I couldn’t complain or ask for help without seeming needy or ungrateful. I avoided difficult conversations because I feared his defensiveness—and my own discomfort. But in hindsight, I should have pushed back. I should have said, “This isn’t working. I need you to step up.” We’re often taught that a woman’s strength lies in enduring. But sometimes, it lies in refusing to keep enduring alone.

A Journal Prompt to Try

Where in your life are you holding yourself to impossible standards?

Ask yourself:

• What’s driving that pressure?
• What’s the worst that would happen if you said no?
• What discomfort are you avoiding—and what freedom might be on the other side?

When I point out perfectionism in my clients, many say, “Oh no, I’m far from perfect.” But perfectionism isn’t about excellence—it’s about anxiety. It’s the nervous revving in your stomach, the voice that says you must do more, better, faster—or else.

The truth? No matter how gifted or organized or driven you are, if everything must be exceptional, nothing truly is. And more importantly: you don’t have to earn your worth through overperformance.

You’re allowed to take up space, to lower the bar, and to stop proving yourself through exhaustion.

Sometimes pushing back starts with doing less—and letting that be enough.

This post is adapted from Push Back: Live, Love, and Work with Others Without Losing Yourself (New World Library, 2025).