Unseen Warning Signs: The Risk of Narcissism in Boys

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After every school shooting, mass shooting, or act of targeted political violence, I’ve noticed a heartbreaking and consistent theme in my work with families. Mothers often come to me with the same fearful question:
"Why does this keep happening with boys—and is my son at risk too?"

Most recently, one mother sat across from me, exhausted and tearful, asking if her parenting was somehow creating a “narcissist” in her son. She feared what she was seeing—and even more, what it might mean. Was her child destined for a dangerous path, or was she missing something crucial?

As a clinician, I’ve heard this question too many times to dismiss it as a coincidence. The fear is real and justified. This pattern of violence among boys cannot be ignored, minimized, or explained away as “isolated incidents.”

Her question, and the repeated concerns of so many parents, prompted me to dig deeper into the research. I wanted to understand how violence in young boys connects to upbringing, identity development, and, in some cases, the emergence of violent patterns later in life. What I found confirmed what I had seen in practice: Ignoring certain personality traits—especially entitlement, fragile identity, and unchecked narcissism—can have devastating consequences.

When Entitlement Becomes Danger

In recent decades, the United States has experienced repeated tragedies: school shootings, mass shootings, and targeted political violence. While there is no single profile for violence, research shows that narcissistic traits like fragile self-esteem, grandiosity, and entitlement often play a role (Bushman, 2017). Narcissism, Fame-Seeking, and Mass Shootings (Bushman, 2017/2018) documents evidence that many shooters display ego vulnerability and a desire for recognition, which can spiral when criticized or rejected. The faces on the news are not foreign enemies or faceless villains. They are neighbors’ sons, students, athletes, and classmates, boys who slipped through the cracks while anger and entitlement grew unchecked.

Too often, early signs of narcissism are dismissed or rewarded: Aggression becomes “boys will be boys,” manipulation is brushed off as cleverness, and lack of empathy excused as immaturity (Bushman, 2017). In my clinical experience, I’ve observed boys sometimes receiving fewer or lighter consequences for harmful behavior, reinforcing entitlement and a lack of accountability. Over time, this unchecked entitlement can evolve into a worldview where violence feels like control, attention, or power (Bushman, 2017).

When children aren’t taught accountability, empathy, and responsibility from the start, they often grow up struggling with isolation and resentment, which can later manifest in harmful ways. Boys are not inherently dangerous, but when emotional needs are ignored and behaviors excused, they can develop a dangerous mix of fragile egos and unchecked anger (Bushman, 2017).

Why Boys?

This is not about race as destiny; it is about how culture, society, and psychology collide. Many boys are socialized, subtly or overtly, to expect respect, success, and influence. When those expectations go unmet through mental health struggles, social rejection, or economic challenges, they can experience deep narcissistic wounds. Madfis (2014) describes “triple entitlement,” where race, gender, and privilege intersect to create aggrieved entitlement when setbacks occur. In my clinical experience, I see how disappointment mixed with entitlement can fuel resentment and rage. Understanding this dynamic is essential to prevention.

Narcissism: The Cost of Ignoring Early Warning Signs

Narcissism is more than being “self-centered.” Research shows it often reflects a lack of empathy, fragile self-esteem, and hypersensitivity to criticism or failure (Bushman, 2017). For boys, especially those raised with entitlement messages, it can manifest as:

• Lashing out when someone challenges their authority
• Deflecting responsibility when held accountable
• Treating others as less-than in order to stay in control
• Exploding with anger when they don’t get what they feel they deserve

Recognizing these red flags is crucial. Addressing them early can prevent patterns of entitlement and narcissism from escalating into entrenched aggression or violence (APA, 2023). Behavioral red flags in boys are often dismissed too casually. When boys constantly look for attention, dodge responsibility, or show little care for others, adults often brush it off. We tell ourselves it’s just “teenage behavior,” or excuse it as “boys will be boys.” Sometimes we even mistake it for healthy confidence. But ignoring these signs can be harmful.

If these habits aren’t addressed early, they can grow stronger. What starts as eye-rolling or blame-shifting in adolescence can turn into aggression, control, or deep resentment later on. The longer it goes unchecked, the harder it is to untangle. That’s why boys need guidance as much as they need freedom. They need adults who will point out harmful behaviors while also teaching empathy, accountability, and responsibility. When we step in with care, we’re not just correcting them in the moment—we’re giving them tools to build respect, manage conflict, and form healthy relationships.

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Supporting boys this way is not about being stricter; it’s about refusing to dismiss behaviors that could lead to bigger problems later. They deserve the chance to grow into men who are confident and compassionate. These patterns aren’t harmless quirks; they can signal deeper narcissistic traits that, if left unchecked, may become firmly entrenched.

It’s not about being harder on boys—it’s about refusing to ignore warning signs and helping them develop the emotional skills they deserve. Too often, action comes only after a crisis. By then, patterns are set, and change is much harder. Permissive parenting, along with cultural messages that boys “deserve” power or respect, can quietly fuel entitlement. Ignoring these warning signs doesn’t keep kids safe; it puts them on a risky path.

So, What Can We Do?

We cannot wait until a boy makes headlines to address his mental health. Warning signs—bullying, cruelty, obsession with violent media, fixation on weapons, or refusal to take responsibility—demand immediate action. Here are five research-backed steps:

1. Expand Mental Health Screening and Monitor Online Behavior – Include grandiosity, entitlement, rage, and online activity to identify at-risk youth and reduce radicalization (Aryaeinejad & Scherer, 2024).
2. Address Behavior Early – When you notice aggression or entitlement, respond with understanding and clear boundaries. Tackling these behaviors early helps prevent them from growing into bigger problems.
3. Shift Media Narratives – Reduce sensationalism of perpetrators; focus instead on survivors, prevention, and healing (Aryaeinejad & Scherer, 2024).
4. Strengthen Parenting and School Support – Equip parents and teachers with practical strategies to provide steady guidance, set boundaries, and respond thoughtfully.
5. Turn Empathy into a Superpower – Help children see that real strength comes from pairing confidence with compassion and influence with responsibility.

Final Word

Red flags in behavior should not be viewed as harmless ego quirks in boys. Narcissism can signal deeper wounds that, if ignored, can calcify into rage. Boys who grow angry in silence may not always become violent, but waiting until they do is far too late. Prevention isn’t about labeling; it’s about giving boys tools, space, and empathy early. It’s about reshaping how we raise them: teaching strength with compassion, confidence with humility, and power grounded in service.

If we continue to sweep entitlement under the rug, we risk allowing what is visible now to grow into something irreversible. Every red flag we excuse today is a risk we all carry tomorrow. For the sake of our boys and the safety of our communities, we must confront this with honesty, accountability, and care. By doing so, we give boys the chance to grow into men who are strong yet compassionate, confident yet humble, and powerful in ways that serve others rather than harm them.