Co-Regulating With Your Anxious Child in the New School Year

Here we are again! It’s September, and it’s back-to-school season. This new “season” brings on new routines and… anxiety. For some children, the new year brings on excitement, and for others, it can trigger stress and even resistance to the new routine. This is especially true for our children, teens, and young adults with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), learning differences, or anxiety.

As parents, we can often get “lost” in the “what” needs to happen between the end of the summer and the beginning of the school year with school supplies, new sneakers, backpacks, lunch boxes, etc. Our children sit with this impending change and often dread the new school year with all of its newness.

What can we do to help our children through this transition? We can learn to regulate our own anxieties about the new school year and the returned demands for completing homework, back-to-school nights, extracurricular practice, and game times, etc.

Our kids are watching. If we can manage our stress and monitor our reactions, our children will use it as a reference point, and instead of worrying, they may be better able to adjust to the transition. That is, instead of mirroring our children’s anxiety about the new school year, let’s counteract it by finding ways to ease into the new school year.

Co-regulation = when our children, teens, and young adults learn how to manage stress by watching and feeling how their caregivers respond. When parents stay regulated, children feel safer and more capable of handling challenges.

Here are three ways we can model calm behavior to support our children's, teens', and young adults’ emotional growth.

Regulate Thyself

Kids often mirror their parents’ emotional state. If we rush, yell, or are visibly anxious, our children interpret the situation and upcoming activity as stressful. This also revs up your child’s nervous system, and the underlying message is: “This is not a safe situation/activity.”

• If your child is showing visible signs of anxiety or is having a meltdown, take a big breath and ground yourself.
• Speak slowly to your child with a lower-medium volume as this communicates the message, “I’ve got this, and we’ve got this.”

You can make statements such as: “I know this feels stressful, so let’s take a deep breath together before we get ready to leave for soccer.” This says, “I see you, and let’s calm our bodies together.”

As parents, prepare in advance. For example, if you know your child is going to need their football uniform on Wednesday, wash it in advance. Make lunches the night before. Pack up backpacks the night before and choose clothing for the morning. The more that can be done in advance, the less you have to look for or put together before you have to walk out your door.

Co-Regulate in the Moment

How often have we used the old-school method of “Go to your room to calm down?” I know I have. Unfortunately, if our children are dysregulated, they may not know how to regulate on their own. They need us to co-regulate with them. That is, we are teaching them to self-soothe by calming their nervous system with our help until they learn to effectively self-calm on their own.

If your child is shorter than you, get on their level, make eye contact, and use a gentle tone.

If your child is your height or taller, make eye contact and touch his or her arm, and use a gentle tone with lower volume.

Remember to meet your child, teen, or young adult where he or she is, acknowledge feelings, and co-regulate down together.

Do not make statements like “Stop crying,” but do make statements like “I can understand why you’re upset right now. Let’s take a breath together, and then let’s think about how you can handle this situation.”

Build Consistent Routines and Create Emotional Safety

Consistency and predictability create stability and reduce stress. Our children, teens, and young adults will feel more secure when they know what to expect, especially during transitions, big or small.

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Create consistent morning routines. Create a visual schedule for the getting-ready routine and the getting-out-the-door routine. Create another visual schedule for the after-school and before-bed routine.

As the parent, each week, look ahead to what’s coming up so you can begin to mentally prepare yourself as well as get things ready in advance. You can also begin to give your child or children a “heads up” about the next day’s schedule.

Post a family calendar with each family member’s events listed in a designated color.

Modeling regulation and co-regulating with your child during moments of anxiety or stress can begin to teach your child how to self-soothe. By practicing calm, co-regulation, and consistent routines, parents can provide a foundation of safety and resilience that can help our children, teens, and young adults face stressful times.