Parenting Isn't a One-Size-Fits-All Job

Parenting isn't a one-size-fits-all job.

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Let’s be clear: Parenting is not a one-size-fits-all journey or job. There is no manual and there are no clear-cut or universal guidelines that help us navigate the many different developmental phases of each of our children and the unique temperaments and personalities that they bring into the world with them. As parents, we assess and understand each of our children’s needs and adapt our parenting to that one unique child. What this means is that parenting may not appear or feel “equal” to our children.

All Children Are Created Differently

Even though our children may come from the same gene pool, they can also be different from each other. While one child may be able to handle criticism and manage social dynamics with ease, another child may perceive social cues as rejection and exclusion. With that said, each child will benefit from a different parenting approach. Whereas one child benefits from strictly laid guidelines and expectations with clearly delineated consequences, the other may become highly self-derogatory and self-sabotaging if the same approach is used.

What Is My Child’s Temperament?

Each of our children has their own quirks, preferences, and tolerances. These inborn preferences impact their perceptions, interactions, and reactions. A longitudinal study completed in 1959 by psychiatrists Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess identified three temperamental styles:

• Easy: This temperament style is characterized by a more laid-back approach and response to the world. A child with an easy temperament is generally more adaptable and cheerful and follows consistent routines.
• Slow-to-Warm-Up: Children with a slow-to-warm-up temperament need time to adjust to new situations by watching and sitting back for a period of time (e.g., at a birthday party). This is not the child who is going to jump into a social gathering or an activity but will rather need to watch the interactions for a bit before joining.
• Difficult: This temperament is characterized by intensity, sensitivity, a low frustration tolerance, and a greater tendency for emotional dysregulation or strong emotional reactions. Parenting children with this type of temperament requires a higher level of consistency, empathy, and creative problem-solving to address their strong-willed nature.

How Should I Parent My Child Based on Temperament?

Once you have a sense of the temperament style of each of your children, certain approaches to parenting will create more effective interactions and teaching moments.

For the easy-going child, you may wish to:

• Provide clear expectations for them within your home, at school, etc.
• Maintain consistency in your communication and standards.
• Offer challenges and raise the bar for your child to help build motivation and realistic personally set standards for achievement (in any domain).

For the slow-to-warm-up child, you may wish to:

• Have the mental framework that they will need time to adjust to a new environment, routine, or expectations.
• Allow them time and space to move and function at his/her own pace.
• Create a secure and predictable environment to build confidence gradually.
• Practice patience and gentle encouragement, and expect that change will require a gradual approach.

For the difficult child, you may wish to:

• Set firm and loving boundaries.
• Listen actively.
• Validate your child’s emotional experiences.
• Guide gently toward functional and positive behaviors.
• Be consistent, flexible, and empathic.

The Role of Your Parenting Mindset

Be aware of your parenting style and explore the roots of your approach, expectations, and standards. Many of us have internalized the parenting style and philosophy of our parents, even though there may have been parts that weren’t functional or preferred. Know and understand how you interpret your child’s tone, behaviors, actions, compliance, or noncompliance. When you speak with your children, listen to your volume and your tone and note how they affect each of your children.

Communication Is Key

No matter what your child’s temperament may be and no matter what your parenting style may be, encouraging back-and-forth conversation with your child about his or her daily life and areas of struggle is key.

• Listen to your child’s worries or struggles.
• Put down your phone and sit with your child, make eye contact, have your body face your child, and listen. Nod to let your child know you’re listening and in tune.
• Validate your child’s experience. It will help him/her feel heard and seen, and this may make your child more willing to speak with you.
• Use validating statements like, “I’m sorry you had to go through that today. It sounds like it was really hard for you.”
• You don’t need to fix problems and difficult situations all the time. If you’re not sure, ask your child: “Do you want me to listen while you vent or do you want to problem-solve together?”
• Ask questions without judgment: “What do you think you want to do with/about that?” Or “Is there someone you can reach out to who can help you work toward...?”
• Reassure your child that you're there to help: “What can I do to support you?”

Conclusion

Parenting is all about understanding your child’s temperament and your parenting style and adjusting and adapting to each of your children’s needs. Each child’s perceptions, perspectives, judgments, and interactions with the world can be different. What works for one child may not work for your other child. Listen, validate, adapt, stay calm, and parent away.