This post is co-authored with Leah Millheiser, M.D. Millheiser is a clinical assistant professor in obstetrics and gynecology and the director of the Female Sexual Medicine Program at Stanford University Medical Center.
The 21st-century woman can be a mother, a friend, a wife, a partner, an educator, and a financial provider. Let’s face it—she is an all-around goddess! With that being said, the past two months have certainly taken all of those roles to task. There is no question that shelter-in-place (SIP) has tested all of us, and unfortunately women have been negatively impacted in exponential ways.
Mothers who also typically work “outside” the home have been especially swamped. Co-founder of LeanIn.org Sheryl Sandberg recently called this the “double double shift,” with these mothers having even more responsibilities than before. They are playing a larger role in their children’s schooling and shouldering much of the extra COVID-19 tasks (such as making masks and cleaning off groceries) to keep their families safe and afloat—all of this on top of their full-time jobs! This extra burden appears to be taking a toll on women’s health, with an increase in anxiety, sleep issues, irritability, fatigue, and even elevated alcohol use. The “village” moms typically use (babysitters, grandparents, after-school daycare) are not available to step in, and with that moms have more to do and little to no time to themselves. Women are literally hiding in their closets and bathrooms to take a breather.
Women’s Sex Lives During SIP
Women are especially feeling the strain when it comes to libido (or sex drive) and expectations around sexual activity. Blogs and posts touting the benefits of physical intimacy and normalizing increased sexual frequency can promote unrealistic expectations around sex and poor sexual self-confidence in women during this time. The disruption of daily routine, mental fatigue brought on by work and financial stressors, homeschooling children, and fears about health have many women collectively sighing “not tonight, I have a headache,” and for good reason.
Compared to men, women tend to experience a greater degree of sexual, or erotic, plasticity. It is the idea that sexual response is impacted by social, situational, and cultural factors. Renowned sexual health researcher, Dr. Rosemary Basson, incorporated the concept of sexual plasticity into her circular model of female sexual response. Published approximately 20 years ago, her model differed from its linear predecessors set forth by famed sexual researchers Masters and Johnson and Kaplan. Basson’s model is built around the idea that, throughout a woman’s lifespan, spontaneous sexual desire isn’t always the driving factor for engagement in a sexual act. Instead, the driving factor is an incentive, such as increased intimacy with her partner or physical satisfaction. As a result, she seeks out or is receptive to a sexual stimulus. If all of the stars are aligned, she will develop increased sexual arousal and subsequent responsive sexual desire. This ultimately leads to emotional and/or physical satisfaction and achievement of her original goal, or incentive.
The “stars aligning” for a woman during a sexual act is dependent on several biopsychosocial and contextual factors: is she taking any medications that impact sexual function, what is the quality of her romantic relationship, what are her cultural beliefs about sex, does she have privacy in the home or is she worried about kids barging in mid-coitus, is she experiencing depression or anxiety, is there abuse of CNS depressants such as drugs or alcohol, or are there concerns about body image? Research has demonstrated that women are more likely to identify with Basson’s model if they are postmenopausal, have sexual concerns, or are in long-term relationships. However, in a COVID-19 world, fear, stress, and anxiety are at an all-time high and younger women who are normally Team Masters and Johnson are sprinting over to Team Basson. This heterogeneity of sexual response is mostly applicable to women, completely normal, and can be attributed to evolutionary biology.
Positive Health Outcomes From Sex
So, as a gift to ourselves this Mother’s Day, let’s make it a goal to reclaim both the sexual and emotional intimacy in our relationships from COVID-19. Not because you have to or should, but because having consensual sex can be good for your health. There are many mental health benefits for being sexually active, including lowering stress, better sleep, and happier mood. Orgasms also bring joy and release during a time period where many of our other ways of relaxing and having fun are not available.
Practical Tips
Here are some useful tips to rekindle a flame that feels on the verge of burning out:
- Embrace the idea of “beforeplay”: Many women who aren’t experiencing spontaneous sexual desire as often as they would like right now, find that preparing for sex ahead of time allows them to “come to the table” as ready and excited as their partner is. Otherwise, they could spend the entire time trying to play catch-up to their partner’s level of sexual excitement and may ultimately walk away from the event unsatisfied. Beforeplay is the idea that a woman creates responsive sexual desire on her own prior to engaging with her partner. This can be achieved in many ways, such as watching or reading erotica or self-stimulation. Look at yourself in the mirror and embrace your sexiness. Being body positive with your beforeplay is empowering and can lead to more sexual confidence. It’s important to find out what type of beforeplay works for you.
- Give each other space: Most of us are not used to being around our partners 24/7. This constant togetherness is the perfect breeding ground for getting on each other’s nerves. If you and/or your partner worked outside of the home during the workweek pre-COVID, try to mimic some of that separation during SIP, to the extent which it is possible. This is a great time to text-flirt with your partner and build anticipation throughout the day.
- Yes, you can still have date night: It may look a little different but the concept is the same. Your kids can get involved with the planning, too. Give them a challenge to create a date night for you and your partner with the understanding that during the actual date, they need to be quietly entertaining themselves in another area (you may want to bend the screen time rules here!). Some ideas for a date night challenge could be that the kids make you both popcorn while you watch a movie, the older kids watch the younger kids (if age appropriate) while you and your partner go for a walk (remember to hold hands), or have your kids create what they think is a “romantic” dinner for you. Once they have created the scene, send them on their way for a while and reconnect with your partner. There is one rule on date night, try not to talk about the kids the whole time (or at all). Reminisce about the old days, what brought you together, trips you want to take when SIP is a distant memory, what’s special about each other, or what hobbies you want to learn together.
- Shelve the sweats and daytime pajamas for a while: While incredibly comfortable, these items do not project “I am in the mood.” We have all heard the saying, “fake it until you become it.” Well, this is a great time to put that old adage to the test. Put on an outfit that makes you beautiful or sexy. Ask your partner to do the same. Feeling good about your appearance and showing your partner that you still care about your sex life will likely result in some positive feedback that may have been lost during lockdown.
- Ensure privacy: With kids or other family members constantly in the home right now, finding some privacy for sexual intimacy may be a struggle. It is a universal truth that kids love to barge into their parents’ rooms unannounced. That’s why locks were invented. If fear of coitus interruptus is holding you back from being intimate with your partner, install a lock on your door or remember to use the one that is already there. It may also help to set your alarm for an hour before the kids usually wake up or wait until they fast asleep at night to be intimate.
- Limit alcohol intake: A little bit of alcohol can be beneficial to a woman’s sex drive, as it may reduce some stress or inhibitions. However, a more significant amount can have the opposite effect on libido by acting as a CNS depressant.
- Remember, the goal is intimacy: Not all intimate encounters need to involve sex, especially after a long day of work, homeschooling, or both. Spend time getting reacquainted at the end of a long day with massages by candlelight, holding hands or embracing on the couch while listening to your favorite music, kissing like you did when you first met, or by taking a bath or shower together. Do you have TV and your cell phones in the bedroom at night? Take them out or turn them off. Couples are reporting foregoing sex and falling asleep to Netflix these days. Instead of screen time, choose to show yourself and your partner the 4As: Affection, Attention, Appreciation, Acceptance. In stressful times, it’s easy to take ourselves and our partners for granted.
Women and mothers deserve to have their sex lives be a priority. Understandably, they may not feel sexual desire or arousal with their energy and time being swallowed by the “double double shift.” Show yourself self-compassion that wherever your libido is at right now, it’s at that level for good reasons. Don’t judge yourself. Everyone’s interest, need, and desire for sexual activity is individualized. However, if you’re not sure what to treat yourself to this Mother’s Day, don’t underestimate the gift of “beforeplay,” and remember to lock the door!
References
Basson R. (2001) Human sex-response cycles. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy. 27:1: 33-43
Sandberg, S., & Thomas, R. (2020). The coronavirus pandemic is creating a ‘double double shift’ for women. Employers must help. doi: https://fortune.com/2020/05/07/coronavirus-women-sheryl-sandberg-lean-i…
