11 Ways to Support Someone Who's Grieving

You've been there—the awkward moment when someone you care for is in despair. Maybe their eyes are red and wet, or their shoulders are slumped and shaking. Maybe their chest heaves through shallow breaths. Maybe a preternatural silence has settled in, leaving them empty and mute.

And there you are, between stimulus and response. You wonder what to say. You worry about having nothing to say or saying the wrong thing. You might even convince yourself that your loved one needs “time alone to cope,” when really, it’s your own discomfort that you’re trying to avoid.

Research (Moore et al., 2022) shows that love and connectedness are essential for healing in the wake of loss, so, show you care by being there. While no approach is perfect, here are some essential ground rules.

What Not to Say…

1. “Don’t worry. It will all work out.” While you may hope it’s the case, you don’t know it will. Grievers don’t need wishful thinking; they need love and support.

What’s more, they cling to reliable information. If you can offer that, great. If you can’t, that’s OK; find another way to be helpful, like offering encouragement, rather than guarantees. Try saying, "You can find a way through this. I’m here for you." And follow through.

Also, be a resource: offer to help the person put together an action plan or help with daily tasks. Be available if more emotionally difficult chores need to be done such as cleaning out a departed loved one’s home or planning a memorial service. Play point person for sharing “approved” information with extended communities, so your loved one won’t have to. Your presence is so much more helpful than false promises of certainty.

2. “Everything happens for a reason” or “We’re only given what we can handle.” While you may believe this, others may not. And even if they did believe it previously, grief has a way of calling deeply held beliefs and principles into question. It's best not to project your own onto theirs. This is especially true for people facing betrayal or injustice.

Be present or a steward, by helping your loved one accept the situation with “benevolent honesty”—a gentleness with themselves as they absorb painful realities. Also, try helping them find something meaningful about the situation that they can hold onto. Don’t try to play God.

3. “Someone always has it worse.” Maintaining perspective is an essential part of overcoming grief, but it doesn’t always come easily. Grievers typically don’t want to hear about others’ pain—at least just then. Reminders of others’ suffering, especially more than they are, only grate on a person’s patience.

Instead, allow loved ones to be sad, mad, outraged, or cry—to express their emotions freely. Research (NIH, 2017) shows that you gotta feel to heal. This said, if you see that a loved one is down more than up, then gently suggest they talk to a professional.

4. “I know what you’re going through.” Do you really? Have you been through the same set of circumstances, with all the same dynamics that this person has? Or are you unwittingly projecting your own experiences onto theirs?

It’s important to be present with your loved one’s experience and emotional challenges first. Allowing a person to be heard is one of the best supports you can offer. Only then is it helpful to share snippets of your own experience, to show empathy and solidarity.

5. “Don’t be negative. Think happy thoughts.” While wallowing isn’t particularly effective for healing, don’t forget that grief isn’t a positive experience. Trying to shield a person’s suffering behind forced feelings of happiness isn’t going to make the pain go away. It’s just going to lodge it somewhere else. “Just be positive” and other happy-based platitudes are often just ways to fill an awkward silence.

Instead of touting “just be positive,” try just being honest, like, “I wish I knew what to say to you. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Please, let me know how I can help.” If you do want to focus on something positive, remind the person of their strengths, and encourage them to leverage those when the pain becomes especially heavy.

6. “If I were you, I’d…” or “What you should do is…” It’s natural to want to help someone who’s suffering, but grief is no time for a know-it-all. Loss is a highly individualized experience and affects each of us differently. How one responds depends on many factors, including personality, coping and attachment styles, biology, life experiences, faith/belief systems, and context.

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Just because you might prefer one approach, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily right for someone else. Let them ask for your opinion before you impose it. If you feel strongly that you have something worthy to contribute, consider saying, “Can I make a suggestion?” Or “Maybe you would find this helpful…”

7. “I told you so.” Big no-no. Sometimes life throws us into challenging situations that we didn’t ask for. Other times we contribute to our own suffering, even if it’s unintentional. While it is hard to stand on the sidelines and watch a loved one act in ways you wouldn’t, saying “I told you so,” after a distressing outcome, is unhelpful; it’s also condescending. You get no points for being right, but you do for being present.

Rather than reminding the person of your good judgment, try helping them avoid making decisions that might cause further suffering. Also, brainstorm positive actions that could move them forward in a healthy way.

What To Do…

8. Be patient and take your cue from your loved one. The healing process can’t be forced, hurried, or demanded, as much as you (or they) may desire it. If your loved one feels like talking, let them. If they need quiet, give them this too, including sitting in silence when you’re together. If they’re up for a laugh, great.

Research (Cacioppo, 2003) shows that both positive and negative emotions are part of the grieving mix, sometimes even coming at the same time.) If they need a cry, that’s OK too. What’s important is to let the person lead, welcome, and attend to all emotions, and remember there is no “normal” timetable for healing.

9. Check in regularly, even if you don’t hear back right away. Most grievers have limited bandwidth because grief takes a toll on our body, mind, and spirit. If you reach out and your loved one doesn’t respond, it doesn’t mean they are rejecting you. More likely it’s that they haven’t had the energy to reply.

Don’t give up; it’s good for them to know that others who at the ready. Check in regularly, depending on how close you are to them. But don’t demand a call back. Just let the person know you’re thinking of them and that you’ll continue checking in if that’s okay.

10. Give a person leeway. Try not to take things personally. Grief can push us to the limits of “us,” which is why grievers often say and do things that they might not otherwise. While it may hurt to hear a harsh remark or dismissal from a loved one, consider whether it’s just because of their current situation. And if the person did mean it, remember, all relationships have dynamics.

If the issue is important, it can always be addressed in the future—after things have calmed down. This said, setting boundaries is also an important part of the healing process—for grievers and supporters.

11. Give yourself leeway, too. Being present to a griever isn’t easy. You may not always get it right. You may unintentionally stick your foot in your mouth; it happens. You will also have to manage your own emotions, including unpleasant ones, especially if it feels like the relationship is out of balance, with you giving more than you are getting.

Learning to stay within your “window of tolerance” (DeMarco, 2024) can be helpful. Grounding and breathing exercises (DeMarco, 2020) can work to this end. It’s also helpful to accept that the relationship may be skewed for a while. Leveraging other friends and community can go a long way to ensure that you’re supported when you are supporting another.

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