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I said something to my daughter off the top of my head, and she took it the wrong way. When she told me what she thought I meant, I was so upset and I apologized right away. She said that she knows I am a "manipulative liar" and she can't trust me any more. Then she disappeared. I have sent her letters acknowledging anything and everything I ever did wrong. I tell her that I love her and miss her. I apologize over and over, but I get nothing back but silence. Now you say I might have an "addiction" as well as being abusive. I have already done my 12 steps many years ago and I have not slipped in 20 years. It takes two to make this horrible situation. I am doing everything I can on my end. Does there have to be a "good guy" and a "bad guy". And since my daughter is so sweet, does that make me the "bad guy"? This hurts so much. I miss her every moment and I have nightmares about her. I try to reach out and talk to her, and she runs away. I wake up crying. How would you feel if your child disappeared and NEVER talked to you again, and gave you no opportunity for reconciliation?
Susanne Babbel MFT, PhD
Just as Laura Davis describes in her book I Thought We'd Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation, I have seen positive outcomes when working with adult children of abusers who have been able to regain closeness with their previously abusive relatives. In these cases, they have been able to resolve their history with their abuser and heal. In the most successful cases, a new perception, a new level of expectation, and setting ground rules have all helped to re-establish healthy relationships.
However, most of the time when my clients have attempted to talk about their abuse with the abuser, the abuser has denied their actions and the reconciliation failed. Rarely has the abuser recognized or admitted what they did and apologized. Although an apology is not always the golden key to reunification, without one it is nearly impossible for two people to come back together.
As a person who has voluntarily estranged yourself from another, you might still feel a loss - sometimes as if the person has actually died. An abuser often has different faces that not everyone will see. Therefore, when one decides to estrange from their abuser, others might not understand or be supportive, which often causes further estrangement from relatives and community.
For the person who has been estranged from another, this dynamic can be just as challenging.
If you have been involuntarily estranged from another, your best coping mechanism is to try to understand that the person doing the distancing is making this decision in order to "let go of what they cannot change" or cope with. This might cause you, as the estranged person, to feel angry, hurt, or at the very least, confused - but it's important for you to remember that you cannot change another person's feelings or triggers.
If you are a person who has experienced estrangement at the hands of another, consider whether you need to take a look at your own potential for abuse or addiction. But if you truly believe you are healthy, then your only recourse is to allow the other person to proceed in the way they feel is appropriate - even if you do not agree or understand. Can you love without being loved back or without having contact? You can try to make amends, but if that does not work you must simply live your own life, even if it seems hard, painful, and empty.
Whether the estranger or the estranged, forgiveness is the first step to freeing ourselves from the emotional prison of the past.
It can feel counterintuitive -especially to victims of abuse - and sometimes unsafe, to consider forgiving someone who has caused us great harm. We feel that holding on to our resentment and hatred keeps us protected from future abuse. We are afraid that if we let it go, and soften into forgiveness, that we'll open ourselves up to becoming victims once again.
The first step to forgiveness happens inside your own heart, and does not require any re-connection with the person who hurt you. That reconnection may (but doesn't have to) come later. Laura Davis draws a line between forgiveness and reconciliation and explains that it is possible to forgive a person without forgiving their previous actions. Fred Luskin, author of Forgive For Good, who launched the Stanford Forgiveness Project, adds that forgiving has medical as well as emotional benefits. Consider seeking therapy to deal with the grief and heal, educate yourself, and seek out support groups.
And if you decide to take the step of estranging yourself from someone, or if you have been estranged from someone else, consider whether you might need to take a look at your own underlying issues within the help of a psychotherapist.
Citations:
1 http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/conceptec.html
2 http://www.harpercollins.com/books/Thought-Wed-Never-Speak-Again-Laura-Davis/?isbn=9780060957025
Support group
Carolyn, there are only a few people who can really empathize with the horrific pain- almost like grieving the death of a child- of estrangement. Those people have lived it.
I, too, have recurring nightmares about my son in which he is a small child again and he doesn't know who I am or his father won't let me see him. It's maddening and gut-wrenching. I was not an abuser, but a normal mom who made mistakes like everyone else did. I adore my son, and don't understand his cold hearted abandonment.
Please join our Facebook support group- Parents of Adult Estranged Children. It's been so helpful to me. There is life after rejection. This article is very hate-based and not helpful at all.
so sorry
So sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.
wanted to add
I just wanted to add, the very fact that you seem to be honestly asking this question of yourself and taking the actions that you have suggests that the answer to this question is "no".
"It takes two to make this horrible situation." - this is very true. I expect if some of the folks who have nothing but vitriol for the author recognised this fact and were willing to be as introspective as you seem to be there would be a handfull fewer estrangements in the world.
So sorry again for the position you're in.
This is disappointing
This has got to be the most disappointing article I have ever read. This article portrays and connects abandonment to abuse and blames the victim which is the estranged. The healthiest is always to encourage reconnection. You as a doctor should never encourage estrangement or "healthy boundaries" as you call it, very negligent. You better go back to research the difference between abuse and estrangement as they are very different topics.
Personal issues?
Is this more about you than a general article? Perhaps your way of justifying your own abandonment of parents? Because more cases of abandonment have nothing to do with abuse than do. This is just a generation of entitled, "spoiled as children" adults looking for any ex u to blame the parents.
Really? This is your advice?
You don't look old enough to have children, let alone adult children who have children. How could you possibly understand the toll estrangement has on a parent?
I have a 22 year old son who knows all there is to know about everything. He was once a kind, loving kid, but is now a cocky, arrogant know-it-all. Since I married my present husband, I have slowly been shut out of my son's and granddaughter's life, even though I was one of her primary caregivers for the first two years of her life. Before moving in with my husband, I had an apartment and my son lived with me. He would move in and out, move friends in and out, didn't help with any household bills even though he made as much money as I did, and I would come home to a fridge full of beer bought my underage drinkers. My apartment was a party house and not by my choosing! When I moved in with my husband, I asked my son if he wanted to move in with us temporarily. He chose to move in with his dad and his dad's girlfriend (now wife). His father was married to another woman before we were married. And after I married him, I learned that he was married before the ex as well. Altogether, my children's father has four living legitimate children and at least two illegitimate children and my son is the ONLY one who has anything to do with him. My ex husband has two living aunts, a half brother, a niece and a nephew who have nothing to do with him. Of all his living relatives, our son is the ONLY one who has anything to do with him. My ex husband cut ties with our daughter because she wouldn't choose sides, so he cut her off (we've been divorced for almost 20 years). From my understanding, my step daughter chose to stop talking to him because he talked crap about her mother (they've been divorced over 21 years) and she got tired of it. And the other son doesn't know his father nor does he care to. My ex gave up his parental rights to his very first child so he wouldn't have to pay child support. He is the same as a military felon due to violent behavior and had a series of heart attacks due to snorting too much cocaine, so he is presently on disability and has all the time in the world to turn our son against me. My son's half sister has told him how their father beat on her when she was little (to the point that children's services was called) and how he called her a "fat ass" and a "bitch". I have a photo of a handprint he left on my son when he was two. I left him because of the abuse towards my kids, the drugs being sold out of my driveway, and the fact that he wouldn't keep a job, which is why my stepdaughter's mother left him. But for whatever reason, my son chooses to believe everything my ex says and treats me accordingly.
My son ignores my texts for months at a time, insults me and up to a few weeks ago, I rarely saw my granddaughter. He chose to take my ex husband's wife to dinner for Mother's Day and texted me. My four year old granddaughter comes to my house and tells me that my husband isn't her "real grandpa". I KNOW things are said about me when I don't spend my time talking about the other side. Realistically, my four year old granddaughter doesn't recognize her letters or numbers by sight. Wouldn't it be more beneficial if everyone involved worked with her to get her ready for school rather than spend their time talking about me? What my ex husband has done is force me to take a long look at my life insurance policy and my beneficiaries. At one point in time, my son would have gotten half of the proceeds. At another point, he wasn't getting any proceeds. I changed it to include him several weeks ago when he began talking to me again, but since he's been insulting me (... my most recent text from him said what I had to say had no merit ... but yet if he gets a letter from the court, I'm the first one he calls because he's scared his child support will be raised (I'm a legal secretary) ... ), I'm ready to change my beneficiaries yet again to exclude him.
My son has taken on quite a few of his father's attributes. He focuses on my granddaughter's weight, only allowing her to have water ... no juices. He gives her what he thinks is sufficient to eat and if she asks for more, he tells her no. He will eat in front of her and tell her she can't have what he's having because she already ate at her mothers! He listens to my ex husband's wife, telling him that her granddaughter is able to run circles around my granddaughter because my granddaughter is too heavy ... basically, she's telling him that her granddaughter is better than mine, and he can't see through that. It's heartbreaking! No one is looking at my granddaughter's emotional well-being. These "adults" are making her feel like something is wrong with her. The last time I had her, we had an incident and I told my son she needed to be seen by a doctor because I thought she had a UTI. My son and I took her and she did, in fact, have a UTI and what I said was true ... she needed fruit juices to combat it. But again, I'm treated like I'm stupid and what I say is taken with a grain of salt. What I have to say "has no merit". And fruit juices make her fat.
I was a single mother for years. I bought both of my children their first vehicles. I bought band instruments and sent them to Florida on band trips. They both went on Middle School trips. They were fed and clothed. Drugs weren't used in my house, nor were they sold at my house. Neither one of them were beaten. Now that my son is older, I wonder sometimes if I should have beaten him. Yes, like every other parent on the face of this earth, I made mistakes. EVERY parent makes mistakes. Including these entitled adult children who know it all and choose to turn their backs on one parent because the other parent is talking crap about the estranged parent. My generation is no different than previous generations in that we give unsolicited advice because we've been there. The only difference now is that these young adults, those of the "Me Generation" discount the life experience and knowledge of those of the older generations because they KNOW IT ALL! Has there ever been a generation before this one where doctors tell young parents to put something valuable like their purse or phone in the back of their car so they'll remember their baby? Seriously? But yet mental health "experts" are now telling young adults to discredit their parents and their abusive behavior of giving unsolicited advice. I'm abusive to my son because I give him advice on how to parent ... which is what my mother and mother-in-law did to me ... which is what my grandmother did to my mother ... and so on.
The advice you give promotes the break down of the family system, whether it's a healthy or unhealthy family system. I would think that learning to set boundaries would be a healthier way to solve family issues than promoting estrangement, especially when the "abuse" could be something as minimal as the estranged giving unsolicited advice or simply saying something that annoys the estranger. For instance, when my mother wants to discuss my dad's drinking (he's been dead for over 32 years), I tell her that I don't want to talk about it. He's gone now. Can we talk about something else? I don't just stop talking to her for the next five years. But yet again, I'm not part of this "Me Generation". I understand that she has some unresolved issues with my father, but I don't have to listen to them. I also don't have to turn my back on her. Don't you think that's a healthier approach than never talking to a parent again? Also, do you really think it's "abusive" when a parent of an adult child has difficulty in letting go ... or is it just that ... the fear that your adult child will make mistakes that will harm him or her or their children, so you give unsolicited advice.
I'm sorry, but you're no Dr. James Dobson. Maybe you should read some of his books.
You're estranged because you're an insulting, toxic personality.
I can tell not only because of your mistreatment of the article's author, but because of this confession you made: "I have a 22 year old son who knows all there is to know about everything. He was once a kind, loving kid, but is now a cocky, arrogant know-it-all."
When someone hates you and thinks the worst of you, as you do about your son, they aren't a person you want to or should be in a relationship with.
Another thing ...
I might also add that it has been written that grandparents are a line of defense against child abuse and neglect. The situation with my granddaughter's UTI ... I was told after the doctor visit that her symptoms had gone on for weeks. It wasn't until I said something that she was begrudgingly taken to the doctor ... and, of course, as a result, I'm hated again for saying what I had to say and I'm probably blamed for a medical bill, even though I offered to pay half of it. I guess it's abusive to express your concerns over your grandchild's health and emotional well-being.
Again, you really should consider what you're saying to a generation of "me-oriented", selfish, immature, "my cell phone is more important than my child" young adults. Although some of them may, in fact, have been abused, a good portion of them are simply insulted because their parents have stepped in when they've seen that something isn't right. The difference is that their parents, although it may have upset them, they were more adult after the fact to admit that what their parent did was the right thing. Do you really want a whole generation of children to miss out on that special relationship one has with a grandparent because their parent is angry that they were told they were doing something wrong? Like I said previously, this has gone on for generations. Now that I'm a grandparent, I can appreciate the previous generations who know more than I do and I can honestly say that I did get some good advice from my mother and mother-in-law. I honestly didn't know everything there was to know about parenting. This generation, however, seems to think they know everything they need to know about everything and if you tell them differently, they shut you out.
seriously
There are 10's of thousands of parents out there that have absolutely no idea why their adult children have decided to no longer be in our lives. We will never know how many because we have the fear of the assumption it is always the parents fault. Maybe it's because we did too much for them, wanting them to have a better life than us. What we have is a self absorbed and entitled generation. They tell lies to justify the unthinkable.
Your time would be better spent addressing this issue. A small percentage of adult children estranging from their family were actually abused. This is an epidemic and your profession is doing nothing. All I see are articles like this that blames the parent.
What happened to loving and caring for your parents? When did it become ok to do such a horrible thing?
no idea
I don't know you or your situation Donna (obviously), so it's entirely possible that you have a crazy adult child and you are blameless.
What I do know is that my estranged in-laws also make the claim to anyone who will listen that they have "no idea" what they have done wrong, despite endless hours of discussion, exhaustive emails, all of the issues listed in writing, bulleted exhaustively, chronologically. But still, they have "no idea" what the issues are. For them, this is part of a strategy to claim the role of "victim". I don't think they're alone.
As for abuse being rare and loving parents being the real victims. It is an agonising choice to make, to cut family out of your lives and potentially grandparents out of the lives of grand-children. It's not a choice that anyone (unless they have serious mental health issues) is making lightly. To call your ascribing the entire issue to a self absorbed younger generation an oversimplification would be generous. I daresay abuse is more common than crazy people cutting others out of their lives just for kicks.
As for an absorbed and entitled generation ... I keep hearing about how narcissistic millenials are, but I don't really see it. I'm gen X, and when I look at it, baby boomers, who I expect comprise many of those who complain about estrangement, are unbelievably self-absorbed and entitled - we're talking about a generation that has racked up a debt burden that their children, grand-children, and great-grand-children will spend their lives carrying so that they could cut their taxes and live it up (and that's to say nothing of what's happened to the environment, oceans or social inequality under the boomer's custodianship). Self-absorbed generation indeed. Here's a link for you. From one boomer to another ...
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/30/opinion/keller-the-entitled-generation.html?_r=0
no idea
Kevin,
Yes is do have a crazy adult child. As do 10's of 1,000's of boomer parents going thru the same thing. She has cut her self out of the entire family and nobody has a clue as to why. I am in several support groups with similar stories as mine. I have always always put her first her entire life.
The few experts that are actually paying attention have called it the "silent epidemic". It is embarrassing to parents like myself to tell anyone, because like you they assume we did something wrong. When i do, they are are shocked. They know the truth.
I am still in contact with many of her childhood friends who cannot believe what she is doing to me and have tried to talk to her. When she is asked why, the explanation is ridiculous.
I was not a perfect parent, nor are you or anyone else. But i did the best i could with what i had with no government assistance. Even though times were very hard, she was in dance, swim lessons, drill team, i was girl scout leader, room mom. None of that comes close to what i have had to spend the last 15 years to help her (approx $400k for 2 divorces, daycare for her kids, school clothes, school supplies, car, car insurance, medical bills, down payment on house etc). In hindsight, i should have let her fail. I never had that safety net and did not want her to struggle as i did. I wanted to make sure her and my grandchildren were safe and the kids were going to a good school. I never threw it in her face or expected anything from her except respect and appreciation.
I truly believe more research and attention needs to be given to this. It is much larger than you can imagine.
"Not a perfect parent"
Saying you were not a perfect parent is the same as confessing you screwed up. Yet you have no idea what you did to cause the estrangement.
Only one of those statements can be true.
By the way, "The Me Generation" is your generation, the baby boomers. You are much, much worse than any of the others when it comes to self-entitled, narcissistic attributes.
Not a Perfect Parent
I was not a perfect parent when my children were small and readily admit.......yes I screwed up. However my past does not define who I am now, although I understand the estrangement from my daughter. Despite this I have always been a really good Grandmother so the recent lost contact with my two youngest grandchildren is beyond painful..............still I guess I deserve it because I did screw up
Yeah, right!
My mom claims she has no idea why she's estranged from me. She's committed several felonies against me - including attempted murder - but she thinks she's a saint with nothing to apologize for.
I have not one shred of pity for estranged parents who claim they have no idea. For that to be true they must be very, very sick in the head.
A note about some of the comment here
The paucity of insight here is astounding! Here is a clue, to all of the Roberts and Betsy's here who are estranged parents, unloading their venom on the author:
Read what you have written and stand outside your own shoes. Would you enjoy your own company?
This is not about the article. Granted, this article is not a masterpiece but if you actually have something to add it needs to address the actual content and who or what you assume the author to be.
Not only are your words abusive, and by that I mean, extremely abusive, to her, but your digressions are abusive to the website itself.
My advice: get some rest, and perhaps, imagine spending eternity on a road trip to nowhere, with nobody but your carbon copy, for company.
Chances are, you would try to estrange yourself!
I hope that you have gained insight into exactly why people avoid you like the plague.
I meant "comments"
Sorry, typeO.
And I have an overactive autocorrect on this device:
To clarify, what I meant was, comments and editorials should address the content of the article, and not what you perceive to the the content of the writer's character.
In fact, bringing up issues of age, race, social class, creed, gender or abilities is downright inappropriate, unless, of course, you are at your local KKK chapter meeting.
Is this article actually bad advice?
Estranged parents, this article is not for you and the comments are distracting. There are people here that were actually abused by their parents that are trying to navigate how to have a relationship with their former abuser, now that the abuse stopped or that we're physically capable enough of protecting ourselves. The angry tone of the comments makes me feel like you are still blaming your kids for everything and take no responsibility for the effects of your actions on them. And that you're in heavy denial.
response to your response
thanks for posting - prehaps you are right, prehaps you are not. the point is that this doctor, like many is very quick in her field to suggest estrangement. You may not be aware of such a trend. You may not be aware that it's a common practice. Perhaps you disagree about my other points. I hear you discuss abuse - I'm sorry about that for you. Maybe with an open mind you can understand that so often, "abuse" is in the mind of a child, the way a child views an unfair world or rules. I don't know your situation - I only know mine. I will say, I wasn't a great Dad, I wasn't. But I also wasn't a bad Dad. I was a decent Dad. I wasn't the type of Dad that gave up everything in the world, or dropped everything, or sat around coming up with the most remarkable family things to do on a week night or a weekend. I was a regular guy that lead a regular life. What I did do is I deeply loved my children and I raised them in the best way that I could through all my own faults and through my own hurts. A very wonderful marriage turned horrific after 20 years and there was a "campaign" done silently about me from my ex towards my children. I'm still amazed that it worked. Again, I wasn't the best Dad, but I was a decent Dad and I really miss being a Dad - like really miss it. And then I read another "dr" who is so quick to sell the idea of estrangement, even using a celebrity as her "credible" example. So yes, this article is for me just as much as it's for you. I hope that you heal up - I hope that it goes well for you.
response to your response
Estrangement is painful, and no one should have to feel such pain. I can only wish that you find an avenue to express your compassion and understanding; a sharing and wonderful experience that will make you sparkle. Good luck my friend.
This articles isn't about what you think it's about...
This article promotes reconciliation, not estrangement. You are having a neurotic reaction to it because of your deep denial.
I was estranged from my
I was estranged from my mother and older brother for nearly 20 years. Both suffered from borderline personality disorder and were physically and mentally abusive, and I felt like I could no longer cope with it--especially when their abuse and manipulation started affecting my young children and marriage.
Breaking away was very, very painful. I felt so alone for so many years. And, as you mentioned in your article, other family members didn't understand and weren't supportive. My brother wouldn't let his children see me, and so I wasn't there to see them grow up. Likewise, neither he nor my mother saw my children grow up.
My brother died two weeks ago. The day before he died, he was in a semi-coma, and I went to the hospital to see him one last time. I told him I loved him and that I was sorry for all he'd gone through. I told him that I wish things could have been different between us.
I believe he heard me.
This goodbye was very healing for me and resulted in great enlightenment, following my brother's death.
I realized that he and my mother couldn't help the things they'd done due to mental illness--that their brains simply didn't function normally. What's more, my mentally ill mother had struggled to raise three kids alone. She'd coped with the pain of the disorder and poverty by becoming a cat collector and hoarder. He'd coped through alcohol and drugs. Both had self-destructive lifestyles.
I felt such empathy and forgiveness for them both for the pain they must have suffered through their lives. No one needed to apologize. I understood.
And I've since reconciled with my mother. I've also seen my nieces, who say that they'd always wanted to be part of my life.
So my story has a happy ending. I am a bit stressed from this dramatic and sudden change, and sometimes I feel a little confused and don't know what to do, but I'm trying to just take this one day at a time. I also believe I'm strong enough to cope with my mother now, and I'm able to set boundaries.
Overall, I feel very blessed, and I know I made the right decision.
Attention Estranged Parents
The ultimate judge of your parenting is your child. The reason you are estranged (unless your kid is a drug addict) is because you have been weighed in the scales of an adult mind and found extremely wanting.
It takes severe or lifelong abuse with no end in sight to lose your kid to estrangement. Kids are biologically programmed to love their parents no matter what. Whatever you did to them was strong enough to defeat their biology - their very substance and design - as well as all the cultural and social mores surrounding family.
That's why it's implausible that any estranged parent would not know the reason; at the point of estrangement being told the reason is way past necessary and well into the realm of futility.
Accept the consequences
From one of those estranged kids: be mature, accept the consequences of your actions, and understand that what you did may, to your child, be unforgivable. Parents have a nasty little entitlement complex with regard to their children: they believe they are by God entitled to a relationship with their adult child, and the kid dang well better accept that and get with the program!
My father is one of those people. He was a (extremely) violent alcoholic who terrorized all of us. Now he’s sober, and bombarding me with very-much-unwanted calls, letters, emails and gifts , (which I return unopened) trying to get back in my life. He sends other relatives and even his AA biddies to intercede for him. He told me he will never stop until I let him show me how sorry he is and how much he loves me. I cut him off completely years ago, and told him why. I don’t hate him. I just want nothing to do with him.
He refuses to accept my decision. His responses have run the range from tearful begging to angry outbursts that remind me of his true nature. He says he’s changed, is a new person who stands ready and eager to make it all up to me. He doesn’t understand. He can’t. I never want to see this man again. I don’t want him around my children and spouse (who is my childhood friend and saw everything, and agrees with me.
His AA pals call, trying to get me to come to Al-Anon and insisting that I “have” to forgive him and how much harm and hurt I am inflicting on myself by not reconciling. Uh, no. The best day of my life was the day I ejected him from it. I was living in a state of constant fear and emotional suffocation. He wails that he’s not that person anymore. Well, then that’s great. I hope he makes a nice life for himself. I still don’t want him in mine! He cries and starts begging to give him a chance to make it up to me. He refuses to accept that he can’t, and how do I know since I’m not granting him the opportunity.
He is doing it all to me again with his intrusion and manipulation. He gave up his parental rights long ago, but still think I owe HIM somehow.
Part of getting your life on track and being an adult is accepting your mistakes. Sometimes mistakes are not fixable. If your adult child cut you from their life and you know you bear some responsibility for that - then honor their request and leave them alone. You are inflicting still more harm with your disrespect for their wishes and overbearing intrusion.
