College Students, Dating Choices, and Parental Perceptions

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It’s common for parents to not always approve of, care for, or like, an adult child’s dating choices. This can put a great deal of strain on the relationship between a parent and child.

As a college professor for nearly 30 years, I hear about this quandary quite often. College, in particular, is such a tender moment for self-discovery and it’s usually best to not interfere or to tread lightly. Also, feelings and choices can shift so much during this time that it’s best to not get too carried away into future worries when a child is experimenting with versions of themselves and versions of intimacy.

Here’s some advice for parents, and it might be helpful for adult children to read and pass along to their parents if they find themselves in a similar situation.

1. Most people yearn for approval and acceptance and, especially so, from their own parents.
2. Remember that dating and intimate relationships provide your young adult with opportunities to conquer fears of rejection and to develop good decision-making and emotional intelligence, adaptability, and resilience.
3. Consider your own biases and prejudice and how this might be impacting your thoughts about your child’s partner. This may be related to race, gender nonconformity, religion, social class, and disability.
4. Try to find out what your child sees in this other person. Try to be open to what they tell you. Perhaps you can all spend some time together to better understand their connection. Allowing them, and inviting them to have a guest for dinner or to hang out some afternoon, is a nice gesture. This person may even grow on you!
5. If and when your kids are indeed encountering trouble in their relationship and want to talk with you, it makes it far more difficult to approach you when they already know your disdain for the other person and the relationship. Understandably, they don’t want to be met with “I told you so,” but they might need your help for any number of reasons. Perhaps, they want therapy and are still covered by your insurance. They may begin to feel unsettled and distressed in the relationship and want to know they have a safe place to retreat. The less judgmental you are, the more open they will likely be.
6. Avoid any temptation to make threats. I have had a few students this past year tell me that their parents were threatening to refuse to help pay for the remainder of college because they didn’t like their dating partner. Doing this is alienating and can carry risky outcomes.
7. If you suspect abuse toward your child, you should say something to your child privately and express your concerns for their health and wellbeing. Forms of abuse include: physical, sexual, psychological, emotional, verbal, and financial, as well as coercion, threats and neglect. Consult a professional skilled in the dynamics and patterns of abuse and control to best support your child and yourself.
8. Try to keep in mind that it’s through relationships that we grow and get opportunities to know ourselves so much better. It’s a chance for adult children to clarify their own needs, values, and priorities in intimate relationships.