2 Ways 'Scorekeeping' Is Ruining Modern Relationships

Source: Tabitha Turner / Unsplash

For some partners, a loving relationship has to be quid pro quo: They give and take in equal proportion. A mentality like this isn’t necessarily problematic in and of itself, especially considering how historically unbalanced and nonegalitarian heterosexual relationships have been. But, in attempting to make relationships feel more equal for both partners, have some partners inadvertently started scorekeeping with one another?

According to new research from Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, it’s possible that some have. In the massive longitudinal study, researchers followed more than 7,000 couples over the course of 13 years. They checked in with these couples through as many as seven separate surveys.

At each interval, the researchers were interested in measuring how satisfied the partners were in their relationships. More importantly, they also assessed how strongly each partner leaned toward what’s called “exchange orientation”—that is, the inclination to keep score of what each partner gives and receives, and operate within the relationship accordingly.

It’s important to note that, in this framework, there are two contrasting ways that people can approach their relationships:

• Communal relationships: Here, partners give freely and offer support, without keeping track of what they give and take. They do so without ulterior motives because they care about one another—not because they want repayment of some kind. If one person makes dinner, they won’t tally up how many nights the other person cooked last week. Instead, they’re either doing it simply because they want to contribute or because they know the other person isn’t able to, and they ask for nothing in return.
• Exchange relationships: These partnerships function more similarly to those of business arrangements. Partners are highly attentive to who did what, and they also expect repayment, fairness, or recognition in return. Both small and large acts of care or service are kept track of, and partners keep either a physical or mental running “balance sheet” of favors owed and received.

Note, however, that these orientations aren’t necessarily fixed indefinitely. In a majority of relationships, they’re more like tendencies in which partners will move in and out of. These either chop and change naturally over time or shift depending on circumstance.

Specifically, the 2025 study was interested in what exactly happens to relationships when people lean more heavily toward the exchange side of the spectrum. Here’s what they found.

1. Scorekeeping Puts Relationships at Risk

Consistently, the study’s findings showed that when one partner’s exchange orientation increased, relationship satisfaction decreased in turn. Most notably, this wasn’t a short-term dip. Even up to two years later, some couples were still less satisfied if one partner had been caught up in scorekeeping earlier on.

In other words, scorekeeping can have surprisingly long-term effects on the dynamics within a relationship. This provides support for the idea that most people have already been intuitively guessing: that keeping mental tabs wears away at partners and, as a result, the relationship as a whole.

It also didn’t matter whether couples were matched in this orientation. Partners weren’t more satisfied if they were equally high or low in scorekeeping. If even one of them kept score, the dynamic was seemingly spoiled by lower satisfaction across the board.

Interestingly, however, this effect was not found to be bidirectional. Feeling dissatisfied in the relationship didn’t make people more likely to start scorekeeping. Instead, the arrow only went one way: Scorekeeping was related to dissatisfaction, but not the other way around.

Importantly, this means that we cannot reduce scorekeeping to just being a symptom of an already struggling relationship. Rather, the data suggests that it’s an independent factor that actively contributes to problems.

When you think of how scorekeeping actually functions in real life, these findings make perfect sense. If one partner is constantly pointing out who loaded the dishwasher last, who shopped for groceries, or who earned more money this month, the tone of the relationship immediately becomes more stressful.

In turn, what should be an unconditionally loving dynamic starts to instead morph into a running competition. With enough repetition, even the smallest jab about “who does more” can become a trigger. You’re bound to feel exhausted and unappreciated, in the same way work or business rivals would.

2. Most Couples Abandon Scorekeeping as They Mature

Relationships Essential Reads

Trauma's Shadow Lingers in the Bedroom

The Cost of Unspoken Stories

Fortunately, the results of the study weren’t all doom and gloom. It eventually became clear that, as partners and relationships matured, most couples became less exchange-oriented. The longer partners spent together, the less likely they were to keep expecting repayment or acknowledgment for their everyday sacrifices.

In other words, most couples seemed to learn (most likely the hard way) that love feels least complicated and most rewarding when you stop keeping tabs.

That said, not all partners were able to kick the habit of scorekeeping at the same pace. Unfortunately, these partners also paid a price: The longer they clung to scorekeeping, insisting on fairness in every little thing, the more unhappy they became.

This is another finding that makes perfect sense. At some point or another, most of us realize that tracking “who owes what” just isn’t worth the stress; it can be absolutely exhausting to live in a constant state of comparison. What’s worse, however, is that it completely undermines the spirit of generosity that relationships should thrive on.

But, unfortunately, partners who only learn this lesson late in the game will likely have already accumulated some damage. Resentment will build if this dynamic is kept up without change or intervention, which will only make it harder to eventually try and rekindle the warmth and spontaneity that scorekeeping slowly squeezed out.

Together, these findings serve as both a warning and a reassurance. On one hand, scorekeeping is a slow-burning threat. It will chip away at your relationship if you allow it to, even if you think everything else in the relationship seems fine.

But, on the other hand, most couples come to learn that contributions won’t always look perfectly equal if both partners are truly invested—nor do they have to. Letting this ledger go opens up more space for kindness and spontaneity in your relationship, with no strings attached.

A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.