2 Signs of Someone Faking Their Way Through a Relationship

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Flirting is evolutionary. We often flirt to indicate interest in people we’re attracted to. However, in the initial phases of dating, there’s usually some uncertainty, where neither person is sure if things will move forward. During this time, people often behave in ambiguous ways by sending mixed signals, holding back or keeping things playful instead of making bold, direct moves.

Being too blunt too soon can feel awkward, unsafe, or even disrespectful. So, we use indirect, playful communication to test the waters and protect ourselves emotionally and socially. This stage plays a huge role in how we connect with others.

But sometimes, we get so caught up trying to “do it right” that we end up following a script and forget to enjoy ourselves. People might say, “Don’t be the first person to respond back after a date” or, “Act nonchalant if you want them to like you.” Ironically, this leads us to stop being true to ourselves, as though there’s no other way to act around the person you like.

Here are two ways to tell if your feelings are genuine or if you're stuck performing a role.

1. You’re Acting Based on What You Should Do, Not How You Actually Feel

There are some social norms and expectations that guide how people behave in romantic or flirtatious situations. They act like mental roadmaps or “scripts” for how one should initiate, progress, and maintain romantic relationships. These scripts are shaped by culture, media, gender roles, class, religion, and even age, and they often influence how people think dating should happen, whether or not they consciously realize it.

Acting out a script isn’t inherently negative. In fact, it often helps ensure we behave respectfully and appropriately, especially in intimate situations. Not only do they guide our behavior in intimate settings, but they also help shape how we see ourselves.

In a classic 1989 study, sociologist Elijah Anderson studied how lower-income inner-city American youth devised certain “game plans” to try and appeal to the woman by acting like her ideal partner, when in reality, he may only be feigning to establish a sexual relationship with her.

Abiding by these behavioral tactics may be seen as important to those who are still developing their identities and are trying to appeal to their peer groups.

On the other hand, a girl’s peer group may support her pursuing the relationship if they perceive her partner’s intentions as good.

“While many girls pursue the dream, the boy, for the immediate future, is generally not interested in ‘playing house,’ as his peer-group derisively refers to domestic life,” Anderson says.

Even today, people may adjust their behavior to meet a potential partner’s expectations, without being honest about their own. This mismatch can lead to inauthentic relationships and mental health challenges.

Brian Soller, who conducted a 2014 study on the connection between mental health and adolescent relationships, found that inauthenticity in relationships is associated with poor mental health outcomes, especially for young girls.

This inauthenticity is reflected in red flags in dating spheres, which are hard to notice initially, where everyone plays a role that they deem fit for themselves.

This may show up in the form of self-imposed rules like “I should text back now so I don’t seem too eager,” or “I should play hard to get,” even when you’d rather be direct. This could even be in the form of feigning interest in a hobby or activity your partner prefers, just so they like you back.

For instance, you might decide to go shopping with them, even though it doesn’t interest you and you would much rather watch a new movie instead. This inevitably leads to disappointment when your partner finds out you were not being expressive enough. They might be confused or upset and start thinking that you’re losing interest in them or that you don’t feel comfortable enough to be honest with them.

Even if it feels like a small thing, not being honest about your preferences can still create distance.

While it is important to show interest in your partner’s life, it should not come at the cost of repressing your actual self and interests. That’s why you need to stop “performing” just to impress someone. When your actions are guided more by the rules of flirting than your true feelings, chances are you’re acting out a seduction script rather than building a genuine connection.

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2. You Rely on the Same Script for Every Partner

We tend to act differently around different people. How we behave with our parents may be different than how we act around our friends. Each connection brings out a different dynamic, which means the “script” you follow in one relationship won’t be the same in another.

Consequently, your “relational self”—the version of you that shows up in a relationship—can shift from partner to partner. However, we often fall into the trap of using the same romantic script with everyone we date, not accounting for the uniqueness of each dynamic.

In this way, you end up playing the same character over and over, no matter who you’re with.

There is a misconception that being your real, everyday self in a relationship is what makes you feel authentic. But a 2017 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found something surprising: you actually feel more authentic when your relational self is closer to your ideal self or the version of you that you strive to be.

You cannot be your best self by following a script, but by striving to work on yourself and make yourself better every day. That includes being authentic, taking up space, and not letting someone enclose you in a standardized box. That includes your friends, family, and your partner.

If your crush takes hours to reply or cancels a date, someone might advise you to “act chill and ignore them.” But if that’s not how you truly want to handle things, there’s no need to follow that advice.

If expressing your feelings, like calling them to let them know you felt hurt, helps you communicate honestly, then it’s OK to do that. Just remember, being honest doesn’t mean compromising your self-respect.

A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.

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